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Moves Like Curtis: You Mad, Bro? (Week 16)

Dec. 23 All, Articles, Features, Moves Like Curtis, NFL, Sports 3 comments

You’ll notice there’s no Monday Night Game. That’s because some years ago some church-type people got all bent out of shape because the NFL dared put football games on Christmas Eve…so we’re getting Monday off.

So let’s get to it, then…

Saturday Game, 8:30 p.m.

Falcons (12-2, won v. Giants, 1st Seed NFC South) vs. Lions (4-10, lost v. Cardinals)

The Falcons are gaining momentum–and given that they were pretty nasty to begin with, gaining momentum is akin to a tiger waking up to find another tiger strapped to its back. There is a good chance that Atlanta is unstoppable going into the playoffs (once they’re in the playoffs is another thing altogether, but we’ll get to that once we hit Wildcard weekend). And given that the Football Gods have decided to throw Detroit’s suffering Lions to them for a week sixteen opponent, Matt Stafford and company don’t stand a chance. Expect a lop-sided, painful to watch win, with Atlanta going over the Lions by three possessions or more.

Sunday Games, 1:00 p.m.

Titans (5-9, won v. Paper Planes) vs. Packers (10-4, won v. Bears, 3rd Seed NFC North)

There was a span of, oh, about twenty minutes where I thought Tennessee might actually be about to make something of themselves. Jake Locker’s performance seems to have shaped up into a dead cat bounce, and the Titans are back to being suck monsters. Hell, if it wasn’t for the fact that The Paper Planes are striving really hard to be even bigger Suck Monsters, they would have lost on Monday night. They’re just not very good, what with a porous defense and a quarterback who simply doesn’t have anything in the neighborhood of an arm.

Which is why they will prove to be the perfect tune-up for Green Bay. The Pack has been unsteady all season, but they seem to be stable. The only thing that worries me about them is their uncanny habit of losing to teams they really shouldn’t have, and losing badly. Still, even with all the shakiness in their game, Green Bay should easily trample Tennessee by a possession and a half.

Vikings (8-6, won v. Rams, Potential NFC Wild Card) vs. Texans (12-2, won v. Colts,1st Seed AFC South)

As bad as Christian Ponder is–and he has regressed in this second half of the season almost as badly as Mark Sanchez–it’s to Minnesota’s credit that they’ve continued to move forward, grinding out enough wins to still be a legitimate playoff team this late in the game. The only thing that’s keeping the Vikes out of a Wild Card slot is the rubbery play of the receiving corps.

And given that the Texans are still One Of The Best In The Business, and J.J. Watt is probably smacking his lips in anticipation of sacking Ponder, like, a billion times, Minnesota will end up being a one dimensional team….and one dimensional teams is dessert for Houston. Expect a Texans win by one to two possessions.

Rams (6-7-1, lost v. Vikings, Potential NFC Wild Card) vs. Buccaneers (6-8, lost v. Saints)

And here we’ve got two teams going in different directions. To my surprise, St. Louis has been playing each game tough, and even though they’re still not great, they’re good enough to be a player in the postseason race. And Tampa Bay started out strong but has been slipping, almost as if they’re willfully trying to knock themselves out of playoff contention. The offense is pretty evenly matched (although I still think Josh Freeman is a better QB than Sam Bradford)…but I think the defense of the Rams, combined with Jeff Fisher’s play calling, is what is going to lead St. Louis to a narrow, one possession victory.

Native Americans (8-6, won v. Browns, 4th Seed NFC East) vs. Eagles (4-10, lost v. Bengals)

This is going to be painful. The Native Americans have found themselves in the position to win a division championship, and they need to fight hard to keep that position….

…except that they’ve got the wreck where the Eagles once stood. Philadelphia is way beyond hopeless, even with the slight signs of life they’ve shown in recent games. I doubt that the Eagles will reach double digits in this game no matter who’s under center. Expect Washington to beat Philly like the team collectively owns them money, with a win by over two possessions.

Saints (6-8, won v. Native Americans) vs. Cowboys (8-6, won v. Steelers, Potential NFC Wild Card)

And speaking of people who stumbled into playoff positioning….meet the Cowboys, who may very well have saved Jason Garrett’s job by beating Pittsburgh and crawling into a potential Wild Card berth. Of course, no one by die-hard ‘Boys fans (Hi, Zach!) know how unsteady Dallas truly is. This is not a solid team by a long shot, and that unsteadiness is what is going to foul up their dreams thanks to the surging Saints. After all, there’s nothing quite as dangerous as a team with nothing to lose, except a team with nothing to lose that has Drew Brees under center. Expect one of those games with lots of lead changes, resulting in New Orleans winning by less than a possession.

Chargers (5-9, lost v. Panthers) vs. Paper Planes (6-8, lost v. Titans)

sigh…

I know you all have been waiting for my rant on what happened on Monday, but trust me–it’s too long and too foul-mouthed for me to post it here. Let’s agree to reconvene after the Super Bowl and I’ll outline exactly why this team was screwed from early this summer.

(And let me once again state that I’m still looking for super-fans who would like to discuss their teams’ needs for 2013. Please contact me through TricycleOffense.com.)

The Chargers are wretched, and thankfully we’ve got Greg McElroy starting. I think the unfamiliarity of McElroy may result in a dead cat bounce that will give the Paper Planes a false sense of competency and a win by less than one possession.

Raiders (4-10, won v. Chiefs) vs. Panthers (5-9, won v. Chargers)

Congratulations, Raiders! You come off a confidence building win against the Chiefs only to walk into the buzzsaw of a newly confident Panthers team. Hopefully Carolina will leave enough pieces left to put you back together after their two possession win.

Our Bitch (5-9, lost v. Seahawks) vs. Dolphins (6-8, won v. Gerbils, Potential AFC Wild Card)

You know what’s going to really suck? Having the Dolphins solidify their Wild Card chances by smacking Buffalo around for three hours. Miami should win by about a possession and a half.

Bengals (8-6, won v. Eagles, Potential AFC Wild Card) vs. Steelers (7-7, lost v. Cowboys, Potential AFC Wild Card)

Another game that can kill a team’s hope. If Football Spock and his crew can triumph over the Steelers, they effectively kick Pittsburgh out of the hunt. And given how really shaky the Black N’ Gold have been–something we should be used to whenever Ben Roethlisberger gets hurt–it seems like it’s a distinct possibility. Expect Cincinnati to pull ahead late in the 2nd Quarter to win by less than a possession.

The Sucking Black Hole of Loserness (10-4, lost v. 49ers, 2nd Seed AFC East) vs. Gerbils (2-12, lost v. Dolphins)

Oh, you stupid, stupid Sucking Black Holes might feel all smug, knowing you’re going to the playoffs…but you do know deep in your dark, dark hole of a heart that you’re going to fold badly once the postseason begins, right? Hell, San Francisco felt so sorry for you they let you back in the game, and you still couldn’t win, could you? You mad, bro? You mad?

Boy, you should be grateful you got the Gerbils and the Dolphins to play these last two weeks. You can do that stanky ‘running up the score’ trick you do on people to convince them you’re the Best Eeeever going into the playoffs…but we know better, don’t we bro?

Enjoy this bajillion possession win against one of the worst teams in the NFL…because I’ll be laughing when you fall hard come the playoffs.

Colts (9-5, lost v. Texans, Potential AFC Wildcard) vs. Chiefs (2-12, lost v. Raiders)

The Colts are not going to win this because the Chiefs are wretchedly bad. The Colts are going to win by a possession because they’re genuinely good.

Sunday Games, 4:30 p.m

Browns (5-9, lost v. Native Americans) vs. Broncos (11-3, won v. Ravens, 2nd Seed AFC West)

Don’t let their record fool you–the Browns have been good, winning four games out of the last six, and giving legitimately better teams fit even when they lose. Cleveland may very well be the team to watch in 2013, a team that might actually make serious noise–hell, may even make the playoffs for the first time in, like, centuries.

And even though they’re going to lose to the Broncos. they’ll make it a hard-fought game. Expect Denver to squeak by with a less than possession win.

Giants (8-6, lost v. Falcons, Potential NFC Wild Card) vs. Ravens (9-5, lost v. Broncos, 4th Seed AFC North)

And here we have two teams struggling to stay in the postseason. The Ravens have had their defense tore up, while the Giants have seen their offense go off the rails in the last few weeks. However, the Ravens’ offense has been…shaky of late, which makes me wonder if they can overcome Big Blue’s still effective defense. Add in that New York has something to prove after their disastrous tilt versus Atlanta, and I think the Giants might pull this out by a narrow margin of a possession or less.

Bears (8-6, lost v. Packers, Potential NFC Wild Card) vs. Cardinals (5-9, won v. Lions)

The Bears, after a strong showing this season, seem to have fallen apart. Maybe the tension that has always been a part of the organization due to Kid Nastyman’s attitude has finally expressed itself on the field, but Chicago is suddenly beatable…and with the Cardinals finally coming off the snide, there’s a real strong chance that Arizona will beat them. Expect the Cards to somehow keep in the game and sneak past a win by less than a possession.

Sunday Game 8:30 p.m.

49ers (10-3-1, won v. The Sucking Black Hole of Loserness, 2nd Seed NFC West) vs. Seahawks (9-5, won v. Our Bitch, Potential NFC Wild Card)

There’s a reason this game is the marquee game for the week–this game literally decides the fate of both teams. If the 49ers drop this one, they end up tying with the ‘Hawks, and may very well lose out to Seattle due to the tiebreakers. That means San Fran falls to a Wild Card slot while Seattle slides into a 2nd Seed–which is entirely to their advantage, as the team is unbeatable this season. And given that the game is being played in Seattle, I am pretty confident in calling it for the Seahawks by a possession and a half.

See you for Rivalry Weekend!

Tags: AFC North, AFC South, AFC West, AFC Wild Card, Andy Dalton, Arizona Cardinals, Atlanta Falcons, Baltimore Ravens, Ben Roethlisberger, Buffalo Bills, Carolina Panthers, Chicago Bears, Christian Ponder, Cincinnati Bengals, Cleveland Browns, Dallas Cowboys, Denver Broncos, Detroit Lions, Drew Brees, Gerbils, Green Bay Packers, Greg McElroy, Houston Texans, Indianapolis Colts, J.J. Watt, Jacksonville Jaguars, Jake Locker, Jason Garrett, Jay Cutler, Jeff Fisher, Josh Freeman, Kansas City Chiefs, Mark Sanchez, Matthew Stafford, Miami Dolphins, Minnesota Vikings, Native Americans, New England Patriots, New Orleans Saints, New York Giants, New York Jets, NFC East, NFC North, NFC South, NFC West, NFC Wild Card, Oakland Raiders, Our Bitch, Paper Planes, Philadelphia Eagles, Pittsburgh Steelers, Sam Bradford, San Diego Chargers, San Francisco 49ers, Seattle Seahawks, St. Louis Rams, suck monsters, Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Tennessee Titans, The Sucking Black Hole Of Loserness, Washington Redskins

Moves Like Curtis: Junk Games and Playoff Positioning (Week 15)

Dec. 16 All, Articles, Features, Moves Like Curtis, NFL, Sports 4 comments

No preamble this week…I’m filing this under the wire. Let’s get to it, then!

Sunday Games, 1:00 p.m.

Native Americans (7-6, won v. Ravens, Potential NFC Wild Card) vs. Browns (5-8, won v. Chiefs)

Throughout this season, I’ve been talking about how the Browns are a much tougher team than their record indicates. Cleveland is young and they’re always in games until the end. Hell, they’ve won five of their last eight games. And even though their chance of making the playoffs this year is gone, the Browns can build up confidence for next season by playing Spoiler.

And they can Spoil something fierce if they manage to throw a monkey wrench into Washington’s playoff run. And I think Mike Shanahan knows it, judging from the way he’s being cagey about whether Cousins or RG III will start (and how’d you like to have this conundrum, having to choose between two great QBs?).¹ This is gonna be a tough, exciting game that could go either way…and I’m going to root for Cleveland to take it by a possession or less.

Colts (9-4, won v. Titans, Potential AFC Wild Card) vs. Texans (11-2, lost v. The Sucking Black Hole of Evil, 1st Seed AFC South)

I really suspect that the shellacking the Texans got at the hands of The Sucking Black Hole might have really unnerved them–it’s the worst loss they’ve had in a while, the kind of loss that will haunt them for the rest of the season….and given how Indianapolis is playing really hot, I suspect that this will be another heartbreaker for them. Oh, still expect my man J.J. Watt to be standing over Andrew Luck saluting the crowd because, you know, he’s awesome….but the Colts will eventually eke out a victory, shocking Houston into silence, by a possession and a half.

Broncos (10-3, won v. Raiders, 3rd Seed AFC West) vs. Ravens (9-4, lost v. Native Americans, 4th Seed AFC North)

Someone is going to be going home with their playoff spirits crushed this weekend. Both teams are tentatively holding onto their second-tier playoff spots, and need to win this to keep from dropping into Wild Card territory. On top of that, Denver is the odd man out, having to play without the advantage of their home field.

The key, if Denver is to win, lies in rattling The Marlboro Man, Joe Flacco. Joe is a good manager, but can be erratic–and with the Ravens defense being a little banged up, the Broncos can take advantage of that weakness. Peyton The Fetus Head is having a banner year, which may result in a high-passing game that will lead to Ed Reed picks and a couple of lead changes. But I think the Broncos will score more than the Ravens defense, leading to a Denver win by a possession and a half.

Gerbils (2-11, lost v. Paper Planes) vs. Dolphins (5-8, lost v. 49ers)

Welcome To The Land Of Junk Games!

Neither team has a chance to get into the playoffs, even with the surprising performance from Miami this season. And while Chad Henne is indisputably playing a better game (in that he seems to actually be playing something recognizable as football), and has been hitting his receivers with much more accuracy than Blane “The Lame” Gabbert, Jacksonville simply can’t score worth a damn. So barring another freak game, expect the Dolphins to leap into the winner’s circle by two to three possessions.

Vikings (7-6, won v. Bears, Potential NFC Wild Card) vs. Rams (6-6-1, won v. Bills, Potential NFC Wild Card)

Here we’ve got two teams that desperately need a win to keep their playoff hopes arrive. What is going to play a huge factor is which Christian Ponder shows up–because if we get Goofball Ponder, the team will collapse no matter how many carries they give Adrian Peterson. And I think that’s what’s going to happen, as the Vikes’ momentum has been decaying over the last few weeks. Expect St. Louis to win by about a possession and a half.

Buccaneers (6-7, lost v. Eagles) vs. Saints (5-8, lost v. Giants)

And here’s another Junk Game, albeit one that’s much more interesting. Both teams are pretty much out of playoff contention, but there’s a lot of pride to be gained by at least going 8-8. I think New Orleans needs it more, especially given all they’ve been though, and they’ll toughen up to snatch victory from the Bucs by two possessions.

Giants (8-5, won v. Saints, 4th Seed NFC East) vs. Falcons (11-2, lost v. Panthers, 1st Seed NFC South)

And here’s the antithesis of a Junk Game–two real tough contenders, one secure in their seeding and the other finding themselves fighting for their lives. Even with their loss to the Panthers last week, I don’t think the wheels have fallen off the Falcons just yet, while the Giants are playing unsteadily. The Dirty Birds should take out Big Blue by two possessions.

Packers (9-4, won v. Lions, 3rd Seed NFC North) vs. Bears (8-5, lost v. Vikings, Potential NFC Wild Card)

The Bears are really playing badly. Really badly. They seem to be spinning out of control, and Green Bay should take full advantage of this potential train wreck to pound Kid Nastyman and his Sidekick Marshall Sticky-Hands into the dust by about two possessions or more.

Sunday Games, 4:30 p.m

Seahawks (8-5, won v. Cardinals, 5th Seed NFC North) vs. Our Bitch (5-8, lost v. Rams)

This is going to be an ugly, one-sided game. I’m surprised Our Bitch actually got up to five wins given the total unreliability of Buffalo’s offense. Even without The Power Of Da Ugly-Ass Uniforms, Seattle should skin Buffalo alive by two to three possessions.

Panthers (4-9, won v. Falcons) vs. Chargers (5-8, won v. Steelers, Potential AFC Wild Card)

This is pretty interesting, as the Panthers seem to be gaining ground, getting more and more effective while the Chargers have this uncanny talent to put on their big boy pants in December that used to secure them a playoff berth early in Norv ‘Good Enough For Government Work’ Turner. But I think Carolina will prevail given San Diego’s overall suckiness by about a possession or less.

Lions (4-9, lost v. Packers) vs. Cardinals (4-9, lost v. Paper Planes)

I bet the Lions are really, really happy they’re getting the Cardinals…my God, Arizona is a team that’s dropped nine games in a row. If it wasn’t for that initial four game win streak, the Cards may have matched Detroit’s previous notoriety as a team with a no-win season. Detroit simply has more offensive weapons, and Arizona has Larry Fitzgerald rolling his eyes every time that idiotic rookie quarterback throws short. Expect the Lions to roar to victory by a possession and a half.

Chiefs (2-11, lost v. Browns) vs. Raiders (3-10, lost v. Broncos)

And now we return to the Land Of The Junk Games, with a game that will decide nothing except which team will get the second pick in the 2013 draft (I think it’s a given that the Gerbils have the first pick locked up right about now). This is going to be another Paper Planes/Gerbils travesty, with very low scoring. I’m giving it to the Raiders by less than a field goal because…well, because Kelen is my friend and I feel for him.

Steelers (7-6, lost v. Chargers, Potential AFC Wild Card) vs. Cowboys (7-6, won v. Bengals, Potential NFC Wild Card)

The Steelers are plummeting. The Cowboys…aren’t. Dallas should win this game by a possession.

Sunday Game 8:30 p.m.

49ers (9-3-1, won v. Dolphins, 2nd Seed NFC West) vs. The Sucking Black Hole of Evil (10-3, won v. Texans, 2nd Seed AFC East)

I am going to be very honest–I am picking this game totally from my irrational fan gut. These teams are very evenly matched, and could result in a low scoring strategic match. It could go either way (although I suspect Kaepernick’s relative inexperience will be San Fran’s downfall), so I will give it to the 49ers because I refuse to back Evil whenever I can.

Monday Game 8:30 p.m.

Paper Planes (6-7, won v. Gerbils, Potential AFC Wild Card) vs. Titans (4-9, lost v. Colts)

Imagine my surprise at writing ‘Potential AFC Wild Card’ next to the Paper Planes’ names. After all, they needed a lot of help, and last week they got it. They still need more help, but claiming Braylon Edwards is part of that help because…well, this’ll be the first time Mark Sanchez will have a receiver he could trust to catch his passes since Holmes went down.

Having both Dustin Keller and Braylon Edwards (who has never played as well as he did here) to rely on might be just the thing to lock in the Paper Planes’ win over Tennessee. The Titans are not good, and are very beatable, with no real offensive weapons to speak of. The Planes will struggle–because they’re the Paper Planes–but they will win by a possession or less, keeping them in the playoff hunt for one more week.

See you next week.

Tags: Adrian Peterson, AFC East, AFC North, AFC South, AFC West, AFC Wild Card, Andrew Luck, Arizona Cardinals, Atlanta Falcons, Baltimore Ravens, Blain "The Lame" Gabbert., Blaine Gabbert, Brandon Marshall, Braylon Edwards, Buffalo Bills, Carolina Panthers, Chad Henne, Chicago Bears, Christian Ponder, Cincinnati Bengals, Cleveland Browns, Colin Kaepernick, Dallas Cowboys, Denver Broncos, Detroit Lions, Dustin Keller, Ed Reed, Gerbils, Green Bay Packers, Houston Texans, Indianapolis Colts, J.J. Watt, Jacksonville Jaguars, Jay Cutler, Joe Flacco, John Skelton, Kansas City Chiefs, Larry Fitzgerald, Mark Sanchez, Miami Dolphins, Mike Shanahan, Minnesota Vikings, New England Patriots, New Orleans Saints, New York Giants, New York Jets, NFC East, NFC North, NFC South, NFC West, NFC Wild Card, Norv Turner, Oakland Raiders, Our Bitch, Paper Planes, Peyton Manning, Philadelphia Eagles, Pittsburgh Steelers, San Diego Chargers, San Francisco 49ers, Santonio Holmes, Seattle Seahawks, St. Louis Rams, Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Tennessee Titans, The Sucking Black Hole Of Evil, Washington Redskins

Moves Like Curtis: Russell Wilson is Unbeatable at Home in his Ugly Uniform (Week 14)

Dec. 09 All, Articles, Features, Moves Like Curtis, NFL, Sports 3 comments

As we get deeper into this last bit of season, there are changes to the positions in the playoff hunt have been pretty surprising…so let’s get to the games right away.

(And I’m still looking for super-fans for teams other than the Paper Planes, the Cowboys, the Raiders, and the Steelers for a series of articles post-season about what each NFL team needs to do to improve for the 2013 season. Please contact me through the site.)

Firing Train Itinerary

Andy Reid, Norv Turner, Ken Wisenhunt, Chan Gailey, Ron Rivera, Jason Garrett (pending the free agency of Sean Payton)

Sunday Games, 1:00 p.m.

Ravens (9-3, lost v. Steelers, 3rd Seed AFC North) vs. Native Americans (6-6, won v. Giants, Potential NFC Wild Card/NFC East Title)

The Ravens are solid, if shaky. The Native Americans are very solid in their way–thanks to some judicious drafting, Coach Shanahan has fashioned a team that has upset what was believed to be a sure thing, namely a Giants Division Title. Washington has become a major contender, at the very least a spoiler and at the most a definite contender for a division title. And given that Baltimore has been a little shaky offensively and banged up defensively…which makes them ripe for a loss that will consolidate the NA’s position. Now granted, I still believe Joe Flacco is a really good quarterback, and has the edge in experience over RG III…but the Ravens’ vaunted d-line is punched through enough for Washington to run all over them. Expect the Crimson and Gold to triumph narrowly by a possession or less.

Cowboys (6-6, won v. Eagles, Potential NFC Wild Card/NFC East Title) vs. Bengals (7-5, won v. Chargers, Potential AFC Wild Card)

I hope Jerry Jones called up Dan Snyder and thanked him for what Washington did for dem Cowboys. Thanks to that upset on Sunday night, Dallas has gone from being on the verge of becoming inconsequential to a major contender. This is what the ‘Boys desperately needed, and now the pressure is on Tony Romo and company to build on their opportunity…

And what stands in their way? Football Spock and the Tigers….and that may be a bad thing all ’round. Cincinnati also has benefited from the actions of one of their peers; the Steelers’ rout of the Ravens has effectively made it possible for them to snatch the AFC North title from Baltimore. And quite frankly, the Bengals have been getting better with every week, whereas the Cowboys have been consistently inconsistent. So I’m thinking Cincy will win by a possession and a half at most.

Rams (5-6-1, won v. 49ers) vs. Our Bitch (5-7, won v. Gerbils, Potential AFC Wild Card)

While the Rams have been doing better than anyone expected, they’re still not a good team. And, to my utter surprise, Our Bitch is still solidly in the playoff hunt thanks to this weird parity the lesser AFC East teams seem to share. Of course, the major difference is that the Rams have played well enough to give formidable teams like San Francisco fits, while Buffalo…has not. While it’s true that C.J. Spiller has been stepping up, fulfilling the promise he had when Our Bitch drafted him, I have no faith in Ryan Fitzpatrick as a quarterback. And even though the cold will be a factor, given that St. Louis is a dome team, I still expect the Rams to win by roughly a possession.

Eagles (3-9, lost v. Cowboys) vs. Buccaneers (6-6, lost v. Broncos, Potential NFC Wild Card)

There is no help for Andy Reid; Philadelphia has finally self-destructed, a slow, painful process that has taken over a season to complete. This team is thoroughly lost, and–as I think I’ve mentioned before–I do not think they can win another game. These next four matches are a simple gift for the Eagles’ opponent, strengthening their position in the playoff hunt. I expect another ugly, one-sided game with the Bucs triumphing by roughly a possession and a half.

Falcons (11-1, won v. Saints, 1st Seed NFC South) vs. Panthers (3-9, lost v. Chiefs)

…and speaking of one-sided affairs.

The Panthers have serious problems, problems that may not be solved in time for next season. And the Falcons are maybe the most effective team in the NFL right now. There’s still another loss in Atlanta’s future, but it won’t be at Carolina’s hands. Expect a two possession win for Mattie Ice and his crew.

Chiefs (2-10, won v. Panthers) vs. Browns (4-8, won v. Raiders)

The problem with playing from a position of emotion, as Kansas City did last week, is that those performances are very, very fleeting. Soon enough, poor skill reasserts itself and you’re back to playing in a terrible manner. The Chiefs can not maintain that emotionally high level of play anymore, leaving them wide open for the superior and hungry Cleveland team. This will be an easy two possession–or more–win for the Browns.

Chargers (4-8, lost v. Bengals) vs. Steelers (7-5, won v. Ravens, Potential AFC Wild Card)

The Steelers may be bloodied but they have managed to trudge closer and closer to a playoff appearance, which is pretty impressive for a team that was almost written off due to their shakiness. They may be getting some key pieces back which will give San Diego fits. And given how unsteady the Not-So-Super-Chargers are, it’s going to be a pretty awful time for them. Expect Pittsburgh to win by a possession and a half.

Titans (4-8, lost v. Texans) vs. Colts (8-4, won v. Lions, Potential AFC Wild Card)

The Titans are playing tougher than usual right now…but the Andrew Luck Colts are playing even tougher, making their appearance in the playoffs extremely likely. Indianapolis should trample Tennessee easily by two possessions.

Paper Planes (5-7, ‘won’ v. Cardinals, Potential AFC Wildcard) v. Gerbils (2-10, lost v. Our Bitch)

‘Potential AFC Wild Card’. Wow. Didn’t expect to write that this season. Especially after the most embarrassing game that I suspect has ever been played by two professional teams.

And yet, that phrase could seem very, very likely for the ‘Planes. The games Gang Green have for the rest of the season are ridiculously easy, although they will need to beat San Diego and Our Bitch decisively for this to even begin to happen.

And speaking of ridiculously easy–this game isn’t as easy as it looks. The Gerbils have been playing better under Chad Henne, and Henne has beaten the Planes before (3-1 against the team). Of course, the Gerbils will struggle with two of their offensive weapons out…so I’m willing to bet that the Paper Planes, even with Mark Sanchez under center, wins by less than a possession.

Bears (8-4, lost v. Seahawks, Potential NFC Wild Card) vs. Vikings (6-6, lost v. Packers, Potential NFC Wild Card)

See, this is why you have to keep fighting and fighting hard even in the home stretch. Because the Bears let their guard down last week, they’ve been kicked out of their dominance of the NFC North and lost whatever home field advantage they had in the playoffs. Chicago needs to win every game from here on in and hope that Seattle stumbles once, ideally twice.

Thankfully, the Bears have Minnesota this week, who have not totally self-destructed like, let’s say, Arizona or Philadelphia, but are still very shaky. Christian Ponder is simply not doing well, and there’s only so much we can expect Adrian Peterson to carry this team by himself–his shoulders are simply not that broad. This is going to be a low-scoring, toughly played game that will result in a Bears win by less than a possession.

Sunday Games, 4:30 p.m

Dolphins (5-7, lost v. Sucking Black Hole of Evil, Potential AFC Wild Card) vs. 49ers (8-3-1, lost v. Rams, 2nd Seed NFC West)

The Dolphins may be playing much, much better than they should have–unlike, let’s say, the Paper Planes and Our Bitch, they have been playing every game hard. But I can’t see Miami winning against San Francisco, even a San Fran team that’s been playing so erratic. Expect the 49ers to slide into a victory by a possession or less.

Cardinals (4-8, lost v. Paper Planes) vs. Seahawks (7-5, won v. Bears, Potential NFC Wild Card)

And the question is not if the Cards will lose this week–they’re playing in Seattle, where Russell Wilson is simply unbeatable–but if they’ll win a game at all the rest of this season. John Skelton may give Arizona a little bit of a lift, but it won’t stop the Seahawks from smacking the Cards with their weird-looking, ugly ass uniforms by a possession to two possessions.

Saints (5-7, lost v. Falcons) vs. Giants (7-5, lost v. Native Americans)

This game could go either way. The Saints are playing well after that horrific start, while Big Blue seem to be struggling–something we all sort of figured out when we saw them almost lose to the Bucs and get pasted by the Native Americans and the Cowboys. This is the perfect time for the Saints to run into the Giants, as they can easily pad out their win total a bit more in the hopes of climbing back into that playoff race. Add into it the fact that Drew Brees seems to love playing this team, winning again and again and again against this squad, and we may have a tiny bit of an upset. I’m going for New Orleans to win by a possession and a half.

Sunday Game 8:30 p.m.

Lions (4-8, lost v. Colts) vs. Packers (8-4, won v. Vikings, 3rd Seed NFC North)

The Lions need to win this game. Their chances of making the playoffs are almost non-existent at this point, but the more important thing is to avoid slipping back into the dreaded Culture O’ Losing. Detroit has spent so much time working on being better that they can’t afford to become that sad sack little group of mewling kittens who once went 0-16. And luckily for them, the Pack has not been very good…and especially has not been good at home lately. If the Lions man up and pull this off, they’ll act as a spoiler, messing up Green Bay’s playoff run. It’s going to be a close game–we’re talking a field goal or less

Monday Game 8:30 p.m.

Texans (11-1, won v. Titans, 1st Seed AFC South) vs. The Sucking Black Hole of Evil (9-3, won v. Dolphins, 4th Seed AFC East)

Truth be told, this is a game I’ve been waiting for all season…if only because I’ve been dreaming of seeing J.J. Watt standing over the prone body of the Crybaby Quarterback and giving the Foxboro faithful that salute. Multiple times.

The Texans are simply a better team, with a pass rush that will hurry up and knock the Crybaby Quarterback all the way back to his home (Hell, he’ll be crying more than his newborn daughter!). The only thing the Sucking Black Hole can hope for is to frequently switch up between different receivers to confuse Houston’s defense and diffuse the secondary…but I think you need to bet on the red and blue, as they’ll win by about a possession and a half over the Sucking Black Hole.

Thursday Night Games (Week 15) 8:20 p.m.

Bengals v. Eagles

The Bengals are getting better, and the Eagles have reached the point of no return. Football Spock for the win by two to three possessions.

See you next week.

Tags: Adrian Peterson, AFC East, AFC North, AFC Wild Card, Andrew Luck, Andy Dalton, Andy Reid, Arizona Cardinals, Atlanta Falcons, Baltimore Ravens, Buffalo Bills, C.J. Spiller, Carolina Panthers, Chad Henne, Chan Gailey, Chicago Bears, Christian Ponder, Cincinnati Bengals, Cleveland Browns, Culture Of Losing, Dallas Cowboys, Dan Snyder, Denver Broncos, Detroit Lions, Drew Brees, Foxboro, Gerbils, Gillette Stadium, Green Bay Packers, Houston Texans, Indianapolis Colts, J.J. Watt, Jacksonville Jaguars, Jason Garrett, Jerry Jones, Joe Flacco, John Skelton, Kansas City Chiefs, Ken Wisenhunt, Mark Sanchez, Matt Ryan, Miami Dolphins, Minnesota Vikings, Native Americans, New England Patriots, New Orleans Saints, New York Giants, New York Jets, NFC East, NFC North, NFC South, NFC West, NFC Wild Card, Norv Turner, Oakland Raiders, Our Bitch, Philadelphia Eagles, Pittsburgh Steelers, Robert Griffin III, Ron Rivera, Russell Wilson, Ryan Fitzpatrick, San Diego Chargers, San Francisco 49ers, Sean Payton, Seattle Seahawks, St. Louis Rams, Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Tennessee Titans, The Sucking Black Hole Of Evil, Tom Brady, Tony Romo, Washington Redskins

Moves Like Curtis: Fireman Ed Has Had Enough Of The Paper Planes’ [Fans'] S*** (Week 13)

Dec. 02 All, Articles, Features, Moves Like Curtis, NFL, Sports 1 comment

So my continued sense of shame carries through to this week with the quitting of Fireman Ed.

Fireman Ed was the guy who, every Jets game, would get on his brother’s shoulder and lead the fans in the ‘J-E-T-S-Jets-Jets-Jets’ chant. He did this for years, and was pretty much Gang Green’s unofficial mascot. He was such a familiar figure in the stands that he’s one of the Super Fans enshrined at Canton.

(Yeah, that’s right. The Football Hall of Fame has a wing devoted to Super Fans, and Fireman Ed is in it. Deal with it.)

Anyway, this past weekend, in the wake of the horrific loss to The Sucking Black Hole of Evil, Fireman Ed announced he was walking away from his position effective immediately. It wasn’t this awful and frustrating season that spurred him to walk away; it was the behavior of the fans. Apparently, according to Ed, this season–the first season he swapped out his old jersey for a Mark Sanchez one–he was frequently confronted by fans under the belief that he was an employee of the Jets seeking to argue with him and pick fights. These knuckleheads, not having access to, let’s say, Rex Ryan or Sanchez, frequently blamed him for the struggles of the team–and let’s not get started with the Football Jebus Supporters, who apparently chose not to emulate their hero’s behavior (as much as I can’t stand Tebow as a player, I will admit that he’s a humble and pleasant man) and harassed Ed because Sanchez remained the starter.

And to add insult to injury, his announcement was met with derision amongst fans in the internet.

Look, people–Fireman Ed’s quitting was important because Football is a game of traditions, and The Super-Fan is a major tradition. Fireman Ed is as important to the mystique of the Jets as Bird Man is to the Eagles, Arrow Man is to the Chiefs, The Black Hole is to the Raiders, The Dawg Pound is to the Browns…well, you get the idea. The reason he made his quitting public is because his presence at every game was important, and his leading the cheer is part of the iconography of the Jets. This week, the first week he won’t be around (he’ll still be at the game, just not in his signature seat) to do so will be sad for me.

Oh, I’m sure there will be someone else who’ll rush in to stand for The Jets–that ‘Captain Jet’ character I see in the stands is a prime example–but we lost a part of our tradition, and it’s because of the fans.

Shame on you, New York Jets fans. Shame on you.

Before we begin, you’ll notice the grid has changed a bit. Since we’re now in the Playoff Hunt of the season, I’ll be adding the potential Seeds for teams that may qualify. This information is taken from NFL.com. Keep in mind, not everyone that could be a Wild Card is mentioned, as there are some teams (and I’m looking at you, Paper Planes) who mathematically could make the playoffs but really are nowhere in that hunt.

And since we’re no longer doing Bye Weeks, I’ve Added a ‘Firing Train Itinerary’ so you can see which coaches are getting ready to ride off into the sunset.

On to the games…

Firing Train Itinerary

Andy Reid, Norv Turner, Ken Wisenhunt, Chan Gailey, Ron Rivera

Sunday Games, 1:00 p.m.

Seahawks (6-5, lost v. Dolphins, 6th Seed NFC West ) vs. Bears (8-3, won v. Vikings, 3rd Seed NFC North)

This is going to be a tough little game. Pete Carroll’s Seahawks has surprised a lot of people, especially considering how their choice of Russell Wilson as their starting quarterback has resulted in their invincibility at home. No one expected them to be good, let alone contending for a Wild Card spot.

Of course, the upshot of this is that this team needs this game badly to retain their position or, even better, nudge the 49ers out of first place (this isn’t so far-fetched a concept, given San Fran’s tie game). They’re going to need to play super-hard in a hostile environment, trying to punch holes in an extremely tough, extremely experienced defense. And I think ultimately it will be the whole Soldier Field factor that will lead to a Seahawks loss by a possession or less.

Texans (10-1, won v. Lions, 1st Seed AFC South) vs. Titans (4-7, lost v. Gerbils, Potential AFC Wild Card)

This is an easy game to pick–after all, we are talking about the Texans, which features one of the most elite running backs, one of the most elite wide receivers, a kick-ass quarterback and the human rejection machine that is J.J. Watt. And the Titans…don’t. Expect Houston to go all David on this Goliath, winning by two to three possessions.

The Sucking Black Hole Of Evil (8-3, won v. Paper Planes, 3rd Seed AFC East) vs. Dolphins (5-6, won v. Seahawks, Potential AFC Wild Card)

This, however, is not such an easy game. The Dolphins are a much better team than we expected, and the Sucking Black Hole of Evil is not as good as their record indicates. Sure, the Sinister Sweatshirt, his Crybaby Quarterback and pretty much are guaranteed the AFC East Title…but they have been beatable by teams they should have lost against; it’s one of the reasons they’re back to running up scores again. I think Miami may be able to exploit the weaknesses in the defense of The Sucking Black Hole, and might be able to pull out a win by a possession or less.

Gerbils (2-9, won v. Titans) vs. Our Bitch (4-7, lost v. Colts)

And talk about Not An Easy Game To Call…the Gerbils are simply a much different team under Chad Henne. Unlike Gabbert, who always looks like he’s lost at sea, Henne has game smarts that were blunted when he was in Miami by the ministrations of The Repeater Tony Sporano. He’s potentially a good game manager, and it doesn’t hurt that he’s got both of the Gerbils’ wide receiver threats, and the team just picked up Jason Babin from the floundering Eagles. Even with being sacked seven times, Henne led the team to a victory against the Titans, who are better than they are.

So imagine how they’ll drub Our Bitch, who is just as bad–if not worse–than the Titans. Henne can certainly out-think Ryan Fitzpatrick, and the anemic offense will get themselves slammed by a team that’s suddenly found their balls. I figure the Gerbils to spank Our Bitch by about a possession and a half in an ugly, ugly game. And if they continue to behave like, you know, an actual football club, I may give them their original nickname back.

49ers (8-2-1, won v. Saints, 2nd Seed NFC West) vs. Rams (4-6-1, won v. Cardinals)

And so the great tie-ers meet again. No matter how you look at St. Louis’ team, you have to give the Rams credit–they gave San Francisco the one game that will give them fits when the playoff seeding comes. And this time the 49ers are coming to the Ram’s home ground, which means there’s going to be a lot of noise they’ll have to deal with. It’s going to end up being a tough game, with lots of lead changes…but I suspect that San Fran, still hurting from that tie that was handed to them, is going to eventually pull out the win by a possession or less.

Colts (7-4, won v. Our Bitch, Potential AFC Wild Card) vs. Lions (4-7, lost v. Texans)

I really had a lot of hope for Detroit, but it looks like they will be on the outside looking in. No matter how hard they try, it doesn’t look they’re going to repeat their entry into the playoffs. And now they’re going up against the team no one expected to be this good, as Indianapolis is re-energized thanks to Andrew Luck’s skill and leadership. And because it’s Indy, another dome team, their potential home field advantage is nullified. I expect that Indianapolis will end up winning by a possession and a half.

Vikings (6-5, lost v. Bears, Potential NFC Wild Card) vs. Packers (7-4, lost v. Giants, Potential NFC Wild Card)

This game could very well dictate which NFC North team becomes a Wild Card. Minnesota has been surprisingly good, even if Christian Ponder has been regressing in the last few weeks. And the Packers have been sputtering a bit, losing their games where they shouldn’t have. Green Bay is going to stumble a bit, especially given how banged up they are. This will be another close game. Expect a couple of lead changes–albeit very brief ones. But in the grand scheme of things, I think Adrian Peterson will be able to punch through the Pack’s D-line, resulting in a win by a possession or less.

Panthers (3-8, won v. Eagles) vs. Chiefs (1-10, lost v. Broncos)

Oh, boy…imagine you’re Cam Newton. Imagine you just beat the stuffings out of the Eagles. What do you think could be the perfect palette cleanser that would build up your confidence and keep you from making weird Hello, Kitty references?

If you said going to visit Kansas City so you could beat down the Chiefs, give yourself a point.

This is not a contest. Expect the Panthers to roar once more, and maybe pull Ron Rivera off the platform where the Firing Train is going to arrive. I expect Carolina to win by a possession and a half.

Cardinals (4-7, lost v. Rams) vs. Paper Planes (4-7, lost v. The Sucking Black Hole Of Evil)

The Cardinals are terrible. So are the Paper Planes. The Cardinals have Larry Fitzgerald, but no one who can accurately pass to him. The Paper Planes don’t have a single offensive weapon worth a damn. The Cardinals have a swiss cheese offense. The Paper Planes also have a swiss cheese offense, but it’s a baby swiss, so there’s smaller holes.

I am going to let my fanaticism fly and say the Paper Planes will pull another one of those massive wins out of their ass, convincing people they’re back on track until they lose miserably to the Chargers in about three weeks. Expect Coach Ryan to do cartwheels as they take it by two possessions or more.

Sunday Games, 4:30 p.m

Buccaneers (6-5, lost v. Falcons, Potential AFC Wild Card) vs. Broncos (8-3, won v. Chiefs, 4th Seed AFC West)

This is a closer match-up than it may seem on paper–remember, the Bucs are in a division with both the Falcons and the Saints, while the Broncos are the only team worth a damn in their division. And the Bucs have a really strong defense, which might be what plays in their favor. If they can bend-not-break, keeping Fetus Head Manning out of the end zone enough times, Tampa Bay will win…and I think it’s a greater than average possibility. Give it to the Bucs by a possession.

Steelers (6-5, lost v. Browns, Potential AFC Wild Card) vs. Ravens (9-2, won v. Chargers, 2nd Seed AFC North)

And so the honored rivalry begins again…and I don’t see anything changing this time around. The Ravens are just too good a match for a Big Ben-less, injured Pittsburgh. The Purple and Black will knock the Wild Card hopes right out of the Steelers mouth by two possessions.

Bengals (6-5, won v. Raiders, Potential AFC Wild Card) vs. Chargers (4-7, lost v. Ravens, Potential AFC Wild Card)

Believe it or not, Norv ‘Good Enough For Government Work’ Turner might find himself saved from a ride on the Firing Train if he can get San Diego to the playoffs. Granted, it doesn’t look likely, but knocking off another potential Wild Card in Cincinnati could do the trick–but for that to happen, Norv has to prevent the Bengals from getting into Philip Rivers’ head. The Chargers’ biggest weakness is their quarterback–get him rattled, and the offense falls apart. And I think the Tigers can hurry up and hit Rivers enough times early on to make San Diego fall apart, resulting in a win by about a possession and a half.

Browns (3-8, won v. Steelers) vs. Raiders (3-8, lost v. Bengals)

As much as I want to pull for Oakland here, the Browns are simply the better 3-8 team. They simply play harder, which is why they beat the Steelers. They will find a way to overcome the Raiders’ attack and triumph by less than a possession.

Sunday Game 8:30 p.m.

Eagles (3-8, lost v. Panthers) vs. Cowboys (5-6, lost v. Native Americans, Potential NFC Wild Card)

Here, Dallas…have a free win!

What’s going on in Philadelphia has the weird, horrific fascination of a ten car pile-up. The reign of Reid is all but over, and no amount of firing coaches and trading away problematic defensemen is going to stop that. There’s a strong chance the Eagles will not win another game between now and the end of the season, and that just makes Dallas all the happier while they dogfight for the right to be an NFC Wild Card. Dallas may be in the best position to get that Wild Card if there is one in the NFC East, and smacking around Philly goes a long way towards that goal. Expect the ‘Boys to win by two possession or more.

Monday Game 8:30 p.m.

Giants (7-4, won v. Packers, 4th Seed NFC East) vs. Native Americans (5-6, won v. Cowboys, Potential NFC Wild Card)

As you know, the Giants seem to have this talent for getting really, really hot in December. And even though the Native Americans are pretty strong right now, they still are going to fold before Big Blue. It’ll be a close game, but the Giants will pull ahead by a possession.

Thursday Night Game (Week 14) 8:20 p.m.

Broncos v. Raiders

Hey, look–it’s too teams that just don’t like each other much, the West Coast Equivalent of the Paper Planes and the Sucking Black Hole! I can’t think that the Raiders, who are totally lost in this Post-Al era, could possibly win this. For that matter, I can’t think that the Raiders will win much with Spaghetti Arm Palmer behind center. Fetus Head and company should blow the Black and Silver out by two and a half possessions easily.

See you next week.

Tags: Adrian Peterson, AFC East, AFC North, AFC South, AFC West, AFC Wild Card, Al Davis, Andre Johnson, Andrew Luck, Andy Reid, Arian Foster, Arizona Cardinals, ArrowMan, Atlanta Falcons, Baltimore Ravens, Ben Roethlisberger, Bill Belichick, Birdman, Blaine Gabbert, Buffalo Bills, Cam Newton, Canton, Captain Jet, Carolina Panthers, Carson "Spaghetti Arm' Palmer, Carson Palmer, Cecil Shorts III, Chad Henne, Chan Gailey, Chicago Bears, Christian Ponder, Cincinnati Bengals, Cleveland Browns, Dallas Cowboys, Denver Broncos, Detroit Lions, Ed Anzalone, Fireman Ed, Football Jebus, Gerbils, Green Bay Packers, Hello Kitty, Houston Texans, Indianapolis Colts, J.J. Watt, Jacksonville Jaguars, Jason Babin, Justin Blackmon, Kansas City Chiefs, Ken Wisenhunt, Larry Fitzgerald, Mark Sanchez, Matt Schaub, Miami Dolphins, Minnesota Vikings, New England Patriots, New Orleans Saints, New York Giants, New York Jets, NFC East, NFC North, NFC West, NFC Wild Card, NFL Hall of Fame, Norv Turner, Oakland Raiders, Ohio, Our Bitch, Paper Planes, Pete Carroll, Peyton Manning, Philadelphia Eagles, Philip Rivers, Pittsburgh Steelers, Pro Football Hall Of Fame, Rex Ryan, Ron Rivera, Russell Wilson, Ryan Fitzpatrick, San Diego Chargers, San Francisco 49ers, Seattle Seahawks, St. Louis Rams, Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Tennessee Titans, The Black Hole, The Dawg Pound, The Sucking Black Hole Of Evil, Tim Tebow, Tom Brady, Tony Sporano, Washington Redskins

Moves Like Curtis: Can The Indestructible Man Defeat The Browns? (Week 12)

Nov. 25 All, Articles, Features, Moves Like Curtis, NFL, Sports 3 comments

I’m sorry this is late, and that many of these entries are short. That awful performance the Paper Planes has sucked the fanaticism for football out of me temporarily.

Two things:

1) I am still looking for examples of Pre-Game Shows for the individual teams in the NFL, those weekly half hour interviews-and-features programs that supposedly gets the fans all riled up for that week’s game.

2) I am looking for super-fans for each of the other 30 (i.e. not the Paper Planes or Raiders, as I’m sure Kelen will fill the later slot). What I want to do is interview you about what your team may need for the 2013 season for a series of column after the season is over. Please contact me through TricycleOffense.com if you’re interested in participating, or if you have an example of those pre-game shows to share with me.

On to the games…

Sunday Games, 1:00 p.m.

Our Bitch (4-6, won v. Dolphins) vs. Colts (6-4, lost v. The Sucking Black Hole of Loserness)

The Colts are good. Our Bitch are bad. Andrew Luck knows how to manage a game. Ryan Fitzpatrick does not. This may be a close game–Our Bitch may even have a lead for a while–but Indianapolis will take it by a possession.

Seahawks (6-4, Bye Week) vs. Dolphins (4-6, lost v. Our Bitch)

The Seahawks are proving plenty tough…maybe tougher than Miami is. And don’t get me wrong–Miami is plenty tough. I think all things being said, Seattle needs this game more to get itself within striking range of the NFC West Title–remember, San Fran, that ties count as loses–and will win by less than a possession.

Falcons (9-1, won v. Cardinals) vs. Buccaneers (6-4, won v. Panthers)

This is probably going to be a much closer game that it may seem on paper. Greg Schiano has managed to get Tampa Bay some momentum while also becoming one of the most contemptible coaches in the league. The Bucs will give Atlanta fits for a while…but then expect the Falcons defense to stiffen and Matt Ryan to start connecting with his receivers again…and again…and again…leading to a win by about two possessions.

Raiders (3-7, lost v. Saints) vs. Bengals (5-5, won v. Chiefs)

This is a winnable game for the Raiders–after all, Cincinnati has degraded a bit this year, and has struggled to get to 5-5. That being said…this is the Post-Al Raiders headed by Carson ‘Spaghetti Arm’ Palmer. Under Palmer, Oakland loses games they should win. A lot. So I expect the Bengals to rise above .500 by knocking the Raiders around. I call this by about a possession and a half.

Steelers (6-4, lost v. Ravens) vs. Browns (2-8, lost v. Cowboys)

So we’re now down to the third string quarterback here in Pittsburgh, but what a third-stringer. Charlie ‘The Indestructible Man’ Batch will win the Steelers games. He’ll win the Steelers multiple games. It’s one of the reasons why Pittsburgh is one of the most consistent, effective organizations in the League. He will be able to manage the Steelers–even a Steelers team that’s banged up, broken and having last minute replacements–so well that it’ll be like there’s no problems.

And as I’ve said multiple times, Cleveland is not the pushover their record seems to indicate. They’re hard fighting and effective at scoring–look at how Dallas barely survived their tilt with them last week. And this game, where Pittsburgh is staggered and bleeding, provides a perfect opportunity to show that they’re here in the mix for good. There’s a very good chance that the Browns can sneak out a last minute win…and given that they need this game more as a statement, and Cleveland is one of the youngest teams in the league, I’ll give them the win by about a possession or less.

Titans (4-6, Bye Week) vs. Gerbils (1-9, lost v. Texans)

The Gerbils almost impressed me last week–almost, before they once more proved they are who we thought they were, namely the ass-suckingest worst football club ever on the face of this planet right now. On the other hand, the Titans are rested, they showed signs of life before their bye week, and they might get a jolt from Jake Locker returning.

Of course, there’s one wild card here–Chad Henne, who was impressive when he first emerged as the Dolphins starter under Tony ‘The Repeater’ Sporano. Sadly, The Repeater ultimately undermined his own QB by, well repeating the same play over and over again until Miami became the most predictable team on Earth. Henne may actually give them the spark that Blane Gabbert never did, and his game play might take Tennessee by surprise…so to my surprise, I’m going to call this for the Gerbils by about a possession and a half, and predict that there might be a surge of game-winning-ness by Jacksonville before, well, they prove they are who we thought they were.

Broncos (7-3, won v. Chargers) vs. Chiefs (1-9, lost v. Bengals)

The Broncos have finally meshed with Peyton The Fetus Head to become an effective team that might slide easily into the AFC West Title…and part of the reason for that is that they’re playing the Chiefs and the Raiders and the Chargers. This is no contest, especially given the porousness of Kansas City’s defense. Expect a biiiiiiig win by Denver by about three possessions.

Vikings (6-4, Bye Week) vs. Bears (7-3, lost v. 49ers)

The Vikings are refreshed, and Adrian Peterson is still a beast (Christian Ponder not so much, but all things in time)….and the Bears are wobbling, losing two games in a row and suffering from some key injuries. While I’m sure Jason Campbell can win you a game, he hasn’t been doing so now. While I’m willing to bet that this would improve if Kid Nastyman is cleared to play, I can’t see the Bears overcoming the balanced Minnesota game, leading to the Vikes winning by a possession and change.

Sunday Games, 4:30 p.m

Ravens (8-2, won v. Steelers) vs. Chargers (4-6, lost v. Broncos)

Here comes the firing train, this time stopping off in San Diego for Norv ‘Good Enough For Government Work’ Turner! Turner has always been a little wobbly as Charger head coach, but this season, which is all but lost at this time, is bound to lead to some heads rolling. If he wants to prevent his head leading the pack, Turner needs to win this game….

Which he won’t, because the Marlboro Man is capable of laying some serious points on anemic defenses. Even with the Ravens’ banged up defenses, they’ll most likely get a couple of sacks on Philip Rivers–and, as you know, when Rivers gets rattled, the Chargers lose games.

They’ll be losing this one, as the Ravens fly high over their opponent by two possessions.

49ers (7-2-1, won v. Bears) vs. Saints (5-5, won v. Raiders)

Chinks have been showing in the 49ers armor of late, especially when it comes to that embarrassing tie game with the Rams. On the other hand, the Saints have gotten their momentum back and are gaining even more with each passing week. This is the New Orleans team we all expected to see before the whole scandal went down. The big obstacle that might be in the Saints’ way is Colin Kaepernick. As good as Harbaugh’s unit is under Alex Smith, they may be better under Kaepernick. The back-up gives the team a degree of unpredictability that might be just the edge the 49ers need to pull this win out. And the reason why Harbaugh is waffling about announcing his starter might be because of this. I suspect that this wildness will end up giving San Fran its eighth win by a possession or less.

Rams (3-6-1, lost v. Paper Planes) vs. Cardinals (4-6, lost v. Falcons)

Don’t think we haven’t forgotten that stop the firing train has at Phoenix…and judging from the way Ken Wisenhunt behaved last week, he’s welcoming the chance to get on. The Cardinals are a thorough mess, and it’ll be a miracle if they even get within a mile of the playoffs this time. This makes them an excellent confidence booster for St. Louis, still smarting from being beaten by the Paper Planes. Expect the Rams to clip Arizona’s wings by a good two possessions.

Sunday Game 8:30 p.m.

Packers (7-3, won vs. Lions) vs. Giants (6-4, Bye Week)

Do you hear that ticking noise in the background? That’s the Giants’ internal clock signifying the beginning of Playoff Hunting Time. And when Big Blue is Playoff Hunting, they suddenly become an entirely different team. I can’t think that this team wants this season, potentially the last one before Coach Coughlin retires, to spiral out of control into a shame shower. And given the Packer’s rather shaky play this season, it’s easy to go with New York by a possession and a half.

Monday Game 8:30 p.m.

Panthers (2-8, lost v. Buccs) v. Eagles (3-7, lost v. Native Americans)

Congratulations, Cam Newton–you get a real easy win this week, as the words of Coach Reid get drowned out by the firing train! The Iggles are thoroughly decimated, and I can’t see them getting any more traction. That last minute defensive coordinator change has been for naught, and even Andy seems desperate to get on that train and share a beer with Ken Wisenhunt, or maybe arrange to swap jobs with Norv Turner. Philadelphia, thanks to poor management and even poorer play, have become the unthinkable–a team that’s worse than Carolina. Expect Newton to do that stupid Superman thing about four times as the Panthers pull away by two possessions.

Thursday Night Games (Week Thirteen) 8:20 p.m.

Saints v. Falcons

This could be tough, and could go either way. But I think Atlanta is going to take this one to retain control of the number one seed by a possession.

See you next week.

Tags: Adrian Peterson, AFC West, Al Davis, Alex Smith, Andrew Luck, Andy Reid, Arizona Cardinals, Atlanta Falcons, Baltimore Ravens, Blaine Gabbert, Buffalo Bills, Cam Newton, Carolina Panthers, Carson "Spaghetti Arm' Palmer, Carson Palmer, Chad Henne, Charlie 'The Indestructible Man' Batch, Charlie Batch, Chicago Bears, Christian Ponder, Cincinnati Bengals, Cleveland Browns, Colin Kaepernick, Dallas Cowboys, Denver Broncos, Detroit Lions, Green Bay Packers, Greg Schiano, Houston Texans, Indianapolis Colts, Jacksonville Jaguars, Jake Locker, Jason Campbell, Jay Cutler, Jim Harbaugh, Joe Flacco, Kansas City Chiefs, Ken Wisenhunt, Matt Ryan, Miami Dolphins, Minnesota Vikings, New England Patriots, New Orleans Saints, New York Giants, New York Jets, NFC West, Norv Turner, Oakland Raiders, Our Bitch, Paper Planes, Peyton Manning, Philadelphia Eagles, Philip Rivers, Pittsburgh Steelers, Ryan Fitzpatrick, San Diego Chargers, San Francisco 49ers, Seattle Seahawks, St. Louis Rams, Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Tennessee Titans, The Sucking Black Hole Of Loserness, Tom Coughlin, Tony Sporano, Washington Redskins

Moves Like Curtis: Down Goes The Big Ol’ Georgia Dragon? (Week 10)

Nov. 11 All, Articles, Features, Moves Like Curtis, NFL, Sports 3 comments

I know, I know…this is late, and there’s no intro. I’m sorry…

Let’s get right to it.

Bye, Bye, Bye

Browns, Packers, Native Americans, Cardinals

Sunday Games, 1:00 p.m.

Chargers (4-4, won v. Chiefs) vs. Buccaneers (4-4, won v. Raiders)

Both of these teams are coming off of nice and easy, ego-boosting wins. The Chargers probably need this game more, as it’s still conceivable that they could seize this very soft division. However, both could make the playoffs if the chips fall right. Given how tough Tampa Bay’s defense could be–we are talking about the team that almost beat down the Giants earlier this season–they could prove to be a difficult match-up for San Diego, especially given how easy it can be to rattle Philip Rivers. This may be the key. I’m going to go with the Bucs by a possession and a half.

Titans (3-6, lost v. Bears) vs. Dolphins (4-4, lost v. Colts)

The Titans are just wretched. If it wasn’t for Matt Hasselbeck, I could easily see Tennessee being 1-8 like fellow AFC South bottom feeders the Gerbils. Hell, if it wasn’t for Hasselbeck, there would be no hope in Music City.

On the other hand…the Dolphins continue to move in the right direction, even with the loss to Indianapolis last week. I would not be surprised if Miami manages to steal a win away from the ailing Sucking Black Hole of Evil in their two tilts in the coming weeks. They’re well coached, they’re exciting to watch, and their tendency to switch up defensive looks really puts opponents back on their heels. This is a terribly lopsided contest, so expect Miami to net the win by two possessions.

Our Bitch (3-5, lost v. Texans) vs. The Sucking Black Hole of Evil (5-3, Bye Week)

You know, as wretched as Our Bitch is, they have a history of giving The Sucking Black Hole of Evil a black eye. Of course, usually those games were ones where people like Drew Bledsoe was their quarterback and not Ryan Fitzpatrick, who is a goof. As much as I am hoping for one of these massive, jaw-dropping upsets, I cannot think that this is going to be a massacre, and the Sucking Black Hole advances one more step toward their inevitable AFC East Division Championship by three or more possessions.

Raiders (3-5, lost v. Bucs) vs. Ravens (6-2, won v. Browns)

You know what’s interesting? The Ravens are now what the Raiders used to be–a slightly disreputable team that still seems to bust up their opponents and reach the playoffs through a very nasty defense. Of course, the problem now is that Oakland has become a total mess where every time there seems to be some hope that they’ll dig themselves out of the Culture of Losing, the team gets blown up yet again by the front office, and Baltimore…isn’t. Maybe there’s a lesson to be learned here.

I can’t possibly see the Raiders taking this, unless the Marlboro Man and The Wall O’ Pain that is the Ravens Defense decides to underplay thanks to Oakland’s surprise decimation of the Steelers. As with the usual way with this iteration of the Silver and Black, expect there to be some brief moments where it looks like Carson Palmer will pull off a win, only to let things get away from him and the Ravens snatching victory by two possessions.

Broncos (5-2, won v. Bengals) vs. Panthers (2-6, won v. Native Americans)

So Cam Newton managed to win one–and even better, won one against the team headed by the man who may be a better example of the kind of quarterback he’s supposed to be, Robert Griffin III. This might hopefully save Cam from going down the Vince Young Road we thought he was going down…emphasis on might.

(Oh, and Warren Moon? I love and respect you, man, but I wasn’t comparing Newton to Young because they’re both black, but because they seem to be unnaturally emotionally sensitive, okay? If Cam came out a decade or so ago, I’d be comparing him to Ryan Leaf.)

And you know what else might save Newton from burning out and becoming a footnote in the history of the NFL? Snatching a victory away from Peyton Manning. The Broncos are at the top of the AFC West, but that may very well because they’re playing, ummm, the AFC West. Manning has been playing well, but he’s not the overpowering engine of scoring he used to be. The Broncos are beatable, and they could be beaten by the Panthers provided they get their stuff together. And because I’m pulling for Newton to become less incoherent rambler and more a decent football player, I’m going to say Carolina can pull it off. It’s going to be a high scoring game, with lots of lead changes…but I’m going to give victory to Carolina by a possession or less.

Giants (6-3, lost v. Steelers) vs. Bengals (3-5, lost v. Broncos)

The Giants are doing their usual thing, stumbling a bit as they hit the midseason, losing just enough games for New Yorkers to start grumbling about Coach Coughlin to be fired…just so they can set up the big run in the last leg and slide easily into the playoffs. And, as such, there might be some expectations that Cincinnati might pull off a victory here. This will be their big shock loss to a team they shouldn’t lose against.

But I don’t think so. As much as I admire Football Spock, the Bengals have regressed quite a bit this season. They’re in danger of not even being considered for playoffs, and may result in the end of the Marvin Lewis era. Even with all the shaky play from Eli Manning and his receiver corps, I cannot see Big Blue not being the top dog in this fight. Figure they will do another of those insane come-from-behind rallies to get the win by a possession and a half.

Lions (4-4, won v. Gerbils) vs. Vikings (5-4, lost v. Seahawks)

I wonder if the Lions have managed to get back on track too late…after all, while they weren’t looking, Minnesota has pulled it together and become a serious threat to take the NFC North. Hell, given Green Bay’s struggles, this may be the best chance the Vikes have had for a while, sliding into a Wild Card behind Chicago. It’s only a question of keeping up the momentum they’ve had for the first half on to the end.

And while the Lions may have lost their first match-up with the Vikes, they have won three of their last four games and they can also make the playoffs. But to do this, they must win this game and rise above .500. Plus, just as the Lions won their last two games, the Vikes have dropped their last two games to respectable teams. I’m going to keep pulling for Detroit and say, after a knock down, drag out battle, they’ll win after a possession.

Falcons (8-0, won v. Cowboys) vs. Saints (3-5, won v. Eagles)

This is the worst possible time for the Falcons to be running into the Saints. New Orleans is finding its footing, and is desperate to re-establish itself as an elite group. And on paper, a finally alive and awake Saints should give any team nightmares and the Dirty Birds rolling in right now might look like a holiday feast for Drew Brees and company…

…because one of the great secrets is how the longer a streak like this goes on, the harder the loss will be. And I can’t help thinking that Atlanta might underprepare for this match-up, assuming their usual arch-enemies are the easy pickings of their last meeting and not the more super-charged group that carved up the Eagles last week. I’m calling for New Orleans–who are playing in their home in front of some of the most raucous, supportive fans in the division, have won three of their last four, and who absolutely need this game to see the playoffs–to be the one to slay the big ol’ Georgia Dragon by two possessions.

Sunday Games 4:30 p.m.

Paper Planes (3-5, Bye Week) vs. Seahawks (5-4, won v.Vikings)

And so my personal pain continues…

To my surprise, the Paper Planes could make the playoffs given their strength of schedule and the overall weakness of the second-tier AFC teams. But my beloved team has so many problems in so many areas that I cannot see them winning enough games to raise them over the .500 mark; by my estimation, the Planes can only win three, maybe four games in this final half of this season. And I’m dreading the massacre as Woody Johnson will end up firing, trading or releasing a number of people–including Mark Sanchez, on whose shoulders this poor performance will be laid upon, and whose fault this is not.

And this tour of torment begins with a trip to Seattle, a place where the Planes have never done well. Hell, you can consider the last time the ‘Hawks met us was when Brett ‘The Penis Mailer’ Farve began to give up on us so he could get released and jump ship to the Vikings. And that was a truly crappy Seattle team…this one is all fired up thanks to Pete Carroll’s coaching style and is actually going toe-to-toe with San Francisco for the NFC West. This is going to be a lop-sided, ugly game with Russell Wilson (who apparently was on the Planes’ radar this past draft day) trampling all over us and leading the Seahawks to win and win big by three possessions.

Cowboys (3-5, lost v. Falcons) vs. Eagles (3-5, lost v. Saints)

And on the flip side, the Cowboys must be licking their lips in anticipation of their tilt with the Eagles.

Philadelphia is in such disarray between the underperforming of its on-field personnel, the firing of team personnel and the reintroduction of a particularly hot seat under Andy Reid’s ass that the future is in doubt. We might be finally witnessing the end of the Reid era the Eagles have been teasing for the last few seasons. It will take a while to pull the team back together, and I sincerely doubt that the Eagles can function reliably this week…which means they’re excellent distraction fodder for an almost-as-in-disarray Dallas. When all is said and done, the ‘Boys are in better condition at this moment than the Eagles, and they should win by about a possession and a half.

Rams (3-5, Bye Week) vs. 49ers (6-2, Bye Week)

Okay…on paper the 49ers should roll right over the Rams. St. Louis looks outmatched on every level…except one.

Jeff Fisher.

Fisher may be working with terrible pieces, but he’s making the best of them, and that makes the Rams a dangerous opponent. This could lead to a big upset that will cause all the sports media world to mewl like fat happy babies. Add into the fact that Fisher has had an extra week to go all mad scientist on the 49ers, and I suspect this might be a big shock to the world, as St. Louis might squeak out a victory by less than a possession.

Sunday Game 8:30 p.m.

Texans (7-1, won v. Our Bitch) vs. Bears (7-1, won v. Titans)

Ooooooh…think of all the match-ups here. Matt Schaub versus Kid Nastyman. J. J. Watt trying to punch a hole through Chicago’s O-Line. Arian Foster trying to break free of the dreaded Bears defense. The possibilities for this to be the best game of the week are so tantalizing, that it’s no surprise that this is the marquee game.

Of course, someone has to lose this match-up, and someone has to go 7-2 at the end of the night. I have to think that Houston will be the victor. Wade Phillips’ defensive schemes are tougher than the Bears’ offense and, even though it will be a possession or less–hell, it wouldn’t surprise me if the winning point is scored by a single OT field goal–it’ll leave both team beat up more than a fight between two Brooklyn girls over the same guy at a backyard barbecue.

Monday Game 8:30 p.m.

Chiefs (1-7, lost v. Chargers) vs. Steelers (5-3, won v. Giants)

And, as is the tradition, the Monday Night game will be as sucky in direct proportion to how awesome the Sunday Night game is. The Chiefs are dreadful, and are simply incapable of scoring against a strong defense–even a badly banged up one like Pittsburgh. Now granted, Kansas City does fall under that weird ‘Crappy Teams Are Our Kryptonite’ aspect of Pittsburgh’s season, but I like to think that the last few wins have allowed Tomlin’s schemes to course-correct. There is no way the Black and Yellow will allow themselves to be beaten up by the coughing, sputtering, varsity-like shell of a team that is the Chiefs. Expect a two possession or more win for the Steelers.

Thursday Night Game (Week Eleven) 8:20 p.m.

Dolphins v. Our Bitch

Even this far into the future, I can see the horrors that are about to befall Ryan Fitzpatrick and his crew. The chameleon-like, quick defense of Miami will shut down what little offense the Bills will muster, resulting in a possession to two possession win.

See you next week.

Tags: AFC East, AFC South, AFC West, Andy Dalton, Andy Reid, Arian Foster, Arizona Cardinals, Atlanta Falcons, Baltimore Ravens, Brett Favre, Buffalo Bills, Carolina Panthers, Carson Palmer, Chicago Bears, Cincinnati Bengals, Cleveland Browns, Dallas Cowboys, Denver Broncos, Detroit Lions, Drew Bledsoe, Drew Brees, Eli Manning, Green Bay Packers, Houston Texans, Indianapolis Colts, J.J. Watt, Jacksonville Jaguars, Jay Cutler, Jeff Fisher, Joe Flacco, Kansas City Chiefs, Mark Sanchez, Marvin Lewis, Matt Hasselbeck, Matt Schaub, Miami Dolphins, Mike Tomlin, Minnesota Vikings, New England Patriots, New Orleans Saints, New York Giants, New York Jets, NFC North, NFC West, NFC Wild Card, Oakland Raiders, Pete Carroll, Peyton Manning, Philadelphia Eagles, Philip Rivers, Pittsburgh Steelers, Robert Griffin III, Russell Wilson, Ryan Fitzpatrick, San Diego Chargers, San Francisco 49ers, Seattle Seahawks, St. Louis Rams, Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Tennessee Titans, Tom Coughlin, Vince Young, Wade Phillips, Warren Moon, Washington Redskins, Woody Johnson

Moves Like Curtis: I Fly Like Paper, Get High Like Planes (Week 9)

Nov. 03 All, Articles, DVD, Entertainment, Features, Moves Like Curtis, Movies, NFL, Sports, TV 4 comments

Gather around, lil’ football fans. It’s time for Unca Tom to take away some teams’ nicknames!

As everyone who has been following MlC so far knows, I am a firm believer in taking away a team’s nickname for acting like idiots. And this week we see two teams being punished thusly, starting with my favorite team of all, being stripped for the second time this season.

It was actually pretty fascinating last Sunday, watching the end of a career. As much as I hate to admit it, Mark Sanchez is done. I can’t see him being back next year, nor can I see him finish out this season. And take a timid QB, a porous o-line, some awful receivers and one of the worst running backs in the league, and what do you get? A team that’s not going to get to .500. I can only see three wins in their future, maybe five depending on whether the Rams and the Cardinals manage to correct themselves. There’s going to be a bloodbath in New Jersey come January, and the only thing I can promise is that the person who deserves to go, GM Mike Tannenbaum, will be staying. And since they managed to find a way to disappoint me even more than that loss versus the 49ers did, I’m going to bust them down even further than last time. They’re not the Jets, they’re not the Biplanes…they’re the Paper Planes.

And then there’s the Jaguars, who seem to be playing like they don’t even want to win. The main difference between Jacksonville and Carolina is that Carolina seems motivated; the Panthers’ big problem is that there’s a serious disconnect between the needs of the team and the needs of the QB. The Jags…they just don’t care. They allow themselves themselves to be rolled over on again and again, and even the one weapon they could rely on, Maurice Jones-Drew, is out of commission. This is a team that isn’t a threat to anyone…thus, I demote them from the fearsome Jaguars to the inoffensive Gerbils.

Now that that’s over, let’s get this party started.

Bye, Bye, Bye

The Sucking Black Hole of Evil, Paper Planes, Rams, 49ers

Sunday Games, 1:00 p.m.

Cardinals (4-4, lost v. 49ers) vs. Packers (5-3, won v. Gerbils)

Okay, after a strong beginning, the Cardinals are beginning to fall apart. And all signs are pointing for the Football Team with Two Heads to continue a decline that may see them fighting for last place in the NFC West with the Rams (not that I think that’s going to be a bad thing; this may very well be the first division where the last place team will have a better record than some teams in third place in other divisions).

On the other hand, after a rocky start, the Packers have gained ground and momentum. They’re suddenly playing like the team we expected them to, with a stingy defense and a powerful offense. Now granted, the Packers have been reclaiming its swagger with some wins against some crappy teams–and a really big win against a previously unbeaten one. I think they’re so up to speed that they should handily slap Arizona down fairly quickly. Expect Green Bay to win by about two and a half possessions.

Lions (3-4, won v. Seahawks) vs. Gerbils (1-6, lost v. Packers)

So the Lions have taken two Giant Steps back this year, showing all the world that last year’s behavior has become a fluke. While I still think Matthew Stafford is the guy to lead this team, with both tangible and intangible qualities that make him a good-to-great field general, they’re just not performing. Granted, I think they’ll maybe crack 8-8–a lot better than Detroit has done prior to last year–but they’re still going to be stuck in last place in the NFC North division.

But don’t worry, o City of Detroit….you’re about to reach .500 because it’s time for you to stomp on some Gerbils. Jacksonville has to pretty much accept the fact that they’re the whipping boys of the NFL, and that they’re sadder than such notorious stinky teams as the Raiders and the Browns…and when you’re stinkier than the Browns, you need help. The Lions will eat these Gerbils alive, racking up an impressive win by about three possessions and the Gerbils…well, they have some brochures for London and Los Angeles to show you.

Bears (6-1, won v. Panthers) vs. Titans (3-5, lost v. Colts)

And now, in Mismatched Football Fight Night, we have Kid Nastyman’s crew mixing it up with a team who…well, should be grateful for that Replacement Ref Plague early this season, or else I’d be renaming them, I don’t know, the Midgets. The Titans should also be grateful that they’re in the same division as the Gerbils as well, incidentally. Yeah, I’ll admit that they play better when Matt Hasselback is under center because Hasselback is a great quarterback on the declining side of the bell curve, but other than that they’ve got nothing. The only way Tennessee to hope for a close game (or even a win) is for Kid Nastyman to have one of those brain hemoraging bad games he seems to have once or twice a year. But if Chicago isn’t heading that way, then they will dominate and the Titans will be defeated by two or more possessions easily.

Broncos (4-3, won v. Saints) vs. Bengals (3-4, Bye Week)

The Bengals should be playing better than they are. Andy Dalton is a good field general, the addition of BenJarvus Green-Ellis sounded like a great move, and their receiving corps is averaging fifteen yards a carry. And yet they’re still losing more than winning. Now hopefully Marvin Lewis will have spent the Bye Week adjusting things that optimize everyone’s performance…but right now Cincinnati are on the lower half of the mediocre scale.

But that Bye Week might lead to the Bengals winning over Peyton ‘Fetus Head’ Manning and the Broncos. Like The Sucking Black Hole of Evil, Denver might actually win the AFC East not because they’re exceptional, but because they’re the best team in a very, very soft (you know, like a Fetus Head) division. And getting in might be all they need, given that the Broncos will then be able to take advantage of Fetus Head’s skills in the post season to navigate those weeks well. But it doesn’t mask the fact that Denver is just a better than average team. I can hear the creaking metal of a trap game–expect the Bengals to reach .500 by pulling a win by a possession or less in the last quarter.

Panthers (1-6, lost v. Bears) vs. Native Americans (3-5, lost v. Steelers)

Now here’s a contrast between two quarterbacks at the start of their career. Both Cam Newton and Robert Griffith III are incredibly gifted with a potentially massive destiny ahead of them. The major difference is that Robert Griffith seems concerned with his team as a whole whereas Cam Newton seems concerned with…being Cam Newton. That’s why, while both teams have losing records, the Panthers are pretty much hopeless while there’s an outside chance that Washington can contend for a Wild Card.

That being said, this is a much more evenly matched game. The Native Americans need this game to stay competitive in the NFC East, and the Panthers need this game to…well, prevent from being a total laughing stock as opposed to just a laughing stock (you’re stuck being a laughing stock, Carolina–you made Ryan Kalil look subtle with that newspaper advertisement guaranteeing a Super Bowl). All things being said, I’m going with the Native Americans because they’re playing better, they’re coached better and they’re more competitive even in the games they lose. But it’ll be close–a possession to a possession and a half–and it can still potentially go either way.

Ravens (5-2, Bye Week) vs. Browns (2-6, won v. Chargers)

This looks like a really, really bad match-up. The Ravens are head and shoulders above the Browns, and even without The Human Wall that is Ray Lewis, they should win.

But dammit, I can’t get away from my respect for the Browns. They are playing loads better than they have a right to, and even when they were sucking, blowing and stinking, they have that uncanny talent for trap gaming much better teams…and imagine how much more efficient those traps are with Trent Richardson running it down opponent’s throats.

Do I think that the Marlboro Man and the Ravens are the better team? Absolutely. Do I think that Baltimore will slide into the playoffs easily? Sure. But do I think that right now is a bad time for a game like this? Totally. Expect Cleveland to pull off a win by a field goal or less.

Dolphins (4-3, won v. Paper Planes) vs. Colts (4-3, won v. Titans)

I think the Dolphins have got something here with this ever-changing defense, switching up looks constantly and keeping people way off guard. For almost the entire game last week they pinned the Paper Planes down like a schoolyard bully and spit right in their collective faces (yes, I just made a Flatliners reference. Deal with it.). And we were reminded that Miami has something we don’t–namely, a back-up quaterback in Matt Moore that is as good, if not better, than Ryan Tannehill. No matter who shows up to start, it’s a cinch that Miami will have a dogfight with the Colts…and I’m pretty positive than when the dust clears, Miami will be the victor in overtime by a possession.

Our Bitch (3-4, Bye Week) vs. Texans (6-1, Bye Week)

*snort*

Really?

You really want me to tell you what you already know.

Look, The Texans are hardcore, and they’re well-rested. Our Bitch are…well, just well-rested. Houston will spank these little boys in a heroic win by over three possessions. And I’ll just laugh and laugh and laugh until I remember Our Bitch has the same exact record as my team.

And then I’ll cry.

Sunday Games 4:30 p.m.

Vikings (5-3, lost v. Buccs) vs. Seahawks (4-4, lost vs. Lions)

The Vikings really are the surprise of the season, aren’t they? Everyone thought they’d be last place in the NFC North, and now they’ll be in the playoff hunt–and they might even beat the Packers–the Packers–for a wild card. And the Seahawks have also proven to be better than we expected, and are definitely competitive with the 49er’s. This is an even match-up, and I think what will tilt things toward the Seahawks two fold. Christian Ponder has been regressing, and if there’s one thing I know about these days it’s promising quarterbacks who regress. Also, this game is being played in Seattle, an outdoor stadium that is brutal and has a great fan base. The combination of Minnesota’s underplaying and Seattle’s homefield advantage will result in a Seahawks win by two possessions or less.

Buccaneers (3-4, won v. Vikings) vs. Raiders (3-4, won v. Chiefs)

I’ve gotten into the habit of choosing Oakland to make Kelen Conley feel better about being a Raiders fan, but I can’t quite do that here. The Bucs are a slightly better team who play real hard and are in the game until the bitter final seconds. and their own status as a warm weather team should negate the advantage the Black Hole might give the Silver and Black. Plus you’ve got Carson Palmer, who can get rattled if you brush up against him lightly. Tampa Bay should win the game by a possession or more.

Steelers (4-3, won v. Native Americans) vs. Giants (6-2, won v. Cowboys)

Oh, this is going to be tough. Two exceptional teams with exceptionally tough defenses, masterfully field generaled, and well coached. Sure, the Steelers are banged up and have that uncanny habit of losing to really, really crappy teams…but they’re still formidable. And the Giants are one of the elite of the elite. Expect a low scoring, high defensive duel with the strong possibility of a score in the single digits, or no more than thirty points in total. I do think that maybe the Giants are due for another bad game, but this isn’t it. New York takes the win by a possession or less.

Sunday Game 8:30 p.m.

Cowboys (3-4, lost v. Giants) vs. Falcons (7-0, won v. Eagles)

The Falcons will lose a game this season…but sadly, the Cowboys are not going to be the team to hand them that loss. This is a team in turmoil that might be taken apart in the offseason (and might result in Tony Romo finding a home in this very city), and I don’t know if they can withstand a team that has taken apart much more cohesive units. Expect Dallas to fall to Atlanta by about a possession and a half.

Monday Game 8:30 p.m.

Eagles (3-4, lost v. Falcons) vs. Saints (2-5, lost v. Broncos)

Philadelphia is a mess right now…and luckily for them, so are the Saints. The Saints are probably going to want it more to get their momentum back, and they have the home field advantage of the Superdome. It could go either way if the Eagles are telling the truth about their intention to start Michael Vick, but I’m willing to bet that the Saints do win by a possession or less.

Thursday Night Game (Week Ten) 8:20 p.m.

Colts v. Gerbils

Andrew Luck is good. Indianapolis plays well. The Gerbils are none of these things. The Colts will pull ahead early and protect their two possession lead easily in a dull little game…

See you next week!

Tags: AFC East, Andrew Luck, Andy Dalton, Arizona Cardinals, Atlanta Falcons, Baltimore Ravens, BenJarvus Green-Ellis, Buffalo Bills, Cam Newton, Carolina Panthers, Carson Palmer, CenturyLink Field, Chicago Bears, Christian Ponder, Cincinnati Bengals, Cleveland Browns, Dallas Cowboys, Denver Broncos, Detroit Lions, Flatliners, Green Bay Packers, Houston Texans, Indianapolis Colts, Jacksonville Jaguars, Jay Cutler, Joe Flacco, Kansas City Chiefs, Mark Sanchez, Marvin Lewis, Matt Hasselbeck, Matt Moore, Matthew Stafford, Maurice Jones-Drew, Mercedes-Benz Superdome, Miami Dolphins, Michael Vick, Mike Tannenbaum, Minnesota Vikings, New England Patriots, New Orleans Saints, New York Giants, New York Jets, NFC East, NFC North, NFC West, NFC Wild Card, Oakland Raiders, Peyton Manning, Philadelphia Eagles, Pittsburgh Steelers, Ray Lewis, replacement referees, Robert Griffin III, Ryan Kalil, Ryan Tannehill, San Diego Chargers, San Francisco 49ers, Seattle Seahawks, St. Louis Rams, Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Tennessee Titans, Tony Romo, Trent Richardson, Washington Redskins

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Tag: NFC West

Moves Like Curtis: You Mad, Bro? (Week 16)

Moves Like Curtis: Junk Games and Playoff Positioning (Week 15)

Moves Like Curtis: Russell Wilson is Unbeatable at Home in his Ugly Uniform (Week 14)

Moves Like Curtis: Fireman Ed Has Had Enough Of The Paper Planes’ [Fans'] S*** (Week 13)

Moves Like Curtis: Can The Indestructible Man Defeat The Browns? (Week 12)

Moves Like Curtis: Down Goes The Big Ol’ Georgia Dragon? (Week 10)

Moves Like Curtis: I Fly Like Paper, Get High Like Planes (Week 9)

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