In this episode, Zach Joiner and Kelen “B Hyphen” Conley join Tom for a lively discussion about the hirings and firings of the early 2013 offseason…when they’re not distracted by other riveting topics! Such as: Blaine Gabbert’s McDonald’s skills, Manti T’eo, Why Jerry Jones became the Cowboys owner, the San Diego Super Chargers theme song, Rex Grossman’s Super Bowl appearance, and much, much more!
It’s a new year, yet the HBS is still here! Mike “the Buzz-Saw” Asti and George “the Howitzer” Gerbo say goodbye to 2012 and welcome in An Asinine New Year – 2013. While 2012 set a pretty high bar for asininity in the sports world, 2013 is already getting to work.
Arguably the worst college football bowl season in recent memory continues. What is to blame for these lack luster games and matchups? Will the remaining BCS contests and National Championship Game save this miserable post-season?
With the NFL regualr season now over, it’s time to look ahead to the playoffs. Before that can be done, some important businees needs taken care of. Mike’s 2012 HBS NFL Pick’em championship banner raising ceremony will take place. Once the champagne is popped and the fireworks are finished, Mike and George will give their Wild Card Round picks and even attempt to place the proper blame on the teams that just missed the cut, what their futures will hold, and where the fired head coaches may end up.
After all the football talk, there are some signs for optimism in the NHL labor negociations. The owners and NHL Players Association are actually talking! Not to sound like a bimbo pre-teen female, but OMG! OMG! What does this mean? Will the season be saved? Or is the Buzz-Saw’s hell, fire, and brimstone reality going to come crashing down on the Howitzer’s thoughts of butterflies, rainbows, and a return of hockey?
FYI: Mike still plans to be an unbearable, arrogant, witty, sarcastic prick in 2013. Sorry, if you weren’t a fan before, you will remain displeased. Hey, at least George will be around put him in check (if that’s possible). They conquered 2012 and now embark on a journey of conquering 2013′s sports radio, one day at a time….
The Howitzer & Buzz-Saw Show – An Asinine New Year!
And with this, Rivalry Weekend, the 2012 campaign is over for almost everyone.
As with the last few seasons, this final weekend sees teams playing their division rivals. Supposedly this was started by Roger Goodell to encourage viewers to, you know, care about what sometimes amounts to a slew of junk games. And this season we’ve got…what amounts to a bunch of junk game, as the majority of the playoff slots are filled and teams are entering this Sunday with one eye on their tee time this Monday. Those who still have a hope of sliding into the playoffs are facing a very, very narrow window to sneak through indeed.
Before we begin, I want to once again remind everyone I’m looking for knowledgeable superfans to talk to me about what their teams need to improve for 2013. Contact me through TricycleOffense.com.
That out of the way, let’s get to it…
Sunday Games, 1:00 p.m.
Buccaneers (6-9, lost v. Rams) vs. Falcons (13-2, won v. Lions, 1st Seed NFC South)
This is pretty much a junk game if it wasn’t for Tampa Bay being one of those teams that played, thanks to Greg Schiano, tougher than their record indicated. There’s no way for the Bucs to play spoiler, as Atlanta has the 1st Seed locked in, but there’s always pride. Given that Schiano is a bit of a, ummmm, hard coach not above doing some low things (remember that kneel down surge in their game versus the Giants?), I can almost see the Bucs trying some pretty desperate schemes so they can exit the season on a high note.
Doesn’t mean they’ll win, though. Expect Atlanta to win by a possession and a half.
Paper Planes (6-9, lost v. Chargers) vs. Our Bitch (5-10, lost v. Dolphins)
And speaking of ending the season on a high note…grumblemutter…
Given their terrible season, there’s going to be some shake-ups on both ends. It looks like Buffalo’s coach is gone, and The Repeater will be driven out of New Jersey on a rail. There’s nothing to play for here–not even pride, as that left these teams a long time ago.
When all is said and done, there’s a reason why I call Buffalo ‘Our Bitch.’ Expect the Paper Planes to soar into a one possession or less victory.
Ravens (10-5, won v. Giants, 4th Seed AFC North) vs. Bengals (9-6, won v. Steelers, Projected 6th Seed Wild Card)
The only thing that can be decided here is Cincinnati’s Wild Card position. And given how Football Spock and his crew have been surging, and the way the Bengals seem to be able to smack around the AFC North fellows at will, expect Da Tigers to win by a possession.
Browns (5-10, lost v. Broncos) vs. Steelers (7-8, lost v. Bengals)
I still hold a lot of affection for what has developed in Cleveland. Even though it seemed like a joke that the Browns were going to go with over-aged rookie Brandon Weeden and unproven running back Trent Richardson, both have proven more than up to the task, and have helped the team surprise everyone by playing tough and garnering a bigger record than anyone expected.
…and I was going to call the game for them, because they’ve got the Steelers at a time when they’ve very beatable. The always injury-prone Ben Roethlisberger seems to have had trouble bouncing back from his latest trip to the doctor and their defense is so banged up they’re actually porous. A Cleveland Browns team as configured could easily beat Pittsburgh if they were healthy. So I guess it’s lucky for Mike Tomlin that both Weeden and Richardson are out for this game. Expect the Steelers to squeak by in a painful to watch game by a field goal or less.
Bears (9-6, won v. Cardinals, Potential NFC Wild Card) vs. Lions (4-11, lost v. Falcons)
And here are the dregs of the NFC North. And don’t get me wrong–even though the Bears were on top of creation for a brief period this season, they squandered this lead away with shaky offensive play. And the Lions have just regressed thoroughly this season, seeming to play more like the national joke they were and not the playoff team they showed they could be last year. I think that Chicago will barely win over the Lions by about a possession and a half.
Gerbils (2-13, lost v. Sucking Black Hole Of Evil) vs. Titans (5-10, lost v. Packers)
Oh, Lord…talk about junk games. This is a pointless little match-up which will decide nothing except which AFC South team will suck the least. And the toughest thing about choosing a winner here is that since Chad Henne has been starting for the Gerbils, their QB play is about even. I suspect that by the sheer dint that the Titans have all their mediocre offensive weapons while the Gerbils don’t, Tennessee will take this ugly game by a possession or less.
Eagles (4-11, lost v. Native Americans) vs. Giants (8-7, lost v. Ravens, Potential NFC Wild Card)
Much like the Bears/Lions tilt, this is a game between the dregs of the NFC East. The Eagles are just a total mess, and it saddens me that this awful team will be the final moments of Andy Reid’s formidable CV. And the Giants managed to piss away their division championship by playing as if they’re suffering from epilepsy. The only reason–the only reason–the Giants are going to win this game by a possession or less is simply because they’re more organized than the Eagles.
Panthers (6-9, won v. Raiders) vs. Saints (7-8, won v. Cowboys)
This is a lot tougher to call then you’d think. Carolina has been surging in this last handful of games, and that’s built a confidence that made them on par with this year’s bloody, limping but unbowed Saints team. I think that the Panthers’ confidence combined with their Ric Flair desire to ‘beat the man to be the man’ might actually put them over New Orleans by less than a possession.
Texans (12-3, lot v. Vikings, 1st Seed AFC South) vs. Colts (10-5, won v. Chiefs, Projected 6th Seed Wild Card)
Who knew at the beginning of this season that Andrew Luck would lead his team into the playoffs–well, besides the Polians? The Colts have had some natural luck come their way, but the bulk of the responsibility for this success is just really great ball play. It almost seems cruel that their last regular season appearance is against the nigh unstoppable Texans….especially given that The Texans have something to play for. If they don’t win, after all, Houston potentially loses their first-round bye and their home-field advantage throughout the playoffs. I suspect that the superior Houston defense (which features one of my favorite non-Paper Planes players, J.J. ‘The J is For Juggernaut’ Watt) will step up and prevent Luck from doing his thing, allowing Matt Schaub and Co. to run up a two possession or more victory.
Sunday Games, 4:30 p.m.
Packers (11-4, won v. Titans, 2nd Seed NFC North) vs. Vikings (9-6, won v. Texans, Projected 6th Seed)
This is one of the better potential games this week, because both teams have something to play for. The Packers get a first round bye if they win, and the Vikings–another team like the Colts that a lot was not expected–gets a Wild Card if they win. So I expect a very hard fought three hours, with a couple of lead changes. In the end, I expect Adrian Peterson will carry this team on his back to slip past the Pack by a possession or less.
Rams (7-7-1, won v. Bucs) vs. Seahawks (10-5, won v. 49ers, Projected 5th Seed)
I could give you a whole lot of reasoning, but the two facts that matter are this:
1) Seattle needs this game to remain a playoff team and
2) Seattle never loses with Russell Wilson under center on their home field.
So the Seahawks will win, assuring us the sight of those ugly-ass jerseys for at least another week. It’s as simple as that. I anticipate a possession and a half differential.
Dolphins (7-8, won v. Our Bitch) vs. The Sucking Black Hole Of Evil (11-4, won v. Gerbils, 3rd Seed AFC East)
I think we can all safely say that every other team in the AFC East hates The Sucking Black Hole with a passion. And when all the other teams have had substandard, losing seasons, nothing pleases those teams more than the chance to deny The Sucking Black Hole something they want….which is why you should expect the Dolphins to pull out all stops in doing what they can to beat the crap out of New England and, through a loss, deny them a chance for a first round bye. And as we’ve seen in past seasons, Miami knows how to give their most hated foes fits. So expect a Dolphins win by a possession, New England to have to play in a Wild Card game, the Crybaby Quarterback to make that stupid pouty-puss face on the sidelines, the Sinister Sweatshirt to disappear, and me jumping up and down for joy.
Chiefs (2-13, lost v. Colts) vs. Broncos (12-3, won v. Browns, 2nd Seed AFC West)
A lot of the scenarios for other teams in the AFC playoffs requires a Denver loss.
They’re playing the Chiefs.
That isn’t going to happen. Expect Fetus Head Peyton Manning to still be scoring touchdowns late Monday morning on Kansas City. From his home.
Raiders (4-11, lost v. Panthers) vs. Chargers (6-9, won v. Paper Planes)
Do I really have to speak on this game? I don’t care how San Diego might be crowing over their win last week–they suck. So do the Raiders. There’s no reason to watch this game, even if you are a fan of either the Raiders or the Chargers. I am going to give it to Oakland because they’re putting Spaghetti Arm on the bench, and because I want Kelen to have something to cheer about this dismal week.
Cardinals (5-10, lost v. Bears) vs. 49ers (10-4-1. lost v. Vikings, 3rd Seed NFC West)
Dear NFL Schedulers,
Thank you for giving us Arizona for our last game this season, as you’ve assured us we’ll be in the playoffs for the second straight year.
Your fans, the 49ers.
Sunday Game 8:30 p.m.
Cowboys (8-7, lost v. Saints, Potential NFC Wild Card) vs. Native Americans (9-6, won v. Eagles, 4th Seed NFC East)
And here’s the other game with serious implications. Namely, if you win, you’re in. Not only are you in, you win the NFC East. I think that when all is said and done, Washington has been playing tougher than the shaky ‘Boys, which means that they will enter the postseason to flame out on Wild Card Weekend by roughly a possession and a half.
See you for Wild Card Weekend!
You’ll notice there’s no Monday Night Game. That’s because some years ago some church-type people got all bent out of shape because the NFL dared put football games on Christmas Eve…so we’re getting Monday off.
So let’s get to it, then…
Saturday Game, 8:30 p.m.
Falcons (12-2, won v. Giants, 1st Seed NFC South) vs. Lions (4-10, lost v. Cardinals)
The Falcons are gaining momentum–and given that they were pretty nasty to begin with, gaining momentum is akin to a tiger waking up to find another tiger strapped to its back. There is a good chance that Atlanta is unstoppable going into the playoffs (once they’re in the playoffs is another thing altogether, but we’ll get to that once we hit Wildcard weekend). And given that the Football Gods have decided to throw Detroit’s suffering Lions to them for a week sixteen opponent, Matt Stafford and company don’t stand a chance. Expect a lop-sided, painful to watch win, with Atlanta going over the Lions by three possessions or more.
Sunday Games, 1:00 p.m.
Titans (5-9, won v. Paper Planes) vs. Packers (10-4, won v. Bears, 3rd Seed NFC North)
There was a span of, oh, about twenty minutes where I thought Tennessee might actually be about to make something of themselves. Jake Locker’s performance seems to have shaped up into a dead cat bounce, and the Titans are back to being suck monsters. Hell, if it wasn’t for the fact that The Paper Planes are striving really hard to be even bigger Suck Monsters, they would have lost on Monday night. They’re just not very good, what with a porous defense and a quarterback who simply doesn’t have anything in the neighborhood of an arm.
Which is why they will prove to be the perfect tune-up for Green Bay. The Pack has been unsteady all season, but they seem to be stable. The only thing that worries me about them is their uncanny habit of losing to teams they really shouldn’t have, and losing badly. Still, even with all the shakiness in their game, Green Bay should easily trample Tennessee by a possession and a half.
Vikings (8-6, won v. Rams, Potential NFC Wild Card) vs. Texans (12-2, won v. Colts,1st Seed AFC South)
As bad as Christian Ponder is–and he has regressed in this second half of the season almost as badly as Mark Sanchez–it’s to Minnesota’s credit that they’ve continued to move forward, grinding out enough wins to still be a legitimate playoff team this late in the game. The only thing that’s keeping the Vikes out of a Wild Card slot is the rubbery play of the receiving corps.
And given that the Texans are still One Of The Best In The Business, and J.J. Watt is probably smacking his lips in anticipation of sacking Ponder, like, a billion times, Minnesota will end up being a one dimensional team….and one dimensional teams is dessert for Houston. Expect a Texans win by one to two possessions.
Rams (6-7-1, lost v. Vikings, Potential NFC Wild Card) vs. Buccaneers (6-8, lost v. Saints)
And here we’ve got two teams going in different directions. To my surprise, St. Louis has been playing each game tough, and even though they’re still not great, they’re good enough to be a player in the postseason race. And Tampa Bay started out strong but has been slipping, almost as if they’re willfully trying to knock themselves out of playoff contention. The offense is pretty evenly matched (although I still think Josh Freeman is a better QB than Sam Bradford)…but I think the defense of the Rams, combined with Jeff Fisher’s play calling, is what is going to lead St. Louis to a narrow, one possession victory.
Native Americans (8-6, won v. Browns, 4th Seed NFC East) vs. Eagles (4-10, lost v. Bengals)
This is going to be painful. The Native Americans have found themselves in the position to win a division championship, and they need to fight hard to keep that position….
…except that they’ve got the wreck where the Eagles once stood. Philadelphia is way beyond hopeless, even with the slight signs of life they’ve shown in recent games. I doubt that the Eagles will reach double digits in this game no matter who’s under center. Expect Washington to beat Philly like the team collectively owns them money, with a win by over two possessions.
Saints (6-8, won v. Native Americans) vs. Cowboys (8-6, won v. Steelers, Potential NFC Wild Card)
And speaking of people who stumbled into playoff positioning….meet the Cowboys, who may very well have saved Jason Garrett’s job by beating Pittsburgh and crawling into a potential Wild Card berth. Of course, no one by die-hard ‘Boys fans (Hi, Zach!) know how unsteady Dallas truly is. This is not a solid team by a long shot, and that unsteadiness is what is going to foul up their dreams thanks to the surging Saints. After all, there’s nothing quite as dangerous as a team with nothing to lose, except a team with nothing to lose that has Drew Brees under center. Expect one of those games with lots of lead changes, resulting in New Orleans winning by less than a possession.
Chargers (5-9, lost v. Panthers) vs. Paper Planes (6-8, lost v. Titans)
sigh…
I know you all have been waiting for my rant on what happened on Monday, but trust me–it’s too long and too foul-mouthed for me to post it here. Let’s agree to reconvene after the Super Bowl and I’ll outline exactly why this team was screwed from early this summer.
(And let me once again state that I’m still looking for super-fans who would like to discuss their teams’ needs for 2013. Please contact me through TricycleOffense.com.)
The Chargers are wretched, and thankfully we’ve got Greg McElroy starting. I think the unfamiliarity of McElroy may result in a dead cat bounce that will give the Paper Planes a false sense of competency and a win by less than one possession.
Raiders (4-10, won v. Chiefs) vs. Panthers (5-9, won v. Chargers)
Congratulations, Raiders! You come off a confidence building win against the Chiefs only to walk into the buzzsaw of a newly confident Panthers team. Hopefully Carolina will leave enough pieces left to put you back together after their two possession win.
Our Bitch (5-9, lost v. Seahawks) vs. Dolphins (6-8, won v. Gerbils, Potential AFC Wild Card)
You know what’s going to really suck? Having the Dolphins solidify their Wild Card chances by smacking Buffalo around for three hours. Miami should win by about a possession and a half.
Bengals (8-6, won v. Eagles, Potential AFC Wild Card) vs. Steelers (7-7, lost v. Cowboys, Potential AFC Wild Card)
Another game that can kill a team’s hope. If Football Spock and his crew can triumph over the Steelers, they effectively kick Pittsburgh out of the hunt. And given how really shaky the Black N’ Gold have been–something we should be used to whenever Ben Roethlisberger gets hurt–it seems like it’s a distinct possibility. Expect Cincinnati to pull ahead late in the 2nd Quarter to win by less than a possession.
The Sucking Black Hole of Loserness (10-4, lost v. 49ers, 2nd Seed AFC East) vs. Gerbils (2-12, lost v. Dolphins)
Oh, you stupid, stupid Sucking Black Holes might feel all smug, knowing you’re going to the playoffs…but you do know deep in your dark, dark hole of a heart that you’re going to fold badly once the postseason begins, right? Hell, San Francisco felt so sorry for you they let you back in the game, and you still couldn’t win, could you? You mad, bro? You mad?
Boy, you should be grateful you got the Gerbils and the Dolphins to play these last two weeks. You can do that stanky ‘running up the score’ trick you do on people to convince them you’re the Best Eeeever going into the playoffs…but we know better, don’t we bro?
Enjoy this bajillion possession win against one of the worst teams in the NFL…because I’ll be laughing when you fall hard come the playoffs.
Colts (9-5, lost v. Texans, Potential AFC Wildcard) vs. Chiefs (2-12, lost v. Raiders)
The Colts are not going to win this because the Chiefs are wretchedly bad. The Colts are going to win by a possession because they’re genuinely good.
Sunday Games, 4:30 p.m
Browns (5-9, lost v. Native Americans) vs. Broncos (11-3, won v. Ravens, 2nd Seed AFC West)
Don’t let their record fool you–the Browns have been good, winning four games out of the last six, and giving legitimately better teams fit even when they lose. Cleveland may very well be the team to watch in 2013, a team that might actually make serious noise–hell, may even make the playoffs for the first time in, like, centuries.
And even though they’re going to lose to the Broncos. they’ll make it a hard-fought game. Expect Denver to squeak by with a less than possession win.
Giants (8-6, lost v. Falcons, Potential NFC Wild Card) vs. Ravens (9-5, lost v. Broncos, 4th Seed AFC North)
And here we have two teams struggling to stay in the postseason. The Ravens have had their defense tore up, while the Giants have seen their offense go off the rails in the last few weeks. However, the Ravens’ offense has been…shaky of late, which makes me wonder if they can overcome Big Blue’s still effective defense. Add in that New York has something to prove after their disastrous tilt versus Atlanta, and I think the Giants might pull this out by a narrow margin of a possession or less.
Bears (8-6, lost v. Packers, Potential NFC Wild Card) vs. Cardinals (5-9, won v. Lions)
The Bears, after a strong showing this season, seem to have fallen apart. Maybe the tension that has always been a part of the organization due to Kid Nastyman’s attitude has finally expressed itself on the field, but Chicago is suddenly beatable…and with the Cardinals finally coming off the snide, there’s a real strong chance that Arizona will beat them. Expect the Cards to somehow keep in the game and sneak past a win by less than a possession.
Sunday Game 8:30 p.m.
49ers (10-3-1, won v. The Sucking Black Hole of Loserness, 2nd Seed NFC West) vs. Seahawks (9-5, won v. Our Bitch, Potential NFC Wild Card)
There’s a reason this game is the marquee game for the week–this game literally decides the fate of both teams. If the 49ers drop this one, they end up tying with the ‘Hawks, and may very well lose out to Seattle due to the tiebreakers. That means San Fran falls to a Wild Card slot while Seattle slides into a 2nd Seed–which is entirely to their advantage, as the team is unbeatable this season. And given that the game is being played in Seattle, I am pretty confident in calling it for the Seahawks by a possession and a half.
See you for Rivalry Weekend!
No preamble this week…I’m filing this under the wire. Let’s get to it, then!
Sunday Games, 1:00 p.m.
Native Americans (7-6, won v. Ravens, Potential NFC Wild Card) vs. Browns (5-8, won v. Chiefs)
Throughout this season, I’ve been talking about how the Browns are a much tougher team than their record indicates. Cleveland is young and they’re always in games until the end. Hell, they’ve won five of their last eight games. And even though their chance of making the playoffs this year is gone, the Browns can build up confidence for next season by playing Spoiler.
And they can Spoil something fierce if they manage to throw a monkey wrench into Washington’s playoff run. And I think Mike Shanahan knows it, judging from the way he’s being cagey about whether Cousins or RG III will start (and how’d you like to have this conundrum, having to choose between two great QBs?).1 This is gonna be a tough, exciting game that could go either way…and I’m going to root for Cleveland to take it by a possession or less.
Colts (9-4, won v. Titans, Potential AFC Wild Card) vs. Texans (11-2, lost v. The Sucking Black Hole of Evil, 1st Seed AFC South)
I really suspect that the shellacking the Texans got at the hands of The Sucking Black Hole might have really unnerved them–it’s the worst loss they’ve had in a while, the kind of loss that will haunt them for the rest of the season….and given how Indianapolis is playing really hot, I suspect that this will be another heartbreaker for them. Oh, still expect my man J.J. Watt to be standing over Andrew Luck saluting the crowd because, you know, he’s awesome….but the Colts will eventually eke out a victory, shocking Houston into silence, by a possession and a half.
Broncos (10-3, won v. Raiders, 3rd Seed AFC West) vs. Ravens (9-4, lost v. Native Americans, 4th Seed AFC North)
Someone is going to be going home with their playoff spirits crushed this weekend. Both teams are tentatively holding onto their second-tier playoff spots, and need to win this to keep from dropping into Wild Card territory. On top of that, Denver is the odd man out, having to play without the advantage of their home field.
The key, if Denver is to win, lies in rattling The Marlboro Man, Joe Flacco. Joe is a good manager, but can be erratic–and with the Ravens defense being a little banged up, the Broncos can take advantage of that weakness. Peyton The Fetus Head is having a banner year, which may result in a high-passing game that will lead to Ed Reed picks and a couple of lead changes. But I think the Broncos will score more than the Ravens defense, leading to a Denver win by a possession and a half.
Gerbils (2-11, lost v. Paper Planes) vs. Dolphins (5-8, lost v. 49ers)
Welcome To The Land Of Junk Games!
Neither team has a chance to get into the playoffs, even with the surprising performance from Miami this season. And while Chad Henne is indisputably playing a better game (in that he seems to actually be playing something recognizable as football), and has been hitting his receivers with much more accuracy than Blane “The Lame” Gabbert, Jacksonville simply can’t score worth a damn. So barring another freak game, expect the Dolphins to leap into the winner’s circle by two to three possessions.
Vikings (7-6, won v. Bears, Potential NFC Wild Card) vs. Rams (6-6-1, won v. Bills, Potential NFC Wild Card)
Here we’ve got two teams that desperately need a win to keep their playoff hopes arrive. What is going to play a huge factor is which Christian Ponder shows up–because if we get Goofball Ponder, the team will collapse no matter how many carries they give Adrian Peterson. And I think that’s what’s going to happen, as the Vikes’ momentum has been decaying over the last few weeks. Expect St. Louis to win by about a possession and a half.
Buccaneers (6-7, lost v. Eagles) vs. Saints (5-8, lost v. Giants)
And here’s another Junk Game, albeit one that’s much more interesting. Both teams are pretty much out of playoff contention, but there’s a lot of pride to be gained by at least going 8-8. I think New Orleans needs it more, especially given all they’ve been though, and they’ll toughen up to snatch victory from the Bucs by two possessions.
Giants (8-5, won v. Saints, 4th Seed NFC East) vs. Falcons (11-2, lost v. Panthers, 1st Seed NFC South)
And here’s the antithesis of a Junk Game–two real tough contenders, one secure in their seeding and the other finding themselves fighting for their lives. Even with their loss to the Panthers last week, I don’t think the wheels have fallen off the Falcons just yet, while the Giants are playing unsteadily. The Dirty Birds should take out Big Blue by two possessions.
Packers (9-4, won v. Lions, 3rd Seed NFC North) vs. Bears (8-5, lost v. Vikings, Potential NFC Wild Card)
The Bears are really playing badly. Really badly. They seem to be spinning out of control, and Green Bay should take full advantage of this potential train wreck to pound Kid Nastyman and his Sidekick Marshall Sticky-Hands into the dust by about two possessions or more.
Sunday Games, 4:30 p.m
Seahawks (8-5, won v. Cardinals, 5th Seed NFC North) vs. Our Bitch (5-8, lost v. Rams)
This is going to be an ugly, one-sided game. I’m surprised Our Bitch actually got up to five wins given the total unreliability of Buffalo’s offense. Even without The Power Of Da Ugly-Ass Uniforms, Seattle should skin Buffalo alive by two to three possessions.
Panthers (4-9, won v. Falcons) vs. Chargers (5-8, won v. Steelers, Potential AFC Wild Card)
This is pretty interesting, as the Panthers seem to be gaining ground, getting more and more effective while the Chargers have this uncanny talent to put on their big boy pants in December that used to secure them a playoff berth early in Norv ‘Good Enough For Government Work’ Turner. But I think Carolina will prevail given San Diego’s overall suckiness by about a possession or less.
Lions (4-9, lost v. Packers) vs. Cardinals (4-9, lost v. Paper Planes)
I bet the Lions are really, really happy they’re getting the Cardinals…my God, Arizona is a team that’s dropped nine games in a row. If it wasn’t for that initial four game win streak, the Cards may have matched Detroit’s previous notoriety as a team with a no-win season. Detroit simply has more offensive weapons, and Arizona has Larry Fitzgerald rolling his eyes every time that idiotic rookie quarterback throws short. Expect the Lions to roar to victory by a possession and a half.
Chiefs (2-11, lost v. Browns) vs. Raiders (3-10, lost v. Broncos)
And now we return to the Land Of The Junk Games, with a game that will decide nothing except which team will get the second pick in the 2013 draft (I think it’s a given that the Gerbils have the first pick locked up right about now). This is going to be another Paper Planes/Gerbils travesty, with very low scoring. I’m giving it to the Raiders by less than a field goal because…well, because Kelen is my friend and I feel for him.
Steelers (7-6, lost v. Chargers, Potential AFC Wild Card) vs. Cowboys (7-6, won v. Bengals, Potential NFC Wild Card)
The Steelers are plummeting. The Cowboys…aren’t. Dallas should win this game by a possession.
Sunday Game 8:30 p.m.
49ers (9-3-1, won v. Dolphins, 2nd Seed NFC West) vs. The Sucking Black Hole of Evil (10-3, won v. Texans, 2nd Seed AFC East)
I am going to be very honest–I am picking this game totally from my irrational fan gut. These teams are very evenly matched, and could result in a low scoring strategic match. It could go either way (although I suspect Kaepernick’s relative inexperience will be San Fran’s downfall), so I will give it to the 49ers because I refuse to back Evil whenever I can.
Monday Game 8:30 p.m.
Paper Planes (6-7, won v. Gerbils, Potential AFC Wild Card) vs. Titans (4-9, lost v. Colts)
Imagine my surprise at writing ‘Potential AFC Wild Card’ next to the Paper Planes’ names. After all, they needed a lot of help, and last week they got it. They still need more help, but claiming Braylon Edwards is part of that help because…well, this’ll be the first time Mark Sanchez will have a receiver he could trust to catch his passes since Holmes went down.
Having both Dustin Keller and Braylon Edwards (who has never played as well as he did here) to rely on might be just the thing to lock in the Paper Planes’ win over Tennessee. The Titans are not good, and are very beatable, with no real offensive weapons to speak of. The Planes will struggle–because they’re the Paper Planes–but they will win by a possession or less, keeping them in the playoff hunt for one more week.
See you next week.
Leaderboard
Asti 85-44-1 (Last week 4-6)
Conley 80-49-1 (Last week 5-5)
Sellers 78-51-1 (Last week 6-4)
Deja 76-53-1 (Last week 5-5)
Week 13 Results
Houston 24 Tennessee 10
Indianapolis 35 Detroit 33
San Francisco 13 St. Louis 16
Minnesota 14 Green Bay 23
Seattle 23 Chicago 17
Tampa Bay 23 Denver 31
Cincinnati 20 San Diego 13
Cleveland 20 Oakland 17
Pittsburgh 23 Baltimore 20
NY Giants 16 Washington 17
The Games
Dallas @ Cincinnati
St. Louis @ Buffalo
Chicago @ Minnesota
Tennessee @ Indianapolis
San Diego @ Pittsburgh
Arizona @ Seattle
Baltimore @ Washington
New Orleans @ NY Giants
Detroit @ Green Bay
Houston @ New England
Asti
Cincinnati
St. Louis
Chicago
Indianapolis
Pittsburgh
Seattle
Baltimore (I know all about RGIII, but my gut tells me the Ravens are due)
New York Giants
Green Bay
New England (The Pats want to teach a lesson to the new kids on the block)
Conley
Dallas
Buffalo
Chicago
Indy
Pittsburgh
Seattle
Baltimore
New Orleans
Green Bay
Houston
Sellers
Cincy
Buffalo
Chicago
Indy
San Diego
Seattle
Baltimore
New Orleans
Green Bay
Houston (Screw New England!!)
Deja (See all of Tom’s picks in the latest Moves Like Curtis.)
Cincy
Rams
Bears
Indianapolis
Pittsburgh
Seahawks
Native Americans
New Orleans
Lions
Houston
As we get deeper into this last bit of season, there are changes to the positions in the playoff hunt have been pretty surprising…so let’s get to the games right away.
(And I’m still looking for super-fans for teams other than the Paper Planes, the Cowboys, the Raiders, and the Steelers for a series of articles post-season about what each NFL team needs to do to improve for the 2013 season. Please contact me through the site.)
Firing Train Itinerary
Andy Reid, Norv Turner, Ken Wisenhunt, Chan Gailey, Ron Rivera, Jason Garrett (pending the free agency of Sean Payton)
Sunday Games, 1:00 p.m.
Ravens (9-3, lost v. Steelers, 3rd Seed AFC North) vs. Native Americans (6-6, won v. Giants, Potential NFC Wild Card/NFC East Title)
The Ravens are solid, if shaky. The Native Americans are very solid in their way–thanks to some judicious drafting, Coach Shanahan has fashioned a team that has upset what was believed to be a sure thing, namely a Giants Division Title. Washington has become a major contender, at the very least a spoiler and at the most a definite contender for a division title. And given that Baltimore has been a little shaky offensively and banged up defensively…which makes them ripe for a loss that will consolidate the NA’s position. Now granted, I still believe Joe Flacco is a really good quarterback, and has the edge in experience over RG III…but the Ravens’ vaunted d-line is punched through enough for Washington to run all over them. Expect the Crimson and Gold to triumph narrowly by a possession or less.
Cowboys (6-6, won v. Eagles, Potential NFC Wild Card/NFC East Title) vs. Bengals (7-5, won v. Chargers, Potential AFC Wild Card)
I hope Jerry Jones called up Dan Snyder and thanked him for what Washington did for dem Cowboys. Thanks to that upset on Sunday night, Dallas has gone from being on the verge of becoming inconsequential to a major contender. This is what the ‘Boys desperately needed, and now the pressure is on Tony Romo and company to build on their opportunity…
And what stands in their way? Football Spock and the Tigers….and that may be a bad thing all ’round. Cincinnati also has benefited from the actions of one of their peers; the Steelers’ rout of the Ravens has effectively made it possible for them to snatch the AFC North title from Baltimore. And quite frankly, the Bengals have been getting better with every week, whereas the Cowboys have been consistently inconsistent. So I’m thinking Cincy will win by a possession and a half at most.
Rams (5-6-1, won v. 49ers) vs. Our Bitch (5-7, won v. Gerbils, Potential AFC Wild Card)
While the Rams have been doing better than anyone expected, they’re still not a good team. And, to my utter surprise, Our Bitch is still solidly in the playoff hunt thanks to this weird parity the lesser AFC East teams seem to share. Of course, the major difference is that the Rams have played well enough to give formidable teams like San Francisco fits, while Buffalo…has not. While it’s true that C.J. Spiller has been stepping up, fulfilling the promise he had when Our Bitch drafted him, I have no faith in Ryan Fitzpatrick as a quarterback. And even though the cold will be a factor, given that St. Louis is a dome team, I still expect the Rams to win by roughly a possession.
Eagles (3-9, lost v. Cowboys) vs. Buccaneers (6-6, lost v. Broncos, Potential NFC Wild Card)
There is no help for Andy Reid; Philadelphia has finally self-destructed, a slow, painful process that has taken over a season to complete. This team is thoroughly lost, and–as I think I’ve mentioned before–I do not think they can win another game. These next four matches are a simple gift for the Eagles’ opponent, strengthening their position in the playoff hunt. I expect another ugly, one-sided game with the Bucs triumphing by roughly a possession and a half.
Falcons (11-1, won v. Saints, 1st Seed NFC South) vs. Panthers (3-9, lost v. Chiefs)
…and speaking of one-sided affairs.
The Panthers have serious problems, problems that may not be solved in time for next season. And the Falcons are maybe the most effective team in the NFL right now. There’s still another loss in Atlanta’s future, but it won’t be at Carolina’s hands. Expect a two possession win for Mattie Ice and his crew.
Chiefs (2-10, won v. Panthers) vs. Browns (4-8, won v. Raiders)
The problem with playing from a position of emotion, as Kansas City did last week, is that those performances are very, very fleeting. Soon enough, poor skill reasserts itself and you’re back to playing in a terrible manner. The Chiefs can not maintain that emotionally high level of play anymore, leaving them wide open for the superior and hungry Cleveland team. This will be an easy two possession–or more–win for the Browns.
Chargers (4-8, lost v. Bengals) vs. Steelers (7-5, won v. Ravens, Potential AFC Wild Card)
The Steelers may be bloodied but they have managed to trudge closer and closer to a playoff appearance, which is pretty impressive for a team that was almost written off due to their shakiness. They may be getting some key pieces back which will give San Diego fits. And given how unsteady the Not-So-Super-Chargers are, it’s going to be a pretty awful time for them. Expect Pittsburgh to win by a possession and a half.
Titans (4-8, lost v. Texans) vs. Colts (8-4, won v. Lions, Potential AFC Wild Card)
The Titans are playing tougher than usual right now…but the Andrew Luck Colts are playing even tougher, making their appearance in the playoffs extremely likely. Indianapolis should trample Tennessee easily by two possessions.
Paper Planes (5-7, ‘won’ v. Cardinals, Potential AFC Wildcard) v. Gerbils (2-10, lost v. Our Bitch)
‘Potential AFC Wild Card’. Wow. Didn’t expect to write that this season. Especially after the most embarrassing game that I suspect has ever been played by two professional teams.
And yet, that phrase could seem very, very likely for the ‘Planes. The games Gang Green have for the rest of the season are ridiculously easy, although they will need to beat San Diego and Our Bitch decisively for this to even begin to happen.
And speaking of ridiculously easy–this game isn’t as easy as it looks. The Gerbils have been playing better under Chad Henne, and Henne has beaten the Planes before (3-1 against the team). Of course, the Gerbils will struggle with two of their offensive weapons out…so I’m willing to bet that the Paper Planes, even with Mark Sanchez under center, wins by less than a possession.
Bears (8-4, lost v. Seahawks, Potential NFC Wild Card) vs. Vikings (6-6, lost v. Packers, Potential NFC Wild Card)
See, this is why you have to keep fighting and fighting hard even in the home stretch. Because the Bears let their guard down last week, they’ve been kicked out of their dominance of the NFC North and lost whatever home field advantage they had in the playoffs. Chicago needs to win every game from here on in and hope that Seattle stumbles once, ideally twice.
Thankfully, the Bears have Minnesota this week, who have not totally self-destructed like, let’s say, Arizona or Philadelphia, but are still very shaky. Christian Ponder is simply not doing well, and there’s only so much we can expect Adrian Peterson to carry this team by himself–his shoulders are simply not that broad. This is going to be a low-scoring, toughly played game that will result in a Bears win by less than a possession.
Sunday Games, 4:30 p.m
Dolphins (5-7, lost v. Sucking Black Hole of Evil, Potential AFC Wild Card) vs. 49ers (8-3-1, lost v. Rams, 2nd Seed NFC West)
The Dolphins may be playing much, much better than they should have–unlike, let’s say, the Paper Planes and Our Bitch, they have been playing every game hard. But I can’t see Miami winning against San Francisco, even a San Fran team that’s been playing so erratic. Expect the 49ers to slide into a victory by a possession or less.
Cardinals (4-8, lost v. Paper Planes) vs. Seahawks (7-5, won v. Bears, Potential NFC Wild Card)
And the question is not if the Cards will lose this week–they’re playing in Seattle, where Russell Wilson is simply unbeatable–but if they’ll win a game at all the rest of this season. John Skelton may give Arizona a little bit of a lift, but it won’t stop the Seahawks from smacking the Cards with their weird-looking, ugly ass uniforms by a possession to two possessions.
Saints (5-7, lost v. Falcons) vs. Giants (7-5, lost v. Native Americans)
This game could go either way. The Saints are playing well after that horrific start, while Big Blue seem to be struggling–something we all sort of figured out when we saw them almost lose to the Bucs and get pasted by the Native Americans and the Cowboys. This is the perfect time for the Saints to run into the Giants, as they can easily pad out their win total a bit more in the hopes of climbing back into that playoff race. Add into it the fact that Drew Brees seems to love playing this team, winning again and again and again against this squad, and we may have a tiny bit of an upset. I’m going for New Orleans to win by a possession and a half.
Sunday Game 8:30 p.m.
Lions (4-8, lost v. Colts) vs. Packers (8-4, won v. Vikings, 3rd Seed NFC North)
The Lions need to win this game. Their chances of making the playoffs are almost non-existent at this point, but the more important thing is to avoid slipping back into the dreaded Culture O’ Losing. Detroit has spent so much time working on being better that they can’t afford to become that sad sack little group of mewling kittens who once went 0-16. And luckily for them, the Pack has not been very good…and especially has not been good at home lately. If the Lions man up and pull this off, they’ll act as a spoiler, messing up Green Bay’s playoff run. It’s going to be a close game–we’re talking a field goal or less
Monday Game 8:30 p.m.
Texans (11-1, won v. Titans, 1st Seed AFC South) vs. The Sucking Black Hole of Evil (9-3, won v. Dolphins, 4th Seed AFC East)
Truth be told, this is a game I’ve been waiting for all season…if only because I’ve been dreaming of seeing J.J. Watt standing over the prone body of the Crybaby Quarterback and giving the Foxboro faithful that salute. Multiple times.
The Texans are simply a better team, with a pass rush that will hurry up and knock the Crybaby Quarterback all the way back to his home (Hell, he’ll be crying more than his newborn daughter!). The only thing the Sucking Black Hole can hope for is to frequently switch up between different receivers to confuse Houston’s defense and diffuse the secondary…but I think you need to bet on the red and blue, as they’ll win by about a possession and a half over the Sucking Black Hole.
Thursday Night Games (Week 15) 8:20 p.m.
Bengals v. Eagles
The Bengals are getting better, and the Eagles have reached the point of no return. Football Spock for the win by two to three possessions.
See you next week.
