Tag: Andy Dalton

Moves Like Curtis: Wild Card Weekend 2013!

Jan. 05 All, Articles, Features, Moves Like Curtis, NFL, Sports 1 comment

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Well, here we are–playoff time!

We begin with the Wild Card round, featuring a number of teams no one expected to make it this far.

Since there will only be four games, I decided to add a little extra at the end, with a discussion of which teams each of the Bye-Round teams does and does not want to see next week.

…and just another reminder–I’m still looking for fans who are willing to sit down with me and discuss your favorite team and what they have to do to get better for 2013.  I’ve got fans ready to talk about the Packers, the Cowboys, the Raiders, the Falcons, and the Seahawks (And needless to say, but I don’t need anyone fort he Paper Planes).  If you’re a nut for any of the other teams, let me know through either this site or my Facebook page.

So let’s get to it, then!

The Games!

Bengals vs. Texans (Saturday, 4:30 p.m.)

This is the second year in a row where Cincinnati has faced Houston.  If you recall correctly, the Texans beat the stuffings out of Football Spock and his crew, and did so with back-up quarterback T.J. Yates.  If anything, the Texans are a better team than they were in 2012.  As great as Yates was, Schaub is better.  The defense has gotten stouter, and J.J. Watt is even more of an insanely talented tackler and ball hawk.  I can’t see this not being a repeat of last year’s tilt, with Houston winning by about two possessions.

Vikings vs. Packers (Saturday 8:00 p.m.)

The only ‘ooops, we’re playing each other a third time?’ game, this features one of four legitimate surprise teams this weekend.  Even with the amazing Adrian Peterson–and make no bones about it, Peterson has been going above and beyond in carrying this team on his back–no one expected to see Minnesota in the playoffs.  Hell, even without the Bears doing the flame-out that cost Lovie Smith his job, the Vikes deserve to be in Wild Card Weekend.

And if ever there was a time when they could shock the world, it’s now.  The Packers have been frustratingly inconsistent all season, losing games they should have won and shaving things way too close.  If Minnesota can establish Peterson early on, they should win this game after a long, grueling back-and-forth tug of war by about a possession.

Colts vs. Ravens (Sunday 1 p.m.)

And here’s maybe the single most unlikely of the surprise teams, the Colts.  Andrew Luck has been everything Jim Irsay has been saying and more.  He may be still raw, but he’s got all the qualities a quarterback needs.  And Indianapolis has a good offense and defense built around their Chosen One.  This is a team that, as structured, will be a perennial playoff teams for years to come.

And much like the Vikings above, they’ve got the Ravens at the best possible time.  The Ravens limped into the playoffs thanks to winning games against teams–like the Steelers–who ended up underperforming due to injuries.  But Baltimore’s defense not only lost its most valuable player in Ray Lewis, it’s seen its other big pieces all banged up to Hell.  There are holes in there–very small holes–that the Colts can exploit.  Plus we’ve got the Marlboro Man’s performance degrading (oddly enough, at about the same time he shaved off that goofy fu-manchu ‘stache…a connection?).  That doesn’t mean that the Ravens can’t win; if Ray Rice can get his run on, that’ll stretch the field enough for the Ravens to pass all over the Colts secondary.  This game can go either way, but I’ll call it for the Ravens–they’ve been here before, they tend to play tougher in the playoffs, and they can exploit Luck’s inexperience.

Seahawks vs. Native Americans (Sunday 4:30 p.m.)

I admit it–I’m arguably looking forward to this game the most of the four.  This is a meet-up between the other two surprise films.  I have been rather taken with the Seahawks and their ugly-ass uniforms.  Pete Carroll really has put something together here, with a tough secondary (but not as tough as one possessed by a certain group of Paper Planes; sorry, Paul) and an amazing find in Russell Wilson.  Wilson is maybe even more of a great find than Luck, a man who managed to keep the team undefeated at home.

And then there’s Washington.  After that disastrous season where Shanahan couldn’t decide who was his quarterback, he seems to have found the solution in RG3.  As with every Shanahan team, the Native Americans’ run game is strong, and they’re kicking all sorts of ass.  However, I have to stick with my contention that a running QB will never win a championship–there’s a certain massive collision in Mr. Griffin’s future if he tries to run for it, and that’ll be the end of it.  When all is said and done, I trust Wilson and the Seahawks’ defense more than RG3 and Washington’s offense, resulting in a Seattle win by about a possession and a half.

The Guys Sitting This Week Out

The Sucking Black Hole Of Evil

Who They Don’t Want To See Next Week: The Ravens

If it wasn’t for a few unfortunate mistakes at the last minute, it would be Baltimore hoisting the Lombardi Trophy last year.  The Ravens know how to hurry up the Crybaby Quarterback and shatter his confidence.  Trust me, they do not want a post-season rubber match with this team.

Who They Do Want To See Next Week: The Colts

The Sucking Black Hole can easily exploit the inexperience of a new configuration of their old foes, resulting in one of those astronomically high scores that will fool everyone into thinking that New England is the Greatest Team EEEEeeeeevah.

The Broncos

Who They Don’t Want To See Next Week: The Texans

If it wasn’t for that last minute slip-up in Week 17, Houston would be where they are…plus Fetus Head will have to stare down a defense that knows how to decimate him utterly, and has had lots of experience dealing with him when he was a Colt.

Who They Do Want To See Next Week: The Bengals

Just as with the Colts above, the Bengals’ relative inexperience can be easily exploited by Fetus Head’s adaptive mind.

The 49ers

Who They Don’t Want To See Next Week: The Seahawks

Seattle knows San Francisco too well, and they have enough of a knowledge of their home field that it might eliminate the one advantage they might have.  Add in that muscular secondary, and we’ve got a group that could bust up San Fran’s Super Bowl dreams.

Who They Do Want To See Next Week: The Packers

Precisely because Green Bay is so shaky, I can see Colin Kaepernick going insane on the banged up Pack.

The Falcons

Who They Don’t Want To See Next Week: The Vikings

I think as good as Atlanta is at being a game winner, the idea of facing The Vikes must give them fits, especially given how adaptable their offense seems to have been throughout the season.

Who They Do Want To See Next Week: The Native Americans

The simple fact is that whatever the results of the Seattle/Washington tilt will result in a winner who is messed up.  And I can see Matty Ice, Julio Jones and the group exploiting that messed-up-edness with Washington.

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Moves Like Curtis: Epilepsy Can Ruin Division Titles (Week 17)

Dec. 30 All, Articles, Features, Moves Like Curtis, NFL, Sports 2 comments

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And with this, Rivalry Weekend, the 2012 campaign is over for almost everyone.

As with the last few seasons, this final weekend sees teams playing their division rivals.  Supposedly this was started by Roger Goodell to encourage viewers to, you know, care about what sometimes amounts to a slew of junk games.  And this season we’ve got…what amounts to a bunch of junk game, as the majority of the playoff slots are filled and teams are entering this Sunday with one eye on their tee time this Monday.  Those who still have a hope of sliding into the playoffs are facing a very, very narrow window to sneak through indeed.

Before we begin, I want to once again remind everyone I’m looking for knowledgeable superfans to talk to me about what their teams need to improve for 2013.  Contact me through TricycleOffense.com.

That out of the way, let’s get to it…

Sunday Games, 1:00 p.m.

Buccaneers (6-9, lost v. Rams) vs. Falcons (13-2, won v. Lions, 1st Seed NFC South)

This is pretty much a junk game if it wasn’t for Tampa Bay being one of those teams that played, thanks to Greg Schiano, tougher than their record indicated.  There’s no way for the Bucs to play spoiler, as Atlanta has the 1st Seed locked in, but there’s always pride.  Given that Schiano is a bit of a, ummmm, hard coach not above doing some low things (remember that kneel down surge in their game versus the Giants?), I can almost see the Bucs trying some pretty desperate schemes so they can exit the season on a high note.

Doesn’t mean they’ll win, though.  Expect Atlanta to win by a possession and a half.

Paper Planes (6-9, lost v. Chargers) vs. Our Bitch (5-10, lost v. Dolphins)

And speaking of ending the season on a high note…grumblemutter…

Given their terrible season, there’s going to be some shake-ups on both ends.  It looks like Buffalo’s coach is gone, and The Repeater will be driven out of New Jersey on a rail.  There’s nothing to play for here–not even pride, as that left these teams a long time ago.

When all is said and done, there’s a reason why I call Buffalo ‘Our Bitch.’  Expect the Paper Planes to soar into a one possession or less victory.

Ravens (10-5, won v. Giants, 4th Seed AFC North) vs. Bengals (9-6, won v. Steelers, Projected 6th Seed Wild Card)

The only thing that can be decided here is Cincinnati’s Wild Card position.  And given how Football Spock and his crew have been surging, and the way the Bengals seem to be able to smack around the AFC North fellows at will, expect Da Tigers to win by a possession.

Browns (5-10, lost v. Broncos) vs. Steelers (7-8, lost v. Bengals)

I still hold a lot of affection for what has developed in Cleveland.  Even though it seemed like a joke that the Browns were going to go with over-aged rookie Brandon Weeden and unproven running back Trent Richardson, both have proven more than up to the task, and have helped the team surprise everyone by playing tough and garnering a bigger record than anyone expected.

…and I was going to call the game for them, because they’ve got the Steelers at a time when they’ve very beatable.  The always injury-prone Ben Roethlisberger seems to have had trouble bouncing back from his latest trip to the doctor and their defense is so banged up they’re actually porous.  A Cleveland Browns team as configured could easily beat Pittsburgh if they were healthy.  So I guess it’s lucky for Mike Tomlin that both Weeden and Richardson are out for this game.  Expect the Steelers to squeak by in a painful to watch game by a field goal or less.

Bears (9-6, won v. Cardinals, Potential NFC Wild Card) vs. Lions (4-11, lost v. Falcons)

And here are the dregs of the NFC North.  And don’t get me wrong–even though the Bears were on top of creation for a brief period this season, they squandered this lead away with shaky offensive play.  And the Lions have just regressed thoroughly this season, seeming to play more like the national joke they were and not the playoff team they showed they could be last year.  I think that Chicago will barely win over the Lions by about a possession and a half.

Gerbils (2-13, lost v. Sucking Black Hole Of Evil) vs. Titans (5-10, lost v. Packers)

Oh, Lord…talk about junk games.  This is a pointless little match-up which will decide nothing except which AFC South team will suck the least.  And the toughest thing about choosing a winner here is that since Chad Henne has been starting for the Gerbils, their QB play is about even.  I suspect that by the sheer dint that the Titans have all their mediocre offensive weapons while the Gerbils don’t, Tennessee will take this ugly game by a possession or less.

Eagles (4-11, lost v. Native Americans) vs. Giants (8-7, lost v. Ravens, Potential NFC Wild Card)

Much like the Bears/Lions tilt, this is a game between the dregs of the NFC East.  The Eagles are just a total mess, and it saddens me that this awful team will be the final moments of Andy Reid’s formidable CV.  And the Giants managed to piss away their division championship by playing as if they’re suffering from epilepsy.  The only reason–the only reason–the Giants are going to win this game by a possession or less is simply because they’re more organized than the Eagles.

Panthers (6-9, won v. Raiders) vs. Saints (7-8, won v. Cowboys)

This is a lot tougher to call then you’d think.  Carolina has been surging in this last handful of games, and that’s built a confidence that made them on par with this year’s bloody, limping but unbowed Saints team.  I think that the Panthers’ confidence combined with their Ric Flair desire to ‘beat the man to be the man’ might actually put them over New Orleans by less than a possession.

Texans (12-3, lot v. Vikings, 1st Seed AFC South) vs. Colts (10-5, won v. Chiefs, Projected 6th Seed Wild Card)

Who knew at the beginning of this season that Andrew Luck would lead his team into the playoffs–well, besides the Polians?  The Colts have had some natural luck come their way, but the bulk of the responsibility for this success is just really great ball play.  It almost seems cruel that their last regular season appearance is against the nigh unstoppable Texans….especially given that The Texans have something to play for.  If they don’t win, after all, Houston potentially loses their first-round bye and their home-field advantage throughout the playoffs.  I suspect that the superior Houston defense (which features one of my favorite non-Paper Planes players, J.J. ‘The J is For Juggernaut’ Watt) will step up and prevent Luck from doing his thing, allowing Matt Schaub and Co. to run up a two possession or more victory.

Sunday Games, 4:30 p.m.

Packers (11-4, won v. Titans, 2nd Seed NFC North) vs. Vikings (9-6, won v. Texans, Projected 6th Seed)

This is one of the better potential games this week, because both teams have something to play for.  The Packers get a first round bye if they win, and the Vikings–another team like the Colts that a lot was not expected–gets a Wild Card if they win.  So I expect a very hard fought three hours, with a couple of lead changes.  In the end, I expect Adrian Peterson will carry this team on his back to slip past the Pack by a possession or less.

Rams (7-7-1, won v. Bucs) vs. Seahawks (10-5, won v. 49ers, Projected 5th Seed)

I could give you a whole lot of reasoning, but the two facts that matter are this:

1) Seattle needs this game to remain a playoff team and
2) Seattle never loses with Russell Wilson under center on their home field.

So the Seahawks will win, assuring us the sight of those ugly-ass jerseys for at least another week.  It’s as simple as that.  I anticipate a possession and a half differential.

Dolphins (7-8, won v. Our Bitch) vs. The Sucking Black Hole Of Evil (11-4, won v. Gerbils, 3rd Seed AFC East)

I think we can all safely say that every other team in the AFC East hates The Sucking Black Hole with a passion.  And when all the other teams have had substandard, losing seasons, nothing pleases those teams more than the chance to deny The Sucking Black Hole something they want….which is why you should expect the Dolphins to pull out all stops in doing what they can to beat the crap out of New England and, through a loss, deny them a chance for a first round bye.  And as we’ve seen in past seasons, Miami knows how to give their most hated foes fits. So expect a Dolphins win by a possession, New England to have to play in a Wild Card game, the Crybaby Quarterback to make that stupid pouty-puss face on the sidelines, the Sinister Sweatshirt to disappear, and me jumping up and down for joy.

Chiefs (2-13, lost v. Colts) vs. Broncos (12-3, won v. Browns, 2nd Seed AFC West)

A lot of the scenarios for other teams in the AFC playoffs requires a Denver loss.

They’re playing the Chiefs.

That isn’t going to happen.  Expect Fetus Head Peyton Manning to still be scoring touchdowns late Monday morning on Kansas City.  From his home.

Raiders (4-11, lost v. Panthers) vs. Chargers (6-9, won v. Paper Planes)

Do I really have to speak on this game?  I don’t care how San Diego might be crowing over their win last week–they suck.  So do the Raiders.  There’s no reason to watch this game, even if you are a fan of either the Raiders or the Chargers.  I am going to give it to Oakland because they’re putting Spaghetti Arm on the bench, and because I want Kelen to have something to cheer about this dismal week.

Cardinals (5-10, lost v. Bears) vs. 49ers (10-4-1. lost v. Vikings, 3rd Seed NFC West)

Dear NFL Schedulers,

Thank you for giving us Arizona for our last game this season, as you’ve assured us we’ll be in the playoffs for the second straight year.

Your fans, the 49ers.

Sunday Game 8:30 p.m.

Cowboys (8-7, lost v. Saints, Potential NFC Wild Card) vs. Native Americans (9-6, won v. Eagles, 4th Seed NFC East)

And here’s the other game with serious implications.  Namely, if you win, you’re in.  Not only are you in, you win the NFC East.  I think that when all is said and done, Washington has been playing tougher than the shaky ‘Boys, which means that they will enter the postseason to flame out on Wild Card Weekend by roughly a possession and a half.

See you for Wild Card Weekend!

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Moves Like Curtis: You Mad, Bro? (Week 16)

Dec. 23 All, Articles, Features, Moves Like Curtis, NFL, Sports 3 comments

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You’ll notice there’s no Monday Night Game.  That’s because some years ago some church-type people got all bent out of shape because the NFL dared put football games on Christmas Eve…so we’re getting Monday off.

So let’s get to it, then…

Saturday Game, 8:30 p.m.

Falcons (12-2, won v. Giants, 1st Seed NFC South) vs. Lions (4-10, lost v. Cardinals)

The Falcons are gaining momentum–and given that they were pretty nasty to begin with, gaining momentum is akin to a tiger waking up to find another tiger strapped to its back.  There is a good chance that Atlanta is unstoppable going into the playoffs (once they’re in the playoffs is another thing altogether, but we’ll get to that once we hit Wildcard weekend).  And given that the Football Gods have decided to throw Detroit’s suffering Lions to them for a week sixteen opponent, Matt Stafford and company don’t stand a chance.  Expect a lop-sided, painful to watch win, with Atlanta going over the Lions by three possessions or more.

Sunday Games, 1:00 p.m.

Titans (5-9, won v. Paper Planes) vs. Packers (10-4, won v. Bears, 3rd Seed NFC North)

There was a span of, oh, about twenty minutes where I thought Tennessee might actually be about to make something of themselves.  Jake Locker’s performance seems to have shaped up into a dead cat bounce, and the Titans are back to being suck monsters.  Hell, if it wasn’t for the fact that The Paper Planes are striving really hard to be even bigger Suck Monsters, they would have lost on Monday night.  They’re just not very good, what with a porous defense and a quarterback who simply doesn’t have anything in the neighborhood of an arm.

Which is why they will prove to be the perfect tune-up for Green Bay.  The Pack has been unsteady all season, but they seem to be stable.  The only thing that worries me about them is their uncanny habit of losing to teams they really shouldn’t have, and losing badly.  Still, even with all the shakiness in their game, Green Bay should easily trample Tennessee by a possession and a half.

Vikings (8-6, won v. Rams, Potential NFC Wild Card) vs. Texans (12-2, won v. Colts,1st Seed AFC South)

As bad as Christian Ponder is–and he has regressed in this second half of the season almost as badly as Mark Sanchez–it’s to Minnesota’s credit that they’ve continued to move forward, grinding out enough wins to still be a legitimate playoff team this late in the game.  The only thing that’s keeping the Vikes out of a Wild Card slot is the rubbery play of the receiving corps.

And given that the Texans are still One Of The Best In The Business, and J.J. Watt is probably smacking his lips in anticipation of sacking Ponder, like, a billion times, Minnesota will end up being a one dimensional team….and one dimensional teams is dessert for Houston.  Expect a Texans win by one to two possessions.

Rams (6-7-1, lost v. Vikings, Potential NFC Wild Card) vs. Buccaneers (6-8, lost v. Saints)

And here we’ve got two teams going in different directions.  To my surprise, St. Louis has been playing each game tough, and even though they’re still not great, they’re good enough to be a player in the postseason race.  And Tampa Bay started out strong but has been slipping, almost as if they’re willfully trying to knock themselves out of playoff contention.  The offense is pretty evenly matched (although I still think Josh Freeman is a better QB than Sam Bradford)…but I think the defense of the Rams, combined with Jeff Fisher’s play calling, is what is going to lead St. Louis to a narrow, one possession victory.

Native Americans (8-6, won v. Browns, 4th Seed NFC East) vs. Eagles (4-10, lost v. Bengals)

This is going to be painful.  The Native Americans have found themselves in the position to win a division championship, and they need to fight hard to keep that position….

…except that they’ve got the wreck where the Eagles once stood.  Philadelphia is way beyond hopeless, even with the slight signs of life they’ve shown in recent games.  I doubt that the Eagles will reach double digits in this game no matter who’s under center.  Expect Washington to beat Philly like the team collectively owns them money, with a win by over two possessions.

Saints (6-8, won v. Native Americans) vs. Cowboys (8-6, won v. Steelers, Potential NFC Wild Card)

And speaking of people who stumbled into playoff positioning….meet the Cowboys, who may very well have saved Jason Garrett’s job by beating Pittsburgh and crawling into a potential Wild Card berth.  Of course, no one by die-hard ‘Boys fans (Hi, Zach!) know how unsteady Dallas truly is.  This is not a solid team by a long shot, and that unsteadiness is what is going to foul up their dreams thanks to the surging Saints.  After all, there’s nothing quite as dangerous as a team with nothing to lose, except a team with nothing to lose that has Drew Brees under center.  Expect one of those games with lots of lead changes, resulting in New Orleans winning by less than a possession.

Chargers (5-9, lost v. Panthers) vs. Paper Planes (6-8, lost v. Titans)

sigh…

I know you all have been waiting for my rant on what happened on Monday, but trust me–it’s too long and too foul-mouthed for me to post it here.  Let’s agree to reconvene after the Super Bowl and I’ll outline exactly why this team was screwed from early this summer.

(And let me once again state that I’m still looking for super-fans who would like to discuss their teams’ needs for 2013.  Please contact me through TricycleOffense.com.)

The Chargers are wretched, and thankfully we’ve got Greg McElroy starting.  I think the unfamiliarity of McElroy may result in a dead cat bounce that will give the Paper Planes a false sense of competency and a win by less than one possession.

Raiders (4-10, won v. Chiefs) vs. Panthers (5-9, won v. Chargers)

Congratulations, Raiders!  You come off a confidence building win against the Chiefs only to walk into the buzzsaw of a newly confident Panthers team.  Hopefully Carolina will leave enough pieces left to put you back together after their two possession win.

Our Bitch (5-9, lost v. Seahawks) vs. Dolphins (6-8, won v. Gerbils, Potential AFC Wild Card)

You know what’s going to really suck?  Having the Dolphins solidify their Wild Card chances by smacking Buffalo around for three hours.  Miami should win by about a possession and a half.

Bengals (8-6, won v. Eagles, Potential AFC Wild Card) vs. Steelers (7-7, lost v. Cowboys, Potential AFC Wild Card)

Another game that can kill a team’s hope.  If Football Spock and his crew can triumph over the Steelers, they effectively kick Pittsburgh out of the hunt.  And given how really shaky the Black N’ Gold have been–something we should be used to whenever Ben Roethlisberger gets hurt–it seems like it’s a distinct possibility.  Expect Cincinnati to pull ahead late in the 2nd Quarter to win by less than a possession.

The Sucking Black Hole of Loserness (10-4, lost v. 49ers, 2nd Seed AFC East) vs. Gerbils (2-12, lost v. Dolphins)

Oh, you stupid, stupid Sucking Black Holes might feel all smug, knowing you’re going to the playoffs…but you do know deep in your dark, dark hole of a heart that you’re going to fold badly once the postseason begins, right?  Hell, San Francisco felt so sorry for you they let you back in the game, and you still couldn’t win, could you?  You mad, bro?  You mad?

Boy, you should be grateful you got the Gerbils and the Dolphins to play these last two weeks.  You can do that stanky ‘running up the score’ trick you do on people to convince them you’re the Best Eeeever going into the playoffs…but we know better, don’t we bro?

Enjoy this bajillion possession win against one of the worst teams in the NFL…because I’ll be laughing when you fall hard come the playoffs.

Colts (9-5, lost v. Texans, Potential AFC Wildcard) vs. Chiefs (2-12, lost v. Raiders)

The Colts are not going to win this because the Chiefs are wretchedly bad.  The Colts are going to win by a possession because they’re genuinely good.

Sunday Games, 4:30 p.m

Browns (5-9, lost v. Native Americans) vs. Broncos (11-3, won v. Ravens, 2nd Seed AFC West)

Don’t let their record fool you–the Browns have been good, winning four games out of the last six, and giving legitimately better teams fit even when they lose.  Cleveland may very well be the team to watch in 2013, a team that might actually make serious noise–hell, may even make the playoffs for the first time in, like, centuries.

And even though they’re going to lose to the Broncos. they’ll make it a hard-fought game.  Expect Denver to squeak by with a less than possession win.

Giants (8-6, lost v. Falcons, Potential NFC Wild Card) vs. Ravens (9-5, lost v. Broncos, 4th Seed AFC North)

And here we have two teams struggling to stay in the postseason.  The Ravens have had their defense tore up, while the Giants have seen their offense go off the rails in the last few weeks.  However, the Ravens’ offense has been…shaky of late, which makes me wonder if they can overcome Big Blue’s still effective defense.  Add in that New York has something to prove after their disastrous tilt versus Atlanta, and I think the Giants might pull this out by a narrow margin of a possession or less.

Bears (8-6, lost v. Packers, Potential NFC Wild Card) vs. Cardinals (5-9, won v. Lions)

The Bears, after a strong showing this season, seem to have fallen apart.  Maybe the tension that has always been a part of the organization due to Kid Nastyman’s attitude has finally expressed itself on the field, but Chicago is suddenly beatable…and with the Cardinals finally coming off the snide, there’s a real strong chance that Arizona will beat them.  Expect the Cards to somehow keep in the game and sneak past a win by less than a possession.

Sunday Game 8:30 p.m.

49ers (10-3-1, won v. The Sucking Black Hole of Loserness, 2nd Seed NFC West) vs. Seahawks (9-5, won v. Our Bitch, Potential NFC Wild Card)

There’s a reason this game is the marquee game for the week–this game literally decides the fate of both teams.  If the 49ers drop this one, they end up tying with the ‘Hawks, and may very well lose out to Seattle due to the tiebreakers.  That means San Fran falls to a Wild Card slot while Seattle slides into a 2nd Seed–which is entirely to their advantage, as the team is unbeatable this season.  And given that the game is being played in Seattle, I am pretty confident in calling it for the Seahawks by a possession and a half.

See you for Rivalry Weekend!

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Moves Like Curtis: Russell Wilson is Unbeatable at Home in his Ugly Uniform (Week 14)

Dec. 09 All, Articles, Features, Moves Like Curtis, NFL, Sports 3 comments

As we get deeper into this last bit of season, there are changes to the positions in the playoff hunt have been pretty surprising…so let’s get to the games right away.

(And I’m still looking for super-fans for teams other than the Paper Planes, the Cowboys, the Raiders, and the Steelers for a series of articles post-season about what each NFL team needs to do to improve for the 2013 season.  Please contact me through the site.)

Firing Train Itinerary

Andy Reid, Norv Turner, Ken Wisenhunt, Chan Gailey, Ron Rivera, Jason Garrett (pending the free agency of  Sean Payton)

Sunday Games, 1:00 p.m.

Ravens (9-3, lost v. Steelers, 3rd Seed AFC North) vs. Native Americans (6-6, won v. Giants,  Potential NFC Wild Card/NFC East Title)

The Ravens are solid, if shaky.  The Native Americans are very solid in their way–thanks to some judicious drafting, Coach Shanahan has fashioned a team that has upset what was believed to be a sure thing, namely a Giants Division Title.  Washington has become a major contender, at the very least a spoiler and at the most a definite contender for a division title.  And given that Baltimore has been a little shaky offensively and banged up defensively…which makes them ripe for a loss that will consolidate the NA’s position.  Now granted, I still believe Joe Flacco is a really good quarterback, and has the edge in experience over RG III…but the Ravens’ vaunted d-line is punched through enough for Washington to run all over them.  Expect the Crimson and Gold to triumph narrowly by a possession or less.

Cowboys (6-6, won v. Eagles, Potential NFC Wild Card/NFC East Title) vs. Bengals (7-5, won v. Chargers, Potential AFC Wild Card)

I hope Jerry Jones called up Dan Snyder and thanked him for what Washington did for dem Cowboys.  Thanks to that upset on Sunday night, Dallas has gone from being on the verge of becoming inconsequential to a major contender.  This is what the ‘Boys desperately needed, and now the pressure is on Tony Romo and company to build on their opportunity…

And what stands in their way?  Football Spock and the Tigers….and that may be a bad thing all ’round.  Cincinnati also has benefited from the actions of one of their peers; the Steelers’ rout of the Ravens has effectively made it possible for them to snatch the AFC North title from Baltimore.  And quite frankly, the Bengals have been getting better with every week, whereas the Cowboys have been consistently inconsistent.  So I’m thinking Cincy will win by a possession and a half at most.

Rams (5-6-1, won v. 49ers) vs. Our Bitch (5-7, won v. Gerbils, Potential AFC Wild Card)

While the Rams have been doing better than anyone expected, they’re still not a good team.  And, to my utter surprise, Our Bitch is still solidly in the playoff hunt thanks to this weird parity the lesser AFC East teams seem to share.  Of course, the major difference is that the Rams have played well enough to give formidable teams like San Francisco fits, while Buffalo…has not.  While it’s true that C.J. Spiller has been stepping up, fulfilling the promise he had when Our Bitch drafted him, I have no faith in Ryan Fitzpatrick as a quarterback.  And even though the cold will be a factor, given that St. Louis is a dome team, I still expect the Rams to win by roughly a possession.

Eagles (3-9, lost v. Cowboys) vs. Buccaneers (6-6, lost v. Broncos, Potential NFC Wild Card)

There is no help for Andy Reid; Philadelphia has finally self-destructed, a slow, painful process that has taken over a season to complete.  This team is thoroughly lost, and–as I think I’ve mentioned before–I do not think they can win another game.  These next four matches are a simple gift for the Eagles’ opponent, strengthening their position in the playoff hunt.  I expect another ugly, one-sided game with the Bucs triumphing by roughly a possession and a half.

Falcons (11-1, won v. Saints, 1st Seed NFC South) vs. Panthers (3-9, lost v. Chiefs)

…and speaking of one-sided affairs.

The Panthers have serious problems, problems that may not be solved in time for next season.  And the Falcons are maybe the most effective team in the NFL right now.  There’s still another loss in Atlanta’s future, but it won’t be at Carolina’s hands.  Expect a two possession win for Mattie Ice and his crew.

Chiefs (2-10, won v. Panthers) vs. Browns (4-8, won v. Raiders)

The problem with playing from a position of emotion, as Kansas City did last week, is that those performances are very, very fleeting.  Soon enough, poor skill reasserts itself and you’re back to playing in a terrible manner.  The Chiefs can not maintain that emotionally high level of play anymore, leaving them wide open for the superior and hungry Cleveland team.  This will be an easy two possession–or more–win for the Browns.

Chargers (4-8, lost v. Bengals) vs. Steelers (7-5, won v. Ravens, Potential AFC Wild Card)

The Steelers may be bloodied but they have managed to trudge closer and closer to a playoff appearance, which is pretty  impressive for a team that was almost written off due to their shakiness.  They may be getting some key pieces back which will give San Diego fits.  And given how unsteady the Not-So-Super-Chargers are, it’s going to be a pretty awful time for them.  Expect Pittsburgh to win by a possession and a half.

Titans (4-8, lost v. Texans) vs. Colts (8-4, won v. Lions, Potential AFC Wild Card)

The Titans are playing tougher than usual right now…but the Andrew Luck Colts are playing even tougher, making their appearance in the playoffs extremely likely. Indianapolis should trample Tennessee easily by two possessions.

Paper Planes (5-7, ‘won’ v. Cardinals, Potential AFC Wildcard) v. Gerbils (2-10, lost v. Our Bitch)

‘Potential AFC Wild Card’.  Wow.  Didn’t expect to write that this season.  Especially after the most embarrassing game that I suspect has ever been played by two professional teams.

And yet, that phrase could seem very, very likely for the ‘Planes.  The games Gang Green have for the rest of the season are ridiculously easy, although they will need to beat San Diego and Our Bitch decisively for this to even begin to happen.

And speaking of ridiculously easy–this game isn’t as easy as it looks.  The Gerbils have been playing better under Chad Henne, and Henne has beaten the Planes before (3-1 against the team).  Of course, the Gerbils will struggle with two of their offensive weapons out…so I’m willing to bet that the Paper Planes, even with Mark Sanchez under center, wins by less than a possession.

Bears (8-4, lost v. Seahawks, Potential NFC Wild Card) vs. Vikings (6-6, lost v. Packers, Potential NFC Wild Card)

See, this is why you have to keep fighting and fighting hard even in the home stretch.  Because the Bears let their guard down last week, they’ve been kicked out of their dominance of the NFC North and lost whatever home field advantage they had in the playoffs.  Chicago needs to win every game from here on in and hope that Seattle stumbles once, ideally twice.

Thankfully, the Bears have Minnesota this week, who have not totally self-destructed like, let’s say, Arizona or Philadelphia, but are still very shaky.  Christian Ponder is simply not doing well, and there’s only so much we can expect Adrian Peterson to carry this team by himself–his shoulders are simply not that broad.  This is going to be a low-scoring, toughly played game that will result in a Bears win by less than a possession.

Sunday Games, 4:30 p.m

Dolphins (5-7, lost v. Sucking Black Hole of Evil, Potential AFC Wild Card) vs. 49ers (8-3-1, lost v. Rams, 2nd Seed NFC West)

The Dolphins may be playing much, much better than they should have–unlike, let’s say, the Paper Planes and Our Bitch, they have been playing every game hard.  But I can’t see Miami winning against San Francisco, even a San Fran team that’s been playing so erratic.  Expect the 49ers to slide into a victory by a possession or less.

Cardinals (4-8, lost v. Paper Planes) vs. Seahawks (7-5, won v. Bears, Potential NFC Wild Card)

And the question is not if the Cards will lose this week–they’re playing in Seattle, where Russell Wilson is simply unbeatable–but if they’ll win a game at all the rest of this season.  John Skelton may give Arizona a little bit of a lift, but it won’t stop the Seahawks from smacking the Cards with their weird-looking, ugly ass uniforms by a possession to two possessions.

Saints (5-7, lost v. Falcons) vs. Giants (7-5, lost v. Native Americans)

This game could go either way.  The Saints are playing well after that horrific start, while Big Blue seem to be struggling–something we all sort of figured out when we saw them almost lose to the Bucs and get pasted by the Native Americans and the Cowboys.  This is the perfect time for the Saints to run into the Giants, as they can easily pad out their win total a bit more in the hopes of climbing back into that playoff race.  Add into it the fact that Drew Brees seems to love playing this team, winning again and again and again against this squad, and we may have a tiny bit of an upset.  I’m going for New Orleans to win by a possession and a half.

Sunday Game 8:30 p.m.

Lions (4-8, lost v. Colts) vs. Packers (8-4, won v. Vikings, 3rd Seed NFC North)

The Lions need to win this game.  Their chances of making the playoffs are almost non-existent at this point, but the more important thing is to avoid slipping back into the dreaded Culture O’ Losing.  Detroit has spent so much time working on being better that they can’t afford to become that sad sack little group of mewling kittens who once went 0-16.  And luckily for them, the Pack has not been very good…and especially has not been good at home lately.  If the Lions man up and pull this off, they’ll act as a spoiler, messing up Green Bay’s playoff run.  It’s going to be a close game–we’re talking a field goal or less

Monday Game 8:30 p.m.

Texans (11-1, won v. Titans, 1st Seed AFC South) vs. The Sucking Black Hole of Evil (9-3, won v. Dolphins, 4th Seed AFC East)

Truth be told, this is a game I’ve been waiting for all season…if only because I’ve been dreaming of seeing J.J. Watt standing over the prone body of the Crybaby Quarterback and giving the Foxboro faithful that salute.  Multiple times.

The Texans are simply a better team, with a pass rush that will hurry up and knock the Crybaby Quarterback all the way back to his home (Hell, he’ll be crying more than his newborn daughter!).  The only thing the Sucking Black Hole can hope for is to frequently switch up between different receivers to confuse Houston’s defense and diffuse the secondary…but I think you need to bet on the red and blue, as they’ll win by about a possession and a half over the Sucking Black Hole.

Thursday Night Games (Week 15) 8:20 p.m.

Bengals v. Eagles

The Bengals are getting better, and the Eagles have reached the point of no return.  Football Spock for the win by two to three possessions.

See you next week.

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Moves Like Curtis: The Firing Train Is A’Coming! (Week 11)

Nov. 18 All, Articles, Features, Moves Like Curtis, NFL, Sports 3 comments

You know, I love football.  I am proud of being a football fan.  But there are times when I feel ashamed.

This season I’ve been feeling ashamed more often than I’d like, and it’s because of the behavior of some fans in Kansas City and, as of last week, Philadelphia, who feel it’s okay to cheer at the misery of their quarterbacks.

Look, I get it.  Matt Cassel and Michael Vick have been playing poorly, and their teams have lost games because of that poor play.  That doesn’t mean they aren’t trying their best to win games, and that doesn’t mean they don’t take their obligations seriously.  And that definitely means they don’t deserve to have their injuries cheered.

I know that as fans, we pay these people’s salaries with our ticket sales and our patronage to the sponsors of the televised games and our merchandise purchases.  It may make us feel we have a greater right to be critical.  Lord knows I’ve been hypercritical of my team this season.  But that doesn’t mean we should revel in it when someone goes down.

Shame on you, Kansas City.  Shame on you, Philadelphia, a city I’ve grown to love.  Show more respect.

On to the games…

Bye, Bye, Bye

Titans, Giants, Seahawks, Vikings

Sunday Games, 1:00 p.m.

Packers (6-3, Bye Week) vs. Lions (4-5, lost v. Vikings)

They’re back to normal.

Now that we’re entering the downhill race, Green Bay has finally found and re-attached their balls, whereas the Lions are still out in the woods looking for theirs….and after being walloped by the Vikings, I’m beginning to wonder if they’re ever going to be a factor in the playoffs.  It’s sad that after steady progress, Detroit seems to be regressing slightly.  This is not going to be a good game for them, as Green Bay triumphs by a possession or less.

Cardinals (4-5, Bye Week) vs. Falcons (8-1, lost v. Saints)

Ken Wisenhunt must be waking up in a cold sweat, knowing that the Firing Train is coming for him.  After that strong start, the wings fell off the Cardinals, with the team giving up game after game after game.  And I can’t see them doing a big upset over the Falcons.  Don’t get me wrong–Atlanta will lose again, but it won’t be to Arizona.  Expect it to be a hard-fought game, but in the end it’ll be the Dirty Birds cleaning up by two possessions.

Buccaneers (5-4, won v. Chargers) vs. Panthers (2-7, lost v. Broncos)

The Bucs have been improving, and they’re doing so at the right time.  There’s a good chance they’ll be knocking on the door of the playoff hunt with their balanced mix of a tough defense and a pretty good offense.

That being said, they’re ripe for a trap game…and look who’s now on their radar screen.  The Panthers are pretty bad, being held together by Cam Newton’s increasingly squirrelly self.  The funny thing is I can easily see Newton pull another of his Superman performances out of his butt, throwing for a bazillion yards with a high completion percentage to snatch victory from the Bucs by about a possession.

Browns (2-7, Bye Week) vs. Cowboys (4-5, won v. Eagles)

And speaking of traps…yes, the Browns are terrible, but they’re one of the hardest playing, most tenacious terrible teams out there.  Unlike, let’s say, the Gerbils, Cleveland plays like they want to win every game.  For the first time since they re-entered the league, I can honestly see the Browns rise above their culture of losing and actually contend for something in the AFC North.

…which might prove to give the underperforming ‘Boys a real fright.  This has not been the playoff bound juggernaut Dallas–or, to be more specific, Jerry Jones–portrayed themselves as being back in Week One.  And this could be the end of the line for this iteration of the team–Tony Romo becomes a free agent after this season, and that could bring on a couple of years of wandering in the woods for No-Longer-America’s-Team.  I can easily see Brandon Weedon and his crew taking the white-and-blue by surprise and squeezing out what might be a shocker of an upset by a possession or less.

Eagles (3-6, lost v. Cowboys) vs. Native American (3-6, Bye Week)

Oh, and here there be ugliness.  Philadelphia is literally shaking itself to pieces amidst all the poor quarterback play, the increasing indecisiveness of Andy Reid, the locker room drama and any number of other factors.  Having Michael Vick out due to concussion is just not going to help things, either.  And the Native Americans are coming down from their early success to the usual awful game play that typifies Washington.  All this being told, I have to think that the N.A.’s will be better prepared, be more consistent in their gameplay and will end up winning by about a possession and a half…

Paper Planes (3-6, lost v. Seahawks) vs. Rams (3-5-1, tied v. 49ers)

sigh…

Remember, folks–ties count as losses, so like the game above, this one’s between teams with the same record.

And if you thought the Paper Planes’ loss versus the Seahawks was demoralizing, wait until they lose to St. Louis.  The Rams will have a homefield advantage, with a stadium as loud, if not more so, than the one New York struggled with in Seattle.  They’re playing at a level better than the green-and-white are, and they’re not dealing with an idiotic offensive coordinator who keeps repeating the same plays over and over and keeps breaking up the rhythm of his starting quarterback by putting in the back-up quarterback at seemingly random times….okay, so they are dealing with our old offensive coordinator, who must be smirking right now, thinking he got out at just the right time.  The Rams are simply the better team, and they are definitely going to win by a possession or two…leading up to the even more demoralizing, career-ending game four days hence, which we’ll get to below.

Bengals (4-5, won v. Giants) vs. Chiefs (1-8, lost v. Steelers)

I know the Gerbils are the worst the NFL has to offer, but Kansas City is only a hair shy of being just as bad.  Granted, they’ve got Matt Cassel back under center, which might be an improvement…but let’s be honest, they’re still not going to be nearly as good as the Bengals.

And in spite of their record, Cincinnati has been good.  This Andy Dalton led-squad may be the most solid crew Marvin Lewis has had–and yes, that includes all of the Carson Palmer/Chad Johnson combos.  They’ve just managed to walked into some truly dreadful situations, and happen to be playing in a division where there are two superior teams over them.  They’re probably got their morale elevated thanks to decimating the Giants so badly, and I can’t see them losing against the lowly Chiefs, so expect Dem Bengals to beat down Kansas City by two to three possessions.

Gerbils (1-8, lost v. Colts) vs. Texans (8-1, won v. Bears)

Are you kidding me?  My God, can you imagine how many times J.J. Watt will tip Blane Gabbert’s pathetic lil’ passes?  This is a thorough train wreck.  Or it could be a trap game…

No, I don’t believe that, either.

I don’t think I need to expend too much thought on this game.  The Texans destroy excellent teams like the Bears, so imagine what they’ll do to the Gerbils.  Expect a rout by three possessions or more.

Sunday Game 4:30 p.m.

Saints (4-5, won v. Falcons) vs. Raiders (3-6, lost v. Ravens)

The Saints are on a roll.  The Raiders are not.  And while one of Oakland’s wins is against a truly elite team, I don’t expect them to repeat that miracle against New Orleans.  There’s momentum on the side of the Black and Gold, and that momentum is going to flatten the Raiders by about two possessions.

Chargers (4-5, lost v. Buccaneers) vs. Broncos (6-3, won v. Panthers)

Even though the traditional AFC West rivalry is between Denver and Oakland, I’ve always found this match-up more intriguing…well, at least until now.  San Diego has been collapsing under the weight of itself, which I think is going to lead to Norv ‘Good Enough For Government Work’ Turner looking for a new position (a position that I may speculate on as we get closer to the end of this season), while Denver, after a shaky start, seems to be thriving under Fetus Head Manning.  Denver should take this after some back and forth to win by a possession.

Colts (6-3, won v. Gerbils) vs. The Sucking Black Hole Of Evil (6-3, won v. Our Bitch)

This could be another trap game–Hell, it could be the most likely of the trap games I’ve called this week.  The Sucking Black Hole’s degrading of play has been disguised by its big blowouts against teams they should blow out (That’s right, Our Bitch.  Hell, yeah, Paper Planes!), and the Colts are coming in between one such blow out and a short week where they’ll be dining on roasted Paper Plane.  They’re probably going to underprepare, thinking the Thanksgiving tilt is more important, and that is going to be to Andrew Luck’s advantage…

Because Andrew Luck is good.  And he’s getting better with each week.  I mean, look at where Indianapolis is and where we expected them to be at the beginning of this season.  It’s likely that the Colts will be cruising into the playoffs–easily cruising!  They’re a formidable squad, and the only thing that might work in the Sucking Black Hole’s favor is their rather average defense.  Expect a high scoring see-saw of a game that will result in Luck and his crew leading Indy to a victory of less than  possession.

Sunday Game 8:30 p.m.

Ravens (7-2, won v. Raiders) vs. Steelers (6-3, won v. Chiefs)

This could be interesting for one thing–the fact that Byron Leftwich is starting for Pittsburgh.

I am a Leftwich fan–hell, there was a time I was campaigning for Leftwich to come and be the backup for the Paper Planes back when he was first cut–and there’s no doubt in my mind that he can win games.  His only downside is that he’s got Glass Body syndrome (but then…if Leftwich goes down, the Steelers have Charlie Batch, who can also win games).  Byron will keep the team competitive, and make sure Pittsburgh’s playoffs hopes are still realistic.

That being said, I am not sure if Leftwich could win this game.  The Ravens may be winning against garbage teams, but I’m willing to bet that The Marlboro Man and the Ravens’ admittedly slightly pitted Wall O’ Pain will be able to do enough to squeak a win out by about a possession and a half.

Monday Game 8:30 p.m.

Bears (7-2, lost v. Texans) vs. 49ers (6-2-1, tied v. Rams)

This may look on paper like an even match-up, but I’m not so sure.  The Bears’ defense is proving to be stouter and tougher than San Fran’s, and that will most likely be the deciding factor in this game.  Expect Chicago to pull ahead late in the game to win by about a possession or less.

Thursday Night Games (Week Twelve) 8:20 p.m.

Ahhhhh, the day I dreaded when I started this practice of previewing the Thursday Games of the next week ahead of time.  It’s the Dubious Thanksgiving Classics, which means not one, but three lousy games to sit through, beginning with…

Texans vs. Lions

…this massacre.  The Lions, even as good as they’ve gotten, are simply not prepared for Houston.  Even taking into account Detroit’s tendency to rise above their usual game play on Thanksgiving (although even that’s up for dispute this year, as the Lions have been getting other national games of late), there’s no way they can provide any opposition for the Texans.  Expect a rout by about two to three possessions in an overall one-sided game.

Native Americans vs. Cowboys

This one might be the one game where the host team wins.  The ‘Boys may be smarting, but they should be able to dominate over the Native Americans by about a possession.

Paper Planes v. The Sucking Black Hole Of Evil

….and here comes this apocalyptic mess.  Yes, the Planes have done well under Rex Ryan  against The Sucking Black Hole.  Yes, they need this game desperately, if only for face saving reasons.  Yes, they played one of their best games of the season in their narrow loss in Foxboro.  But they also have done horribly on days when they’ve had short rest, and coming up against the team that inarguably hates them the most, that has been ready for them, will make this akin to walking into a buzzsaw.  The Sucking Black Hole takes it by two to three possessions.

See you next week.

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Moves Like Curtis: Down Goes The Big Ol’ Georgia Dragon? (Week 10)

Nov. 11 All, Articles, Features, Moves Like Curtis, NFL, Sports 3 comments

I know, I know…this is late, and there’s no intro.  I’m sorry…

Let’s get right to it.

Bye, Bye, Bye

Browns, Packers, Native Americans, Cardinals

Sunday Games, 1:00 p.m.

Chargers (4-4, won v. Chiefs) vs. Buccaneers (4-4, won v. Raiders)

Both of these teams are coming off of nice and easy, ego-boosting wins.  The Chargers probably need this game more, as it’s still conceivable that they could seize this very soft division.  However, both could make the playoffs if the chips fall right.  Given how tough Tampa Bay’s defense could be–we are talking about the team that almost beat down the Giants earlier this season–they could prove to be a difficult match-up for San Diego, especially given how easy it can be to rattle Philip Rivers.  This may be the key.  I’m going to go with the Bucs by a possession and a half.

Titans (3-6, lost v. Bears) vs. Dolphins (4-4, lost v. Colts)

The Titans are just wretched.  If it wasn’t for Matt Hasselbeck, I could easily see Tennessee being 1-8 like fellow AFC South bottom feeders the Gerbils.  Hell, if it wasn’t for Hasselbeck, there would be no hope in Music City.

On the other hand…the Dolphins continue to move in the right direction, even with the loss to Indianapolis last week.  I would not be surprised if Miami manages to steal a win away from the ailing Sucking Black Hole of Evil in their two tilts in the coming weeks.  They’re well coached, they’re exciting to watch, and their tendency to switch up defensive looks really puts opponents back on their heels.  This is a terribly lopsided contest, so expect Miami to net the win by two possessions.

Our Bitch (3-5, lost v. Texans) vs. The Sucking Black Hole of Evil (5-3, Bye Week)

You know, as wretched as Our Bitch is, they have a history of giving The Sucking Black Hole of Evil a black eye.  Of course, usually those games were ones where people like Drew Bledsoe was their quarterback and not Ryan Fitzpatrick, who is a goof.  As much as I am hoping for one of these massive, jaw-dropping upsets, I cannot think that this is going to be a massacre, and the Sucking Black Hole advances one more step toward their inevitable AFC East Division Championship by three or more possessions.

Raiders (3-5, lost v. Bucs) vs. Ravens (6-2, won v. Browns)

You know what’s interesting?  The Ravens are now what the Raiders used to be–a slightly disreputable team that still seems to bust up their opponents and reach the playoffs through a very nasty defense.  Of course, the problem now is that Oakland has become a total mess where every time there seems to be some hope that they’ll dig themselves out of the Culture of Losing, the team gets blown up yet again by the front office, and Baltimore…isn’t.  Maybe there’s a lesson to be learned here.

I can’t possibly see the Raiders taking this, unless the Marlboro Man and The Wall O’ Pain that is the Ravens Defense decides to underplay thanks to Oakland’s surprise decimation of the Steelers.  As with the usual way with this iteration of the Silver and Black, expect there to be some brief moments where it looks like Carson Palmer will pull off a win, only to let things get away from him and the Ravens snatching victory by two possessions.

Broncos (5-2, won v. Bengals) vs. Panthers (2-6, won v. Native Americans)

So Cam Newton managed to win one–and even better, won one against the team headed by the man who may be a better example of the kind of quarterback he’s supposed to be, Robert Griffin III.  This might hopefully save Cam from going down the Vince Young Road we thought he was going down…emphasis on might.

(Oh, and Warren Moon?  I love and respect you, man, but I wasn’t comparing Newton to Young because they’re both black, but because they seem to be unnaturally emotionally sensitive, okay?  If Cam came out a decade or so ago, I’d be comparing him to Ryan Leaf.)

And you know what else might save Newton from burning out and becoming a footnote in the history of the NFL?  Snatching a victory away from Peyton Manning.  The Broncos are at the top of the AFC West, but that may very well because they’re playing, ummm, the AFC West.  Manning has been playing well, but he’s not the overpowering engine of scoring he used to be.  The Broncos are beatable, and they could be beaten by the Panthers provided they get their stuff together.  And because I’m pulling for Newton to become less incoherent rambler and more a decent football player, I’m going to say Carolina can pull it off.  It’s going to be a high scoring game, with lots of lead changes…but I’m going to give victory to Carolina by a possession or less.

Giants (6-3, lost v. Steelers) vs. Bengals (3-5, lost v. Broncos)

The Giants are doing their usual thing, stumbling a bit as they hit the midseason, losing just enough games for New Yorkers to start grumbling about Coach Coughlin to be fired…just so they can set up the big run in the last leg and slide easily into the playoffs.  And, as such, there might be some expectations that Cincinnati might pull off a victory here.  This will be their big shock loss to a team they shouldn’t lose against.

But I don’t think so.  As much as I admire Football Spock, the Bengals have regressed quite a bit this season.  They’re in danger of not even being considered for playoffs, and may result in the end of the Marvin Lewis era.  Even with all the shaky play from Eli Manning and his receiver corps, I cannot see Big Blue not being the top dog in this fight.  Figure they will do another of those insane come-from-behind rallies to get the win by a possession and a half.

Lions (4-4, won v. Gerbils) vs. Vikings (5-4, lost v. Seahawks)

I wonder if the Lions have managed to get back on track too late…after all, while they weren’t looking, Minnesota has pulled it together and become a serious threat to take the NFC North.  Hell, given Green Bay’s struggles, this may be the best chance the Vikes have had for a while, sliding into a Wild Card behind Chicago.  It’s only a question of keeping up the momentum they’ve had for the first half on to the end.

And while the Lions may have lost their first match-up with the Vikes, they have won three of their last four games and they can also make the playoffs.  But to do this, they must win this game and rise above .500.  Plus, just as the Lions won their last two games, the Vikes have dropped their last two games to respectable teams.  I’m going to keep pulling for Detroit and say, after a knock down, drag out battle, they’ll win after a possession.

Falcons (8-0, won v. Cowboys) vs. Saints (3-5, won v. Eagles)

This is the worst possible time for the Falcons to be running into the Saints.  New Orleans is finding its footing, and is desperate to re-establish itself as an elite group.  And on paper, a finally alive and awake Saints should give any team nightmares and the Dirty Birds rolling in right now might look like a holiday feast for Drew Brees and company…

…because one of the great secrets is how the longer a streak like this goes on, the harder the loss will be.  And I can’t help thinking that Atlanta might underprepare for this match-up, assuming their usual arch-enemies are the easy pickings of their last meeting and not the more super-charged group that carved up the Eagles last week.  I’m calling for New Orleans–who are playing in their home in front of some of the most raucous, supportive fans in the division, have won three of their last four, and who absolutely need this game to see the playoffs–to be the one to slay the big ol’ Georgia Dragon by two possessions.

Sunday Games 4:30 p.m.

Paper Planes (3-5, Bye Week) vs. Seahawks (5-4, won v.Vikings)

And so my personal pain continues…

To my surprise, the Paper Planes could make the playoffs given their strength of schedule and the overall weakness of the second-tier AFC teams.  But my beloved team has so many problems in so many areas that I cannot see them winning enough games to raise them over the .500 mark; by my estimation, the Planes can only win three, maybe four games in this final half of this season.  And I’m dreading the massacre as Woody Johnson will end up firing, trading or releasing a number of people–including Mark Sanchez, on whose shoulders this poor performance will be laid upon, and whose fault this is not.

And this tour of torment begins with a trip to Seattle, a place where the Planes have never done well.  Hell, you can consider the last time the ‘Hawks met us was when Brett ‘The Penis Mailer’ Farve began to give up on us so he could get released and jump ship to the Vikings.  And that was a truly crappy Seattle team…this one is all fired up thanks to Pete Carroll’s coaching style and is actually going toe-to-toe with San Francisco for the NFC West.  This is going to be a lop-sided, ugly game with Russell Wilson (who apparently was on the Planes’ radar this past draft day) trampling all over us and leading the Seahawks to win and win big by three possessions.

Cowboys (3-5, lost v. Falcons) vs. Eagles (3-5, lost v. Saints)

And on the flip side, the Cowboys must be licking their lips in anticipation of their tilt with the Eagles.

Philadelphia is in such disarray between the underperforming of its on-field personnel, the firing of team personnel and the reintroduction of a particularly hot seat under Andy Reid’s ass that the future is in doubt.  We might be finally witnessing the end of the Reid era the Eagles have been teasing for the last few seasons.  It will take a while to pull the team back together, and I sincerely doubt that the Eagles can function reliably this week…which means they’re excellent distraction fodder for an almost-as-in-disarray Dallas.  When all is said and done, the ‘Boys are in better condition at this moment than the Eagles, and they should win by about a possession and a half.

Rams (3-5, Bye Week) vs. 49ers (6-2, Bye Week)

Okay…on paper the 49ers should roll right over the Rams.  St. Louis looks outmatched on every level…except one.

Jeff Fisher.

Fisher may be working with terrible pieces, but he’s making the best of them, and that makes the Rams a dangerous opponent.  This could lead to a big upset that will cause all the sports media world to mewl like fat happy babies.  Add into the fact that Fisher has had an extra week to go all mad scientist on the 49ers, and I suspect this might be a big shock to the world, as St. Louis might squeak out a victory by less than a possession.

Sunday Game 8:30 p.m.

Texans (7-1, won v. Our Bitch) vs. Bears (7-1, won v. Titans)

Ooooooh…think of all the match-ups here.  Matt Schaub versus Kid Nastyman.  J. J. Watt trying to punch a hole through Chicago’s O-Line.  Arian Foster trying to break free of the dreaded Bears defense.  The possibilities for this to be the best game of the week are so tantalizing, that it’s no surprise that this is the marquee game.

Of course, someone has to lose this match-up, and someone has to go 7-2 at the end of the night.  I have to think that Houston will be the victor.  Wade Phillips’ defensive schemes are tougher than the Bears’ offense and, even though it will be a possession or less–hell, it wouldn’t surprise me if the winning point is scored by a single OT field goal–it’ll leave both team beat up more than a fight between two Brooklyn girls over the same guy at a backyard barbecue.

Monday Game 8:30 p.m.

Chiefs (1-7, lost v. Chargers) vs. Steelers (5-3, won v. Giants)

And, as is the tradition, the Monday Night game will be as sucky in direct proportion to how awesome the Sunday Night game is.  The Chiefs are dreadful, and are simply incapable of scoring against a strong defense–even a badly banged up one like Pittsburgh.  Now granted, Kansas City does fall under that weird ‘Crappy Teams Are Our Kryptonite’  aspect of Pittsburgh’s season, but I like to think that the last few wins have allowed Tomlin’s schemes to course-correct.  There is no way the Black and Yellow will allow themselves to be beaten up by the coughing, sputtering, varsity-like shell of a team that is the Chiefs.  Expect a two possession or more win for the Steelers.

Thursday Night Game (Week Eleven) 8:20 p.m.

Dolphins v. Our Bitch

Even this far into the future, I can see the horrors that are about to befall Ryan Fitzpatrick and his crew.  The chameleon-like, quick defense of Miami will shut down what little offense the Bills will muster, resulting in a possession to two possession win.

See you next week.

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Moves Like Curtis: I Fly Like Paper, Get High Like Planes (Week 9)

Nov. 03 All, Articles, DVD, Entertainment, Features, Moves Like Curtis, Movies, NFL, Sports, TV 4 comments

Gather around, lil’ football fans.  It’s time for Unca Tom to take away some teams’ nicknames!

As everyone who has been following MlC so far knows, I am a firm believer in taking away a team’s nickname for acting like idiots.  And this week we see two teams being punished thusly, starting with my favorite team of all, being stripped for the second time this season.

It was actually pretty fascinating last Sunday, watching the end of a career.  As much as I hate to admit it, Mark Sanchez is done.  I can’t see him being back next year, nor can I see him finish out this season.  And take a timid QB, a porous o-line, some awful receivers and one of the worst running backs in the league, and what do you get?  A team that’s not going to get to .500.  I can only see three wins in their future, maybe five depending on whether the Rams and the Cardinals manage to correct themselves.  There’s going to be a bloodbath in New Jersey come January, and the only thing I can promise is that the person who deserves to go, GM Mike Tannenbaum, will be staying.  And since they managed to find a way to disappoint me even more than that loss versus the 49ers did, I’m going to bust them down even further than last time.  They’re not the Jets, they’re not the Biplanes…they’re the Paper Planes.

And then there’s the Jaguars, who seem to be playing like they don’t even want to win.  The main difference between Jacksonville and Carolina is that Carolina seems motivated; the Panthers’ big problem is that there’s a serious disconnect between the needs of the team and the needs of the QB.  The Jags…they just don’t care.  They allow themselves themselves to be rolled over on again and again, and even the one weapon they could rely on, Maurice Jones-Drew, is out of commission.  This is a team that isn’t a threat to anyone…thus, I demote them from the fearsome Jaguars to the inoffensive Gerbils.

Now that that’s over, let’s get this party started.

Bye, Bye, Bye

The Sucking Black Hole of Evil, Paper Planes, Rams, 49ers

Sunday Games, 1:00 p.m.

Cardinals (4-4, lost v. 49ers) vs. Packers (5-3, won v. Gerbils)

Okay, after a strong beginning, the Cardinals are beginning to fall apart.  And all signs are pointing for the Football Team with Two Heads to continue a decline that may see them fighting for last place in the NFC West with the Rams (not that I think that’s going to be a bad thing; this may very well be the first division where the last place team will have a better record than some teams in third place in other divisions).

On the other hand, after a rocky start, the Packers have gained ground and momentum.  They’re suddenly playing like the team we expected them to, with a stingy defense and a powerful offense.  Now granted, the Packers have been reclaiming its swagger with some wins against some crappy teams–and a really big win against a previously unbeaten one.  I think they’re so up to speed that they should handily slap Arizona down fairly quickly.  Expect Green Bay to win by about two and a half possessions.

Lions (3-4, won v. Seahawks) vs. Gerbils (1-6, lost v. Packers)

So the Lions have taken two Giant Steps back this year, showing all the world that last year’s behavior has become a fluke.  While I still think Matthew Stafford is the guy to lead this team, with both tangible and intangible qualities that make him a good-to-great field general, they’re just not performing.  Granted, I think they’ll maybe crack 8-8–a lot better than Detroit has done prior to last year–but they’re still going to be stuck in last place in the NFC North division.

But don’t worry, o City of Detroit….you’re about to reach .500 because it’s time for you to stomp on some Gerbils.  Jacksonville has to pretty much accept the fact that they’re the whipping boys of the NFL, and that they’re sadder than such notorious stinky teams as the Raiders and the Browns…and when you’re stinkier than the Browns, you need help.  The Lions will eat these Gerbils alive, racking up an impressive win by about three possessions and the Gerbils…well, they have some brochures for London and Los Angeles to show you.

Bears (6-1, won v. Panthers) vs. Titans (3-5, lost v. Colts)

And now, in Mismatched Football Fight Night, we have Kid Nastyman’s crew mixing it up with a team who…well, should be grateful for that Replacement Ref Plague early this season, or else I’d be renaming them, I don’t know, the Midgets.  The Titans should also be grateful that they’re in the same division as the Gerbils as well, incidentally.  Yeah, I’ll admit that they play better when Matt Hasselback is under center because Hasselback is a great quarterback on the declining side of the bell curve, but other than that they’ve got nothing.  The only way Tennessee to hope for a close game (or even a win) is for Kid Nastyman to have one of those brain hemoraging bad games he seems to have once or twice a year.  But if Chicago isn’t heading that way, then they will dominate and the Titans will be defeated by two or more possessions easily.

Broncos (4-3, won v. Saints) vs. Bengals (3-4, Bye Week)

The Bengals should be playing better than they are.  Andy Dalton is a good field general, the addition of BenJarvus Green-Ellis sounded like a great move, and their receiving corps is averaging fifteen yards a carry.  And yet they’re still losing more than winning.  Now hopefully Marvin Lewis will have spent the Bye Week adjusting things that optimize everyone’s performance…but right now Cincinnati are on the lower half of the mediocre scale.

But that Bye Week might lead to the Bengals winning over Peyton ‘Fetus Head’ Manning and the Broncos.  Like The Sucking Black Hole of Evil, Denver might actually win the AFC East not because they’re exceptional, but because they’re the best team in a very, very soft (you know, like a Fetus Head) division.  And getting in might be all they need, given that the Broncos will then be able to take advantage of Fetus Head’s skills in the post season to navigate those weeks well.  But it doesn’t mask the fact that Denver is just a better than average team.  I can hear the creaking metal of a trap game–expect the Bengals to reach .500 by pulling a win by a possession or less in the last quarter.

Panthers (1-6, lost v. Bears) vs. Native Americans (3-5, lost v. Steelers)

Now here’s a contrast between two quarterbacks at the start of their career.  Both Cam Newton and Robert Griffith III are incredibly gifted with a potentially massive destiny ahead of them.  The major difference is that Robert Griffith seems concerned with his team as a whole whereas Cam Newton seems concerned with…being Cam Newton.  That’s why, while both teams have losing records, the Panthers are pretty much hopeless while there’s an outside chance that Washington can contend for a Wild Card.

That being said, this is a much more evenly matched game.  The Native Americans need this game to stay competitive in the NFC East, and the Panthers need this game to…well, prevent from being a total laughing stock as opposed to just a laughing stock (you’re stuck being a laughing stock, Carolina–you made Ryan Kalil look subtle with that newspaper advertisement guaranteeing a Super Bowl).  All things being said, I’m going with the Native Americans because they’re playing better, they’re coached better and they’re more competitive even in the games they lose.  But it’ll be close–a possession to a possession and a half–and it can still potentially go either way.

Ravens (5-2, Bye Week) vs. Browns (2-6, won v. Chargers)

This looks like a really, really bad match-up.  The Ravens are head and shoulders above the Browns, and even without The Human Wall that is Ray Lewis, they should win.

But dammit, I can’t get away from my respect for the Browns.  They are playing loads better than they have a right to, and even when they were sucking, blowing and stinking, they have that uncanny talent for trap gaming much better teams…and imagine how much more efficient those traps are with Trent Richardson running it down opponent’s throats.

Do I think that the Marlboro Man and the Ravens are the better team?  Absolutely.  Do I think that Baltimore will slide into the playoffs easily?  Sure.  But do I think that right now is a bad time for a game like this?  Totally.  Expect Cleveland to pull off a win by a field goal or less.

Dolphins (4-3, won v. Paper Planes) vs. Colts (4-3, won v. Titans)

I think the Dolphins have got something here with this ever-changing defense, switching up looks constantly and keeping people way off guard.  For almost the entire game last week they pinned the Paper Planes down like a schoolyard bully and spit right in their collective faces (yes, I just made a Flatliners reference.  Deal with it.).  And we were reminded that Miami has something we don’t–namely, a back-up quaterback in Matt Moore that is as good, if not better, than Ryan Tannehill.  No matter who shows up to start, it’s a cinch that Miami will have a dogfight with the Colts…and I’m pretty positive than when the dust clears, Miami will be the victor in overtime by a possession.

Our Bitch (3-4, Bye Week) vs. Texans (6-1, Bye Week)

*snort*

Really?

You really want me to tell you what you already know.

Look, The Texans are hardcore, and they’re well-rested.  Our Bitch are…well, just well-rested.  Houston will spank these little boys in a heroic win by over three possessions.  And I’ll just laugh and laugh and laugh until I remember Our Bitch has the same exact record as my team.

And then I’ll cry.

Sunday Games 4:30 p.m.

Vikings (5-3, lost v. Buccs) vs. Seahawks (4-4, lost vs. Lions)

The Vikings really are the surprise of the season, aren’t they?  Everyone thought they’d be last place in the NFC North, and now they’ll be in the playoff hunt–and they might even beat the Packers–the Packers–for a wild card.  And the Seahawks have also proven to be better than we expected, and are definitely competitive with the 49er’s.  This is an even match-up, and I think what will tilt things toward the Seahawks two fold.  Christian Ponder has been regressing, and if there’s one thing I know about these days it’s promising quarterbacks who regress.  Also, this game is being played in Seattle, an outdoor stadium that is brutal and has a great fan base.  The combination of Minnesota’s underplaying and Seattle’s homefield advantage will result in a Seahawks win by two possessions or less.

Buccaneers (3-4, won v. Vikings) vs. Raiders (3-4, won v. Chiefs)

I’ve gotten into the habit of choosing Oakland to make Kelen Conley feel better about being a Raiders fan, but I can’t quite do that here.  The Bucs are a slightly better team who play real hard and are in the game until the bitter final seconds. and their own status as a warm weather team should negate the advantage the Black Hole might give the Silver and Black.  Plus you’ve got Carson Palmer, who can get rattled if you brush up against him lightly.  Tampa Bay should win the game by a possession or more.

Steelers (4-3, won v. Native Americans) vs. Giants (6-2, won v. Cowboys)

Oh, this is going to be tough.  Two exceptional teams with exceptionally tough defenses, masterfully field generaled, and well coached.  Sure, the Steelers are banged up and have that uncanny habit of losing to really, really crappy teams…but they’re still formidable.  And the Giants are one of the elite of the elite.  Expect a low scoring, high defensive duel with the strong possibility of a score in the single digits, or no more than thirty points in total.  I do think that maybe the Giants are due for another bad game, but this isn’t it.  New York takes the win by a possession or less.

Sunday Game 8:30 p.m.

Cowboys (3-4, lost v. Giants) vs. Falcons (7-0, won v. Eagles)

The Falcons will lose a game this season…but sadly, the Cowboys are not going to be the team to hand them that loss.  This is a team in turmoil that might be taken apart in the offseason (and might result in Tony Romo finding a home in this very city), and I don’t know if they can withstand a team that has taken apart much more cohesive units. Expect Dallas to fall to Atlanta by about a possession and a half.

Monday Game 8:30 p.m.

Eagles (3-4, lost v. Falcons) vs. Saints (2-5, lost v. Broncos)

Philadelphia is a mess right now…and luckily for them, so are the Saints.  The Saints are probably going to want it more to get their momentum back, and they have the home field advantage of the Superdome.  It could go either way if the Eagles are telling the truth about their intention to start Michael Vick, but I’m willing to bet that the Saints do win by a possession or less.

Thursday Night Game (Week Ten) 8:20 p.m.

Colts v. Gerbils

Andrew Luck is good.  Indianapolis plays well.  The Gerbils are none of these things.  The Colts will pull ahead early and protect their two possession lead easily in a dull little game…

See you next week!

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