Tag: Tim Tebow

Moves Like Curtis: Divisional Weekend 2013!

Jan. 11 All, Articles, Features, Moves Like Curtis, NFL, Sports 1 comment

Seahawks Redskins Football.JPEG-03f4d

We’re now into what many people consider the most exciting week of the football season, and I can see why.  You’ve still get four games over two days like last week, and the teams that are participating in them are true contenders.  There are still the stray lucky teams that squirt through (I’m looking at you, Football Jebus Led Broncos of 2012), but mostly we’re dealing with squads that have their playoff game faces on and know what they’re doing.

Plus these days I usually get the joy of watching The Sucking Black Hole collapse like a house of tissue paper cards.  But we’ll get to that later…

Just a reminder–I’m still looking for superfans to step up and join the MlC Synod of 32 and represent their team in a special project I’m working on with TricycleOffense.com High Pooba Kelen Conley.  I still need a lot of teams represented, so please contact me through the site, or through my Facebook (I use my own name, so it’s not hard to find).

The Games!

Ravens Vs. Broncos (Saturday 4:30 p.m.)

You remember how back in the regular season I said that teams can’t survive on emotion?  Well, that goes out the window with the playoffs, because most of the times emotion is all a team has.

And I think that might be why I’m going to go with the Ravens.  This team knows the emotional center of its franchise right from the start, Ray Lewis, is on his final ride.  Add into the fact that the Ravens are always a much different team in the playoffs and its hard to pick against them…

Even against the New-Look Fetus Head-led Broncos.  Granted, the sheer presence of Fetus Head energizes the offense something fierce…but I don’t think the defense is going to stop the Marlboro Man as effectively as Baltimore’s might stop Denver.  Plus we’ve got that weird, uncanny ability of the Ravens to humiliate those teams in the playoffs that humiliated them in the regular season.  It’s going to be a tight game–expect the differential to be less than a possession–but the Purple and Black will fly outta Mile High ready to contend for the AFC Championship.

Packers Vs. 49ers (Saturday 8:00 p.m.)

And speaking of tough fought games…this one is going to be hard to call.  After puttering through the season like a busted-up old Hyundai, the Pack has been getting hot going into the playoffs, whereas the 49ers seem to have gotten unsteady.

The other thing we need to take into account is the Myth Of The Bye-Week Advantage.  Look at how many Wild Card teams have made–and won–the Super Bowl in recent memories.  I have come to believe that sometimes, especially with certain teams, the Bye-Week actually serves to ice any momentum a team may have going into the playoffs, resulting in a squad that takes the field rusty and out of sorts.  I think this may happen to San Francisco, especially considering that the team is being headed by a quarterback who is relatively inexperienced in the way the playoffs changes the face of the game.

I think the combination of a Green Bay team that’s heating up combined with a San Francisco team that’s been sitting on its ass for an extra week is going to lead to a Packers victory by about a possession and a half.

Seahawks Vs. Falcons (Sunday 1 p.m.)

How ’bout them Seahawks?  This is a truly tough team led by a truly gifted rookie quarterback supported by a gifted running back…and let’s not forget the nightmare of a defensive line and a horrifying secondary.  This is the team that might shock the world something fierce…and how better to shock the world by taking out the Best Team This Season.

But my worry is that Atlanta is just Too.  Damn.  Good.  This is a team that’s been running like a well-design clock, and they’re very adaptable.  I think that this may end up being a slaughter, with the Falcons putting up two possession or more over the ‘Hawks.  But in my heart, I’ll be rooting for Seattle, Russell Wilson, the Legion of Boom and everyone.  And if they win, I will do that silly little horsey PYT dance all over Myrtle Avenue.

Texans Vs. The Sucking Black Hole Of Evil (Sunday 4:30 p.m.)

And speaking of things I want to see that I will most likely not get to see…I love the Texans; they’re the home of one of my favorite non-Jets players, J.J. ‘The Juggernaut’ Watt.  And I dream of seeing J.J. standing over the sacked and rattled corpus of New England’s crybaby quarterback and giving his signature salute to the Foxboro faithful.  I love how Arian Foster can run at will on the stoutest defense, and how Matt Schaub is a passing fool.

…but as much as I hate those navy-and-silver clowns, as much as I want them to go down now, as positive as I am that New England is on the downward side of their bell curve and will not make the Super Bowl this year–or ever again as long as the Sweatshirt is coach (last year was literally luck; if the Steelers were healthy last year, they would have advanced to the Division, trampled all over New England and become the Super Bowl Champs), they will win over Houston.  This is going to be a much rougher game for both sides than last year’s tilts, and there will be a number of lead changes.  But in the end, The Sucking Black Hole will advance to the AFC Championship by one possession–and then go smack into the unpassable wall that will be the Ravens…

…but that’ll be for next week.  Enjoy the games, everyone!

Last Week: 3-1
Season: 153-122-1 (.554)

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Moves Like Curtis: Epilepsy Can Ruin Division Titles (Week 17)

Dec. 30 All, Articles, Features, Moves Like Curtis, NFL, Sports 2 comments

Martin_Curtis_Feature-450

And with this, Rivalry Weekend, the 2012 campaign is over for almost everyone.

As with the last few seasons, this final weekend sees teams playing their division rivals.  Supposedly this was started by Roger Goodell to encourage viewers to, you know, care about what sometimes amounts to a slew of junk games.  And this season we’ve got…what amounts to a bunch of junk game, as the majority of the playoff slots are filled and teams are entering this Sunday with one eye on their tee time this Monday.  Those who still have a hope of sliding into the playoffs are facing a very, very narrow window to sneak through indeed.

Before we begin, I want to once again remind everyone I’m looking for knowledgeable superfans to talk to me about what their teams need to improve for 2013.  Contact me through TricycleOffense.com.

That out of the way, let’s get to it…

Sunday Games, 1:00 p.m.

Buccaneers (6-9, lost v. Rams) vs. Falcons (13-2, won v. Lions, 1st Seed NFC South)

This is pretty much a junk game if it wasn’t for Tampa Bay being one of those teams that played, thanks to Greg Schiano, tougher than their record indicated.  There’s no way for the Bucs to play spoiler, as Atlanta has the 1st Seed locked in, but there’s always pride.  Given that Schiano is a bit of a, ummmm, hard coach not above doing some low things (remember that kneel down surge in their game versus the Giants?), I can almost see the Bucs trying some pretty desperate schemes so they can exit the season on a high note.

Doesn’t mean they’ll win, though.  Expect Atlanta to win by a possession and a half.

Paper Planes (6-9, lost v. Chargers) vs. Our Bitch (5-10, lost v. Dolphins)

And speaking of ending the season on a high note…grumblemutter…

Given their terrible season, there’s going to be some shake-ups on both ends.  It looks like Buffalo’s coach is gone, and The Repeater will be driven out of New Jersey on a rail.  There’s nothing to play for here–not even pride, as that left these teams a long time ago.

When all is said and done, there’s a reason why I call Buffalo ‘Our Bitch.’  Expect the Paper Planes to soar into a one possession or less victory.

Ravens (10-5, won v. Giants, 4th Seed AFC North) vs. Bengals (9-6, won v. Steelers, Projected 6th Seed Wild Card)

The only thing that can be decided here is Cincinnati’s Wild Card position.  And given how Football Spock and his crew have been surging, and the way the Bengals seem to be able to smack around the AFC North fellows at will, expect Da Tigers to win by a possession.

Browns (5-10, lost v. Broncos) vs. Steelers (7-8, lost v. Bengals)

I still hold a lot of affection for what has developed in Cleveland.  Even though it seemed like a joke that the Browns were going to go with over-aged rookie Brandon Weeden and unproven running back Trent Richardson, both have proven more than up to the task, and have helped the team surprise everyone by playing tough and garnering a bigger record than anyone expected.

…and I was going to call the game for them, because they’ve got the Steelers at a time when they’ve very beatable.  The always injury-prone Ben Roethlisberger seems to have had trouble bouncing back from his latest trip to the doctor and their defense is so banged up they’re actually porous.  A Cleveland Browns team as configured could easily beat Pittsburgh if they were healthy.  So I guess it’s lucky for Mike Tomlin that both Weeden and Richardson are out for this game.  Expect the Steelers to squeak by in a painful to watch game by a field goal or less.

Bears (9-6, won v. Cardinals, Potential NFC Wild Card) vs. Lions (4-11, lost v. Falcons)

And here are the dregs of the NFC North.  And don’t get me wrong–even though the Bears were on top of creation for a brief period this season, they squandered this lead away with shaky offensive play.  And the Lions have just regressed thoroughly this season, seeming to play more like the national joke they were and not the playoff team they showed they could be last year.  I think that Chicago will barely win over the Lions by about a possession and a half.

Gerbils (2-13, lost v. Sucking Black Hole Of Evil) vs. Titans (5-10, lost v. Packers)

Oh, Lord…talk about junk games.  This is a pointless little match-up which will decide nothing except which AFC South team will suck the least.  And the toughest thing about choosing a winner here is that since Chad Henne has been starting for the Gerbils, their QB play is about even.  I suspect that by the sheer dint that the Titans have all their mediocre offensive weapons while the Gerbils don’t, Tennessee will take this ugly game by a possession or less.

Eagles (4-11, lost v. Native Americans) vs. Giants (8-7, lost v. Ravens, Potential NFC Wild Card)

Much like the Bears/Lions tilt, this is a game between the dregs of the NFC East.  The Eagles are just a total mess, and it saddens me that this awful team will be the final moments of Andy Reid’s formidable CV.  And the Giants managed to piss away their division championship by playing as if they’re suffering from epilepsy.  The only reason–the only reason–the Giants are going to win this game by a possession or less is simply because they’re more organized than the Eagles.

Panthers (6-9, won v. Raiders) vs. Saints (7-8, won v. Cowboys)

This is a lot tougher to call then you’d think.  Carolina has been surging in this last handful of games, and that’s built a confidence that made them on par with this year’s bloody, limping but unbowed Saints team.  I think that the Panthers’ confidence combined with their Ric Flair desire to ‘beat the man to be the man’ might actually put them over New Orleans by less than a possession.

Texans (12-3, lot v. Vikings, 1st Seed AFC South) vs. Colts (10-5, won v. Chiefs, Projected 6th Seed Wild Card)

Who knew at the beginning of this season that Andrew Luck would lead his team into the playoffs–well, besides the Polians?  The Colts have had some natural luck come their way, but the bulk of the responsibility for this success is just really great ball play.  It almost seems cruel that their last regular season appearance is against the nigh unstoppable Texans….especially given that The Texans have something to play for.  If they don’t win, after all, Houston potentially loses their first-round bye and their home-field advantage throughout the playoffs.  I suspect that the superior Houston defense (which features one of my favorite non-Paper Planes players, J.J. ‘The J is For Juggernaut’ Watt) will step up and prevent Luck from doing his thing, allowing Matt Schaub and Co. to run up a two possession or more victory.

Sunday Games, 4:30 p.m.

Packers (11-4, won v. Titans, 2nd Seed NFC North) vs. Vikings (9-6, won v. Texans, Projected 6th Seed)

This is one of the better potential games this week, because both teams have something to play for.  The Packers get a first round bye if they win, and the Vikings–another team like the Colts that a lot was not expected–gets a Wild Card if they win.  So I expect a very hard fought three hours, with a couple of lead changes.  In the end, I expect Adrian Peterson will carry this team on his back to slip past the Pack by a possession or less.

Rams (7-7-1, won v. Bucs) vs. Seahawks (10-5, won v. 49ers, Projected 5th Seed)

I could give you a whole lot of reasoning, but the two facts that matter are this:

1) Seattle needs this game to remain a playoff team and
2) Seattle never loses with Russell Wilson under center on their home field.

So the Seahawks will win, assuring us the sight of those ugly-ass jerseys for at least another week.  It’s as simple as that.  I anticipate a possession and a half differential.

Dolphins (7-8, won v. Our Bitch) vs. The Sucking Black Hole Of Evil (11-4, won v. Gerbils, 3rd Seed AFC East)

I think we can all safely say that every other team in the AFC East hates The Sucking Black Hole with a passion.  And when all the other teams have had substandard, losing seasons, nothing pleases those teams more than the chance to deny The Sucking Black Hole something they want….which is why you should expect the Dolphins to pull out all stops in doing what they can to beat the crap out of New England and, through a loss, deny them a chance for a first round bye.  And as we’ve seen in past seasons, Miami knows how to give their most hated foes fits. So expect a Dolphins win by a possession, New England to have to play in a Wild Card game, the Crybaby Quarterback to make that stupid pouty-puss face on the sidelines, the Sinister Sweatshirt to disappear, and me jumping up and down for joy.

Chiefs (2-13, lost v. Colts) vs. Broncos (12-3, won v. Browns, 2nd Seed AFC West)

A lot of the scenarios for other teams in the AFC playoffs requires a Denver loss.

They’re playing the Chiefs.

That isn’t going to happen.  Expect Fetus Head Peyton Manning to still be scoring touchdowns late Monday morning on Kansas City.  From his home.

Raiders (4-11, lost v. Panthers) vs. Chargers (6-9, won v. Paper Planes)

Do I really have to speak on this game?  I don’t care how San Diego might be crowing over their win last week–they suck.  So do the Raiders.  There’s no reason to watch this game, even if you are a fan of either the Raiders or the Chargers.  I am going to give it to Oakland because they’re putting Spaghetti Arm on the bench, and because I want Kelen to have something to cheer about this dismal week.

Cardinals (5-10, lost v. Bears) vs. 49ers (10-4-1. lost v. Vikings, 3rd Seed NFC West)

Dear NFL Schedulers,

Thank you for giving us Arizona for our last game this season, as you’ve assured us we’ll be in the playoffs for the second straight year.

Your fans, the 49ers.

Sunday Game 8:30 p.m.

Cowboys (8-7, lost v. Saints, Potential NFC Wild Card) vs. Native Americans (9-6, won v. Eagles, 4th Seed NFC East)

And here’s the other game with serious implications.  Namely, if you win, you’re in.  Not only are you in, you win the NFC East.  I think that when all is said and done, Washington has been playing tougher than the shaky ‘Boys, which means that they will enter the postseason to flame out on Wild Card Weekend by roughly a possession and a half.

See you for Wild Card Weekend!

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Howitzer & Buzz-Saw Show – Bah, Humbug!

Dec. 23 All, College Basketball, MLB, NBA, NCAA, NFL, NHL, Podcasts, Sports, The Howitzer & Buzz-Saw Show no comments

scrooge

BAH, HUMBUG! Mike “the Buzz-Saw” Asti and George “the Howitzer” Gerbo ring in the Christmas season and the new year in style. In their last show of 2012, your favorite sports geniuses go all over the sports gauntlet.

College basketball enters the program for the first time in awhile. Jim Boeheim’s 900th win is put into perspective, along with an update on the season to date. Has Duke already assured themselves a number one seed in the upcoming NCAA Tournament? What’s wrong with some other struggling giants?

From the college hardwood to the pros, the HBS brings you the next chapter in “As The Lakers Asininity Turns.” Does Pau Gasol have to be traded unless things turn around soon? Or will the impending return of Steve Nash be enough to mend their wounds?

While the Lakers are always dramatic, their soap opera doesn’t even hold a candle to the NFL’s New York Jets. Rex Ryan officially becomes the Buzz-Saw’s best friend for life with his decision to start Greg McElroy this week. Was this the right decision? Does Mark Sanchez have a future with the Jets? Will this finally send the message to Tebow Maniacs that it just ain’t happening for their hero? We can dream, right?

In addition to these topics, expect some more MLB off-season talk, most notably a reigning Cy Young winner being traded, Mike to continue to destroy George’s unfounded optimism about the NHL Lockout, as well as, the Week 16 edition of the second annual HBS NFL Pick’em Challenge.

Get those cookies and milk ready for Santa, put out the manger, light the menorah, or do whatever you people do. No matter what holiday you celebrate, just realize the Howitzer and Buzz-Saw conquer sports radio, one day, at a time…

The Howitzer & Buzz-Saw Show – Bah, Humbug!

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Moves Like Curtis: Fireman Ed Has Had Enough Of The Paper Planes’ [Fans'] S*** (Week 13)

Dec. 02 All, Articles, Features, Moves Like Curtis, NFL, Sports 1 comment

So my continued sense of shame carries through to this week with the quitting of Fireman Ed.

Fireman Ed was the guy who, every Jets game, would get on his brother’s shoulder and lead the fans in the ‘J-E-T-S-Jets-Jets-Jets’ chant.  He did this for years, and was pretty much Gang Green’s unofficial mascot.  He was such a familiar figure in the stands that he’s one of the Super Fans enshrined at Canton.

(Yeah, that’s right.  The Football Hall of Fame has a wing devoted to Super Fans, and Fireman Ed is in it. Deal with it.)

Anyway, this past weekend, in the wake of the horrific loss to The Sucking Black Hole of Evil, Fireman Ed announced he was walking away from his position effective immediately.  It wasn’t this awful and frustrating season that spurred him to walk away; it was the behavior of the fans.  Apparently, according to Ed, this season–the first season he swapped out his old jersey for a Mark Sanchez one–he was frequently confronted by fans under the belief that he was an employee of the Jets seeking to argue with him and pick fights.  These knuckleheads, not having access to, let’s say, Rex Ryan or Sanchez, frequently blamed him for the struggles of the team–and let’s not get started with the Football Jebus Supporters, who apparently chose not to emulate their hero’s behavior (as much as I can’t stand Tebow as a player, I will admit that he’s a humble and pleasant man) and harassed Ed because Sanchez remained the starter.

And to add insult to injury, his announcement was met with derision amongst fans in the internet.

Look, people–Fireman Ed’s quitting was important because Football is a game of traditions, and The Super-Fan is a major tradition.  Fireman Ed is as important to the mystique of the Jets as Bird Man is to the Eagles, Arrow Man is to the Chiefs, The Black Hole is to the Raiders, The Dawg Pound is to the Browns…well, you get the idea.  The reason he made his quitting public is because his presence at every game was important, and his leading the cheer is part of the iconography of the Jets.  This week, the first week he won’t be around (he’ll still be at the game, just not in his signature seat) to do so will be sad for me.

Oh, I’m sure there will be someone else who’ll rush in to stand for The Jets–that ‘Captain Jet’ character I see in the stands is a prime example–but we lost a part of our tradition, and it’s because of the fans.

Shame on you, New York Jets fans.  Shame on you.

Before we begin, you’ll notice the grid has changed a bit.  Since we’re now in the Playoff Hunt of the season, I’ll be adding the potential Seeds for teams that may qualify.  This information is taken from NFL.com. Keep in mind, not everyone that could be a Wild Card is mentioned, as there are some teams (and I’m looking at you, Paper Planes) who mathematically could make the playoffs but really are nowhere in that hunt.

And since we’re no longer doing Bye Weeks, I’ve Added a ‘Firing Train Itinerary’ so you can see which coaches are getting ready to ride off into the sunset.

On to the games…

Firing Train Itinerary

Andy Reid, Norv Turner, Ken Wisenhunt, Chan Gailey, Ron Rivera

Sunday Games, 1:00 p.m.

Seahawks (6-5, lost v. Dolphins, 6th Seed NFC West ) vs. Bears (8-3, won v. Vikings, 3rd Seed NFC North)

This is going to be a tough little game.  Pete Carroll’s Seahawks has surprised a lot of people, especially considering how their choice of Russell Wilson as their starting quarterback has resulted in their invincibility at home.  No one expected them to be good, let alone contending for a Wild Card spot.

Of course, the upshot of this is that this team needs this game badly to retain their position or, even better, nudge the 49ers out of first place (this isn’t so far-fetched a concept, given San Fran’s tie game).  They’re going to need to play super-hard in a hostile environment, trying to punch holes in an extremely tough, extremely experienced defense.  And I think ultimately it will be the whole Soldier Field factor that will lead to a Seahawks loss by a possession or less.

Texans (10-1, won v. Lions, 1st Seed AFC South) vs. Titans (4-7, lost v. Gerbils, Potential AFC Wild Card)

This is an easy game to pick–after all, we are talking about the Texans, which features one of the most elite running backs, one of the most elite wide receivers, a kick-ass quarterback and the human rejection machine that is J.J. Watt.  And the Titans…don’t.  Expect Houston to go all David on this Goliath, winning by two to three possessions.

The Sucking Black Hole Of Evil (8-3, won v. Paper Planes, 3rd Seed AFC East) vs. Dolphins (5-6, won v. Seahawks, Potential AFC Wild Card)

This, however, is not such an easy game.  The Dolphins are a much better team than we expected, and the Sucking Black Hole of Evil is not as good as their record indicates.  Sure, the Sinister Sweatshirt, his Crybaby Quarterback and pretty much are guaranteed the AFC East Title…but they have been beatable by teams they should have lost against; it’s one of the reasons they’re back to running up scores again.  I think Miami may be able to exploit the weaknesses in the defense of The Sucking Black Hole, and might be able to pull out a win by a possession or less.

Gerbils (2-9, won v. Titans) vs. Our Bitch (4-7, lost v. Colts)

And talk about Not An Easy Game To Call…the Gerbils are simply a much different team under Chad Henne.  Unlike Gabbert, who always looks like he’s lost at sea, Henne has game smarts that were blunted when he was in Miami by the ministrations of The Repeater Tony Sporano.  He’s potentially a good game manager, and it doesn’t hurt that he’s got both of the Gerbils’ wide receiver threats, and the team just picked up Jason Babin from the floundering Eagles.  Even with being sacked seven times, Henne led the team to a victory against the Titans, who are better than they are.

So imagine how they’ll drub Our Bitch, who is just as bad–if not worse–than the Titans.  Henne can certainly out-think Ryan Fitzpatrick, and the anemic offense will get themselves slammed by a team that’s suddenly found their balls.  I figure the Gerbils to spank Our Bitch by about a possession and a half in an ugly, ugly game.  And if they continue to behave like, you know, an actual football club, I may give them their original nickname back.

49ers (8-2-1, won v. Saints, 2nd Seed NFC West) vs. Rams (4-6-1, won v. Cardinals)

And so the great tie-ers meet again.  No matter how you look at St. Louis’ team, you have to give the Rams credit–they gave San Francisco the one game that will give them fits when the playoff seeding comes.  And this time the 49ers are coming to the Ram’s home ground, which means there’s going to be a lot of noise they’ll have to deal with.  It’s going to end up being a tough game, with lots of lead changes…but I suspect that San Fran, still hurting from that tie that was handed to them, is going to eventually pull out the win by a possession or less.

Colts (7-4, won v. Our Bitch, Potential AFC Wild Card) vs. Lions (4-7, lost v. Texans)

I really had a lot of hope for Detroit, but it looks like they will be on the outside looking in.  No matter how hard they try, it doesn’t look they’re going to repeat their entry into the playoffs.  And now they’re going up against the team no one expected to be this good, as Indianapolis is re-energized thanks to Andrew Luck’s skill and leadership.  And because it’s Indy, another dome team, their potential home field advantage is nullified.  I expect that Indianapolis will end up winning by a possession and a half.

Vikings (6-5, lost v. Bears, Potential NFC Wild Card) vs. Packers (7-4, lost v. Giants, Potential NFC Wild Card)

This game could very well dictate which NFC North team becomes a Wild Card.  Minnesota has been surprisingly good, even if Christian Ponder has been regressing in the last few weeks.  And the Packers have been sputtering a bit, losing their games where they shouldn’t have.  Green Bay is going to stumble a bit, especially given how banged up they are.  This will be another close game.  Expect a couple of lead changes–albeit very brief ones.  But in the grand scheme of things, I think Adrian Peterson will be able to punch through the Pack’s D-line, resulting in a win by a possession or less.

Panthers (3-8, won v. Eagles) vs. Chiefs (1-10, lost v. Broncos)

Oh, boy…imagine you’re Cam Newton.  Imagine you just beat the stuffings out of the Eagles.  What do you think could be the perfect palette cleanser that would build up your confidence and keep you from making weird Hello, Kitty references?

If you said going to visit Kansas City so you could beat down the Chiefs, give yourself a point.

This is not a contest.  Expect the Panthers to roar once more, and maybe pull Ron Rivera off the platform where the Firing Train is going to arrive.  I expect Carolina to win by a possession and a half.

Cardinals (4-7, lost v. Rams) vs. Paper Planes (4-7, lost v. The Sucking Black Hole Of Evil)

The Cardinals are terrible.  So are the Paper Planes.  The Cardinals have Larry Fitzgerald, but no one who can accurately pass to him.  The Paper Planes don’t have a single offensive weapon worth a damn.  The Cardinals have a swiss cheese offense.  The Paper Planes also have a swiss cheese offense, but it’s a baby swiss, so there’s smaller holes.

I am going to let my fanaticism fly and say the Paper Planes will pull another one of those massive wins out of their ass, convincing people they’re back on track until they lose miserably to the Chargers in about three weeks. Expect Coach Ryan to do cartwheels as they take it by two possessions or more.

Sunday Games, 4:30 p.m

Buccaneers (6-5, lost v. Falcons, Potential AFC Wild Card) vs. Broncos (8-3, won v. Chiefs, 4th Seed AFC West)

This is a closer match-up than it may seem on paper–remember, the Bucs are in a division with both the Falcons and the Saints, while the Broncos are the only team worth a damn in their division.  And the Bucs have a really strong defense, which might be what plays in their favor.  If they can bend-not-break, keeping Fetus Head Manning out of the end zone enough times, Tampa Bay will win…and I think it’s a greater than average possibility.  Give it to the Bucs by a possession.

Steelers (6-5, lost v. Browns, Potential AFC Wild Card) vs. Ravens (9-2, won v. Chargers, 2nd Seed AFC North)

And so the honored rivalry begins again…and I don’t see anything changing this time around.  The Ravens are just too good a match for a Big Ben-less, injured Pittsburgh.  The Purple and Black will knock the Wild Card hopes right out of the Steelers mouth by two possessions.

Bengals (6-5, won v. Raiders, Potential AFC Wild Card) vs. Chargers (4-7, lost v. Ravens, Potential AFC Wild Card)

Believe it or not, Norv ‘Good Enough For Government Work’ Turner might find himself saved from a ride on the Firing Train if he can get San Diego to the playoffs.  Granted, it doesn’t look likely, but knocking off another potential Wild Card in Cincinnati could do the trick–but for that to happen, Norv has to prevent the Bengals from getting into Philip Rivers’ head.  The Chargers’ biggest weakness is their quarterback–get him rattled, and the offense falls apart.  And I think the Tigers can hurry up and hit Rivers enough times early on to make San Diego fall apart, resulting in a win by about a possession and a half.

Browns (3-8, won v. Steelers) vs. Raiders (3-8, lost v. Bengals)

As much as I want to pull for Oakland here, the Browns are simply the better 3-8 team.  They simply play harder, which is why they beat the Steelers.  They will find a way to overcome the Raiders’ attack and triumph by less than a possession.

Sunday Game 8:30 p.m.

Eagles (3-8, lost v. Panthers) vs. Cowboys (5-6, lost v. Native Americans, Potential NFC Wild Card)

Here, Dallas…have a free win!

What’s going on in Philadelphia has the weird, horrific fascination of a ten car pile-up.  The reign of Reid is all but over, and no amount of firing coaches and trading away problematic defensemen is going to stop that.  There’s a strong chance the Eagles will not win another game between now and the end of the season, and that just makes Dallas all the happier while they dogfight for the right to be an NFC Wild Card.  Dallas may be in the best position to get that Wild Card if there is one in the NFC East, and smacking around Philly goes a long way towards that goal.  Expect the ‘Boys to win by two possession or more.

Monday Game 8:30 p.m.

Giants (7-4, won v. Packers, 4th Seed NFC East) vs. Native Americans (5-6, won v. Cowboys, Potential NFC Wild Card)

As you know, the Giants seem to have this talent for getting really, really hot in December.  And even though the Native Americans are pretty strong right now, they still are going to fold before Big Blue.  It’ll be a close game, but the Giants will pull ahead by a possession.

Thursday Night Game (Week 14) 8:20 p.m.

Broncos v. Raiders

Hey, look–it’s too teams that just don’t like each other much, the West Coast Equivalent of the Paper Planes and the Sucking Black Hole!  I can’t think that the Raiders, who are totally lost in this Post-Al era, could possibly win this.  For that matter, I can’t think that the Raiders will win much with Spaghetti Arm Palmer behind center.  Fetus Head and company should blow the Black and Silver out by two and a half possessions easily.

See you next week.

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Howitzer & Buzz-Saw Show – Cracking Jaws & Taking Names! (Guest: Jess Stiver)

Nov. 16 All, College Football, MLB, NBA, NCAA, Podcasts, Sports, The Howitzer & Buzz-Saw Show 1 comment

Thanks to the farmers, it is now pitch black outside midway through the day. The hour gained on the clock is lost in annoyance. At least it means we are moving through the sports calendar. With the college football season nearing an end, Mike “the Buzz-Saw” Asti and George “the Howitzer” Gerbo are joined by Jess Stiver, owner of the “Land Thieves” blog. Stiver will discuss which teams have the inside track on the BCS and who will end up vying for the National Championship. His precious Oklahoma Sooners won’t be left out, as the resident HBS sports genius’ hope to persuade his squad to take it easy on their spiraling Mountaineers.

Following the interview, the real program gets underway! When we last heard from the Howitzer and Buzz-Saw they were busy dissecting the asininity that was the Lakers freakout session. After firing Mike Brown only 5 games into the season, can the darling franchise find it’s mojo again? Was rejecting a third Phil Jackson stint for Mike D’Antoni the right decision? Expect tons of eye rolling and loud noises, as the Buzz-Saw tends to be easily agitated.

Turn on the stove and watch the crock-pot simmer. The Major League Baseball offseason is already heating up! Clinching the title of most asinine organization in sports today, the Miami Marlins completely dismantled the Hispanic vibe they assembled, shipping their stars to the Blue Jays. Where do the Marlins go from here? Despite owning two World Series crowns, how bad are things down in Little Havana? On the flip side of the blockbuster trade, does the new additions make Toronto a contender in the always brutal AL East? While some are planning for 2013, others are receiving 2012 hardware. Did the voters get it right with the ROY, Cy Young’s, and MVP selections? Listen to Mike, he knows best.

Let’s toast to the Howitzer and Buzz-Saw, the unanimous MVP’s! Hear them conquer sports radio, one day, at a time….

The Howitzer & Buzz-Saw Show – Cracking Jaws & Taking Names! (Guest: Jess Stiver)

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Moves Like Curtis: The Steelers Can’t Find Their Balls (Week 7)

Oct. 19 All, Articles, Features, Moves Like Curtis, NFL, Sports 1 comment

Okay, here’s what’s going down…I don’t want everyone panicking.

Due to life having other plans, your favorite (it is your favorite, yes?) clueless football analysis column will be appearing on Friday instead of Wednesday evening.  To make sure everything is consistent, I’m previewing both this week’s Thursday game and next week’s Thursday game.  Every week after that, I’ll be covering all the games that we have for Saturday through Monday, plus the Thursday game for the following week.

Got it?

Don’t worry…it’ll be painless before long.

Oh, since I got you here…I’m curious about what the team-specific magazine shows are like in other markets.  Here in New York, I get both Jets Huddle and Jets Flight Plan, which are fascinating in the way they avoid talking about their losses this season.  They’re both good (especially Huddle, where Aaron Maybin actually interviews his fellow players), but they don’t hold a candle to the show they replaced, Jets 24/7.  I loved that show, which eschewed the usual sit down interview format in favor of then-coach Herm Edwards (and later Eric ‘The Manhole’ Mangini) discussing the previous week’s game as a sort of monologue, which gave me a better sense of what it’s like to be head coach.  If you have a show like this in your market, football fans, would you mind recording a couple of sample episodes and sending them to me?  Contact me through the website, and we’ll talk.

So let us begin…

Bye, Bye, Bye

Falcons, Broncos, Chiefs, Dolphins, Eagles, Chargers

Thursday Night Game 8:20 p.m.

Seahawks (4-2, won v. The Sucking Black Hole of Loserness) vs. 49ers (4-2, lost v.Giants)

You know…while no one was looking, the NFC West became one of the nastiest, most hotly contested battlegrounds in the League.  Even the Rams–the freakin’ Rams–are getting into these massive dogfights and are at .500.  This isn’t the division which was won by a 7-9 record anymore, no suh!

And the Seahawks may be the biggest surprise of all, actually rising to lay the smackdown on some legitimately tough opponents–plus they served up a big ol’ plate of crow to the Crybaby Quarterback after he strutted around arrogantly and got all high-falutin’.  As much as I don’t think Pete Carroll is the answer to Seattle’s prayers, the players seem to love playing for him, and it’s reflected in some good game play.  Add into it all the fact that San Francisco might be reeling from getting the same sort of drubbing they gave that Other New York Team, and there might be another win in the Seahawks future.  I call it for Seattle by a possession.

Sunday Games, 1 p.m.

Cardinals (4-2, lost v. Our Bitch) vs. Vikings (4-2, lost v. Native Americans)

I am still trying to figure out how the Cardinals, who have one of the greatest wide receivers in the game and a stingy defense, lost to Our Bitch.  It does make me think Arizona is the NFC West team whose dominance is ephemeral, that they’re the team in this pack of bruisers who are cruising through the season on their virtual rims.  And their match-up this week is a team who also seems to be overperforming, although there’s something to be said about the maturing of Christian Ponder.  I suspect that those rims will continue to provide a very bumpy ride for Arizona, and that Minnesota will win this one by about two possessions.

Cowboys (2-3, lost v. Ravens) vs. Panthers (1-4, Bye Week)

This is not a match-up that Dallas really wants right now.  The ‘Boys are in their traditional middle-season rut mode, where they look like they can’t figure out the right end of the football and everyone is calling for Tony Romo’s head.  This is not the time for them to be running into a flawed but high-octane offense like the Panthers.  Is Carolina a good team?  No.  Is it capable of racking up enough points to overwhelm the ‘Boys and make them look even worse than they are?  Damn straight.  Expect the Panthers to score enough points in the first half to make it a struggle for Dallas to crawl within a possession of winning…and failing to do so.

Saints (1-4, Bye Week) vs. Buccaneers (2-3, won v. Chiefs)

Okay, it looks like the sulking is over in New Orleans–not soon enough to get them a Division Championship, but maaaaybe stopping their spin out of control to give them a slim chance for a Wildcard.  And the Bucs, as hard playing as they are under Greg ‘To The Last Second’ Schiano, should give them a great fight before folding under pressure in the fourth quarter.  Expect the Saints to take it by one and a half to two possessions.

Packers (3-3, won v. Texans) vs. Rams (3-3, lost v. Dolphins)

Even though Green Bay woke up enough last week to beat down the previously un-beat-downable Texans Sunday night, this may very well be this decade’s version of the John Fox/Jake Delhomme Panthers.  Remember how Carolina got to the 2003 Super Bowl, gave as good as they got, almost triumphed over The Sucking Black Hole of Loserness…only to be forgotten when that game was overshadowed by Janet Jackson’s nipple?  And remember how that team just crumbled into a billion pieces, never getting a winning season again?  That near-perfect season seems to have broken the Pack once last year’s playoffs began, and I wonder if Aaron Rogers will get that second Super Bowl ring anytime soon.

And on the other hand, we have the Rams, who seem to be revitalized under the ministrations of Jeff Fisher.  While the Packers are underplaying to their expectations, the Rams–who, let’s be honest, don’t have a lot in the way of talent–are overplaying to their expectations.  And when faced with a team that’s huffing and puffing and trying to regain an identity it lost and one that’s benefiting from an inspirational coach and a hot hand, I’ll side with the hot hand.  Especially when the hot hand has one of the most uncannily accurate kickers of all-time capable of field goals up to 60 yards away.  Expect the Rams to (mildly) shock the world with a win by a field goal or less.

Native Americans (3-3,  won v. Vikings) vs. Giants (4-2, won v. 49ers)

Robert Griffin the Third is very, very good.  Washington’s receivers are very, very good.  This is the best the Native Americans have been for years, and I am happy for D.C.ers…

…which is why I’ll feel very, very sad for Washington when they run into Tom Coughlin’s Paper Tiger Shredder.  The Giants are just too damn good on both sides of the ball, and there’s no way that the Native Americans can triumph over Big Blue.  Yes, they swept them last year, but RG3′s inexperience will shine through, allowing the defense to take advantage and the offense to shove the ball down the burgundy and gold throats of this team.  Expect the Giants to get by easily by about three possessions.

Ravens (5-1, won v. Cowboys) vs. Texans (5-1, lost v. Packers)

This may very well be a game where no one scores.  Even with Ray Lewis out, Baltimore is more than a match for the living Juggernaut that is J. J. Watt and the rest of the Texans’ crew.  And we’ve got two QBs who are tough as they come–the Marlboro Man on one side, and Matt Schaub, a man who managed to successful enact a play while having his own ear ripped off his skull!  I literally cannot tell who’ll win, but I will tell you I will be watching this game with popcorn and noisemakers handy.

Since I have to choose one–and damn, I like both teams equally–I will go with the Texans, if only because I think the Lewis injury might affect the Ravens psychologically.  And we’re talking a possession or less.

Titans (2-4, won v. Steelers) vs. Our Bitch (3-3, won v. Cardinals)

And on the other side of the coin…this is going to be an ugly, ugly game with a heroic amount of penalties as Jake Locker (Editor’s Note: At this time, Locker is still not projected to play and Matt FREAKING Hasselbeck will get the start.) and Ryan Fitzpatrick duke it out for the right to be considered the worst quarterback this season.  This is just not going to go well.  When all is said and done, I think the combination of Fitzpatrick’s experience and the one-two punch of Fred Jackson and C.J. Spiller will allow Our Bitch to fool themselves into thinking they’re players in the AFC East by a possession and a half.

Browns (1-5, won v. Bengals) vs. Colts (2-3, lost v. Jets)

I have been pretty down on the Browns, but I have to give them credit–they always seem to be right in the games they’ve been losing, and it didn’t surprise me that they ultimately won over a team that’s superior to them on paper.  I’m beginning to pull for these guys; as long as they ignore all the misegosh in the front office, this crew might actually eke out a respectable number of wins for a team that stinks on ice.

And I think they’re going to win this tilt against the Colts, who are a touch better than they are.  The Colts’ defense is just too porous, and I think Cleveland will take advantage of this weakness.  It’ll be tough, it’ll be ugly, but expect the Browns to be golden in this match-up by two possessions or less.

Sunday Games, 4:30 p.m.

Jets (3-3, won v. Colts) vs. The Sucking Black Hole Of Loserness (3-3, lost v. Seahawks)

Hey, Crybaby Quartback…you mad, bro?  You upset that you shot off your mouth to an inferior team and they made you cry like a pretty lady left alone at the prom?  You mad? Huh?  Huh?

Sorry…let me compose myself…

Yes, I gave the Jets their name back.  Yes, they played against a team that’s inferior on paper, but they played much like they did in Week One.  This is how this team needs to play–lots of switch-ups, a variety of gadgets to confuse the defense, judicious use of Football Jebus to achieve specific effects, and–most importantly–getting Shonn Greene to do his job.  If–IF–Gang Green plays the way they played last week, they will win this game.  The Sucking Black Hole of Loserness is beatable this season, especially if you unsettle the Crybaby Quarterback by hurrying him or, even better, sacking him (I’m looking at you, Aaron Maybin–Get. This. Done.).  The only real threat the Sucking Black Hole has (if the Jets defense is as stiff as it was last week) are The Twin Tight End Towers of Hernandez and Gronkowski, the only two Sucking Black Hole players I will deign to call by name.  I’m going to assume that the Jets will continue to play this way and win by a possession or less.

The next time they match up on Thanksgiving Day, however, it’s going to be a horror show for reasons I’ll explain in November…so be warned.

Jaguars (1-4, Bye Week) vs. Raiders (1-4, lost v. Falcons)

Oh, God…do I have to write about this game?  It’s going to be a trainwreck.  Expect some really dull football.

I’m choosing the Raiders because I still stick by my contention that the Jaguars are the worst team out there, and because Kelen Conley is my friend.  And he suffers enough supporting the Black and Silver. (Editor’s note: AMEN.)

Sunday Game 8:30 p.m.

Steelers (2-3, lost v. Titans) vs. Bengals (2-3, lost v. Browns)

You know what fascinates me about Pittsburgh?  They seem to have this talent for losing to really, really bad teams.  And that makes me think that this is what’s going to prevent them from going to the playoffs this year.  This is a very unsteady team overall, and I think we’re entering another stretch of Steelers football where the black and gold loss their mojo for a while, wandering the wilderness looking for their balls amongst all the astroturf of Heinz Field.

(And before any Pittsburgh fans protest…remember the Tommy Maddox years?  I sure do.)

Luckily, I think that Cincinnati might prove to be a nice little sorbet designed to cleanse the collective Steeler pallete before they collapse in the face of another awful team.  The Bengals have been underperforming overall, and an underperforming Bengals are just manna from Heaven for Roethlisberger and Co.  Expect the Steelers to win by two or three scores.

Monday Game 8:30 p.m.

Lions (2-3, won v. Eagles) vs. Bears (4-1, Bye Week)

The Lions have been struggling this season after their best season in decades.  And my biggest fear is how, after spending this time building themselves up, Detroit is sliding back into the Culture of Losing that Jeff Garcia talked about way back when.  Luckily, they’ve got that win over the Eagles, a team that is better than the Lions on paper, to rebuild their confidence…

…except that they’re up against Kid Nastyman and the Bears, who are proving to be part of the upper echelon of the league this season.  I think the combination of Kid’s arm connecting with Brandon Marshall and that miserly defensive line will give Matt Stafford fits, resulting in the Bears running away with the lead in the second half by roughly three possessions–or maybe even more.

Thursday Night Game (Week Eight) 8:20 p.m.

Buccaneers v. Vikings

Okay, this is going to be weird, given as how I am projecting into The Fuuuuutuuuure to figure this game out.  I think, all things being even, the Bucs have a more effective QB, a better (if rude) coach, and a defense that might just inhibit Adrian Peterson.  The Bucs will take this one by a possession and a half.

See you on Friday next week, ‘kay?

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Oakland Raiders Diary #4 & #5: Why I Was Upset When The Broncos Signed Peyton & Carson Palmer: League’s Worst Tackler

Oct. 18 All, Articles, Features, NBA, NFL, Oakland Raiders Diary, Sports 2 comments

I took two weeks off after the Bronco game. Seeing the Raiders play so poorly after the upset of the Steelers was disheartening. You can imagine how elated I was this past Sunday when I got to see my second full Raiders game at a local sports bar and they were on the verge of winning, but more on that heartbreak later.

Willis McGahee sliced us up for 112 yards and a touchdown, much to my fantasy delight and my real life dismay.1 Peyton threw for 338 yards and 3 touchdowns as our secondary still had no semblance of being an actual unit.

It’s hard to believe the score was only 10-6 at halftime.

On our side of things, Darren McFadden ran for a paltry 34 yards. Carson threw for 202 yards with no interceptions or touchdowns. Janikowski was responsible for our 6 points.

I really don’t know what Darren’s issue is though. Even though our offensive line could be better (the Broncos got to Carson 3 times), he doesn’t seem to get to the holes in time. The speed is still there, as we all saw him break away from the Steelers in Week 3. Thankfully, the carries Mike Goodson have been getting are productive.

In fact, Darren Watch starts now. Chronicling how long it takes the Raiders to dump McFadden for Goodson and how long it takes McFadden to turn in a 1000 yard season for another team. These are the Raiders after all.2

This loss was an all-around team failure, however, with the offense failing to move the ball and the defense failing to stop Manning and McGahee. We could have just sent Janikowski to Denver and gotten similar results.

But to address the first title of this article, I was desperately hoping Peyton was going to end up in San Francisco or Tennessee. From what I remember, all reports where saying he was going to be a 49er. And then John FREAKING Elway came into the picture, desperate to get rid of Tim Tebow.3 Peyton bought into whatever he was selling and took his talents to Denver. To my division. I sent my dad a text about my sadness. He called me a few minutes later.

Dad: Why are you sad?
Me: Peyton Manning signed with the Broncos.
Dad: So? The Broncos aren’t in the Raiders division anymore.
Me: …the Broncos, have always been in our division.
Dad: I thought they went to the NFC a few years back.
Me: No Dad, that was the Seahawks.
Dad: Oh, that’s right. But why do you care about Peyton Manning?
Me: Because he’s Peyton Manning. That’s 2 losses a year right there.
Dad: Isn’t he hurt though? He probably won’t be the same now.
Me: If he wouldn’t be the same, he would’ve retired a Colt. We’re screwed.
Dad. Pause. Yeah, we are.

I don’t recall too many games over the years where Peyton has picked the Raiders apart, probably because we were so terrible that I try to burn the memories from my mind. But September 30th was awful and I’m glad I didn’t get to see any snaps.

Current outlook: 5-11

Which brings us to this past Sunday in Atlanta. I went to Coach’s here in Morgantown to watch with Anthony and Johnathan. I didn’t even know the Raiders played at 1, if that’s any indication at how disappointed I still was. I had planned on not writing the Diary during the Bye Week but as Week 6 creeped up, I still wasn’t ready to address the mess of a Broncos game. With the Raiders heading to Atlanta to face the unbeaten Falcons, I didn’t have high hopes.

Of course, the Raiders decided to bring their A-game to the Georgia Dome.

I watched with delight as Anthony squired every time Matt Ryan threw an interception. With Drew Brees on a bye, he had been forced to start Ryan, so it felt good watching my team actually play defense as his fantasy hopes were shattered. The later in the game it got, the better I felt, as I was sensing a repeat of our upset of the Steelers coming.

McFadden managed 70 yards this week but Goodson still had a better average from his 4 carries. Denarius had a huge day as he caught 5 for 104 yards and a TD that gave us the lead going into halftime. Despite our secondary being shaky, the three interceptions of Ryan had boosted the rest of the defense’s confidence, and we had pulled out some stops in the second half. Carson was driving us towards a score late in the fourth quarter and surely that would be enough to seal the win and ruin the Falcons perfect record.

Then Asante Samuel happened.

Samuel stepped in front of a Palmer pass intended for Moore and took it back 79 yards for the pick six. A game that was in hand became a scramble to the finish. Carson’s half-ass attempt at a tackle lightened my mood some, but I felt like we had let one slip away.

The Raiders definitely showed true grit in securing the game-tying touchdown as Palmer led us down the field with ease.You could tell just by looking at him on the sidelines that the interception had been a mental lapse and he was taking it hard. But even as McFadden broke the plane with 40 seconds left, I was concerned. After seeing Ryan lead the Falcons all the way back against the Panthers a few weeks ago, I knew he could do it again.

And who showed up to put a knife in our hearts? Tony FORMER KANSAS CITY CHIEF Gonzalez. After his 2 straight receptions, Atlanta set up on the Oakland 37 to kick the winning field goal.

From 55 yards, Matt Bryant missed. Overtime.

But we had called timeout. I looked at Anthony, Johnathan, and Chris (who had joined us at some point; he was nursing a hangover) and frowned.

“He won’t miss the second one.”

Now, I’m infamous for jinxing my teams. I remember I had was out shopping with my dad one time and we stopped at Pargo’s for dinner. As we waited for our food, he asked me who would win the Bulls/Knicks (MJ’s second-to-last Bulls season) game later that night.

Me: Eh, probably the Knicks.
Dad: Look at you! No faith in your team.
Me: No! I mean, the Bulls will win.
Dad: Too late now, you’ve jinxed them.

Sure enough, the Bulls went into Madison Square Garden and lost 93-97. And sure enough, Bryant’s second attempt didn’t miss.

It always hurts to see your team lose but I wasn’t too mad at the result. The Raiders had at least left it all on the field this week.

With our record at 1-4, things aren’t going to get any easier. After 2 games we should win (vs. Jacksonville and at Kansas City), we have the Buccaneers, Ravens, Saints, and Bengals next. With our ability this season to play better against good teams, we might be able to make all these games competitive. I’m hoping to come out of this stretch with a 5-7 record. On the other hand though…

We could potentially drop all of these games, even Jacksonville. With Maurice Jones-Drew and our history of letting backs go crazy, it’s not improbable. As much as it hurts, we could be 1-10 after these games.

Sigh.

Hello Geno Smith?

Nah, we would mess that up too.

Current outlook: 6-10

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,