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Moves Like Curtis: Championship Weekend 2013!

Thomas Deja — Sun, 20 Jan 2013 17:45:05 +0000

And now we’re in the overture for the Greatest Game of The Year, when the last four survivors of this season slug it out for the right to represent their conference in The Super Bowl. And we’ve got four teams with varying degrees of experience in the playoffs, and four teams with varying degree of competency–hell, we have one team that has gotten here pretty much by the dint of being the only competent team in a division full of chuckleheads. And since this is going to be a short column, I’ll finish up with my speculations on which of the match-ups Goodell wants to see.

Before we begin, a reminder–I am putting together a braintrust of 32 super-fans, one for each of the teams (well, 31 plus me), and I still have a lot of teams open. So if you’re really devoted to your team, contact me and see if there’s a seat available on the Synod of Thirty-Two.

(And for why I’m putting together the Synod of Thirty-Two…welllll, you may find out very, very soon.)

So let’s get to it, then!

The Games!

49ers vs. Falcons (Sunday 3:00 p.m.)

Atlanta, you should feel very, very lucky. After all, if it wasn’t for Pete Carroll experiencing a moment of weakness and trying to ice your kicker, Seattle would have won and I would have been obligated to do the PYT horsey dance in public. The thing that worries me about Atlanta going in is the way they allowed the ‘Hawks to get back into the game so quickly, racking up a rather impressive amount of points before that lucky break. Both the Atlanta offense and defense are impressive, but are spotty in their effectiveness. While I originally thought the Falcons would take it, my beliefs are being shaken as we get closer to the games.

And then we have the weird and wonderful San Francisco 49ers. The strange mid-season switch to Colin Kaepernick seems to have worked for them…and yet I’m not entirely sold. San Francisco’s defense is just not all that good, and I think the success of the team has rested solely on how unfamiliar everyone is with their rookie quarterback. I suspect this reliance will bite Harbaugh on the ass and prevent the dream ‘Brother vs. Brother’ match-up I’ve been pulling for. I think this is going to be an ugly and unwatchable game, but in the end I’m going with my original gut instinct and declare Dem Dirty Birds the victor by a possession or less.

Ravens vs. The Sucking Black Hole Of Evil (Sunday 6:30 p.m.)

And here’s the game I’m soooooo looking forward to, because it will be the game that shuts up so many fair weather New England fans.

For you see, no matter how many times casual fans and commentators and other people who are lazy in their discussion of football claim that New England is The Greatest Team Evah, they’re really, really not. In the last half decade, the Sucking Black Hole’s game play has been in decline. All you fair weather fans who slurp New England butt look at those games where the Crybaby Quarterback runs up the score to win by, I dunno, nine hundred possessions don’t seem to take the same notice of those games this season where they lost close. Every one–whether football player, coach, GM or owner–degrades after a while, and while New England extended their reign through copious amount of cheating and assholery, they can’t hold it off for long.

And let’s be clear here–the Ravens are a different team in the playoffs, and they have New England’s number. If it wasn’t for some bad luck on Baltimore’s part, they would have gone on to meet the Giants last year. And those other playoff game they played in Foxboro? Yeah, Baltimore won that. The Marlboro Man is a QB who seems tailor-made for the post-season, and he’s got plenty of offensive weapons (Jones! Rice! Boldin!). Plus there’s that insane defensive squad, headed by the team’s morale leader on his last ride and some of the scariest, cleverest ballhawks in the league. If the Ravens can exploit the Sucking Black Hole’s weakness in the secondary, they should easily win by a possession or less.

Super Bowl Possibilities!

The Most Likely: Ravens vs. Falcons (The game for the title of Roughest Team In The League. Two QBs who entered the league at the same time looking for entry into the Club Of The Elite. Two Veterans looking for a ring on their last tour of duty.)

The One Roger Goodell Wants The Most: Sucking Black Hole vs. The 49ers (Two teams that have a heritage. The idea of The Team of The 80′s vs. The Team of The 00′s. The Young Turk Vs. The Wiley Veteran.)

The Most Entertaining: Ravens vs. 49ers (The Harbaugh Bowl….sorry, that’s all I got, but imagine the two brothers getting into a fistfight at halftime in front of Beyonce!)

The One Only Atlanta and Boston Want To See: Sucking Black Holes vs. Falcons (….at least you get to exploit the idea that this will be New England’s second Super Bowl loss in a row.)

I’m not sure what’s going down next week, although if myself and TO.com maven Kelen Conley can put it together, what may go down is a really big surprise for people who love their clueless commentary in their earholes. Regardless, see you next week!

Last Week: 3-1
Season: 156-123-1 (.557)

Moves Like Curtis: Divisional Weekend 2013!

Thomas Deja — Sat, 12 Jan 2013 01:17:06 +0000

We’re now into what many people consider the most exciting week of the football season, and I can see why. You’ve still get four games over two days like last week, and the teams that are participating in them are true contenders. There are still the stray lucky teams that squirt through (I’m looking at you, Football Jebus Led Broncos of 2012), but mostly we’re dealing with squads that have their playoff game faces on and know what they’re doing.

Plus these days I usually get the joy of watching The Sucking Black Hole collapse like a house of tissue paper cards. But we’ll get to that later…

Just a reminder–I’m still looking for superfans to step up and join the MlC Synod of 32 and represent their team in a special project I’m working on with TricycleOffense.com High Pooba Kelen Conley. I still need a lot of teams represented, so please contact me through the site, or through my Facebook (I use my own name, so it’s not hard to find).

The Games!

Ravens Vs. Broncos (Saturday 4:30 p.m.)

You remember how back in the regular season I said that teams can’t survive on emotion? Well, that goes out the window with the playoffs, because most of the times emotion is all a team has.

And I think that might be why I’m going to go with the Ravens. This team knows the emotional center of its franchise right from the start, Ray Lewis, is on his final ride. Add into the fact that the Ravens are always a much different team in the playoffs and its hard to pick against them…

Even against the New-Look Fetus Head-led Broncos. Granted, the sheer presence of Fetus Head energizes the offense something fierce…but I don’t think the defense is going to stop the Marlboro Man as effectively as Baltimore’s might stop Denver. Plus we’ve got that weird, uncanny ability of the Ravens to humiliate those teams in the playoffs that humiliated them in the regular season. It’s going to be a tight game–expect the differential to be less than a possession–but the Purple and Black will fly outta Mile High ready to contend for the AFC Championship.

Packers Vs. 49ers (Saturday 8:00 p.m.)

And speaking of tough fought games…this one is going to be hard to call. After puttering through the season like a busted-up old Hyundai, the Pack has been getting hot going into the playoffs, whereas the 49ers seem to have gotten unsteady.

The other thing we need to take into account is the Myth Of The Bye-Week Advantage. Look at how many Wild Card teams have made–and won–the Super Bowl in recent memories. I have come to believe that sometimes, especially with certain teams, the Bye-Week actually serves to ice any momentum a team may have going into the playoffs, resulting in a squad that takes the field rusty and out of sorts. I think this may happen to San Francisco, especially considering that the team is being headed by a quarterback who is relatively inexperienced in the way the playoffs changes the face of the game.

I think the combination of a Green Bay team that’s heating up combined with a San Francisco team that’s been sitting on its ass for an extra week is going to lead to a Packers victory by about a possession and a half.

Seahawks Vs. Falcons (Sunday 1 p.m.)

How ’bout them Seahawks? This is a truly tough team led by a truly gifted rookie quarterback supported by a gifted running back…and let’s not forget the nightmare of a defensive line and a horrifying secondary. This is the team that might shock the world something fierce…and how better to shock the world by taking out the Best Team This Season.

But my worry is that Atlanta is just Too. Damn. Good. This is a team that’s been running like a well-design clock, and they’re very adaptable. I think that this may end up being a slaughter, with the Falcons putting up two possession or more over the ‘Hawks. But in my heart, I’ll be rooting for Seattle, Russell Wilson, the Legion of Boom and everyone. And if they win, I will do that silly little horsey PYT dance all over Myrtle Avenue.

Texans Vs. The Sucking Black Hole Of Evil (Sunday 4:30 p.m.)

And speaking of things I want to see that I will most likely not get to see…I love the Texans; they’re the home of one of my favorite non-Jets players, J.J. ‘The Juggernaut’ Watt. And I dream of seeing J.J. standing over the sacked and rattled corpus of New England’s crybaby quarterback and giving his signature salute to the Foxboro faithful. I love how Arian Foster can run at will on the stoutest defense, and how Matt Schaub is a passing fool.

…but as much as I hate those navy-and-silver clowns, as much as I want them to go down now, as positive as I am that New England is on the downward side of their bell curve and will not make the Super Bowl this year–or ever again as long as the Sweatshirt is coach (last year was literally luck; if the Steelers were healthy last year, they would have advanced to the Division, trampled all over New England and become the Super Bowl Champs), they will win over Houston. This is going to be a much rougher game for both sides than last year’s tilts, and there will be a number of lead changes. But in the end, The Sucking Black Hole will advance to the AFC Championship by one possession–and then go smack into the unpassable wall that will be the Ravens…

…but that’ll be for next week. Enjoy the games, everyone!

Last Week: 3-1
Season: 153-122-1 (.554)

Moves Like Curtis: Wild Card Weekend 2013!

Thomas Deja — Sat, 05 Jan 2013 19:56:00 +0000

Well, here we are–playoff time!

We begin with the Wild Card round, featuring a number of teams no one expected to make it this far.

Since there will only be four games, I decided to add a little extra at the end, with a discussion of which teams each of the Bye-Round teams does and does not want to see next week.

…and just another reminder–I’m still looking for fans who are willing to sit down with me and discuss your favorite team and what they have to do to get better for 2013. I’ve got fans ready to talk about the Packers, the Cowboys, the Raiders, the Falcons, and the Seahawks (And needless to say, but I don’t need anyone fort he Paper Planes). If you’re a nut for any of the other teams, let me know through either this site or my Facebook page.

So let’s get to it, then!

The Games!

Bengals vs. Texans (Saturday, 4:30 p.m.)

This is the second year in a row where Cincinnati has faced Houston. If you recall correctly, the Texans beat the stuffings out of Football Spock and his crew, and did so with back-up quarterback T.J. Yates. If anything, the Texans are a better team than they were in 2012. As great as Yates was, Schaub is better. The defense has gotten stouter, and J.J. Watt is even more of an insanely talented tackler and ball hawk. I can’t see this not being a repeat of last year’s tilt, with Houston winning by about two possessions.

Vikings vs. Packers (Saturday 8:00 p.m.)

The only ‘ooops, we’re playing each other a third time?’ game, this features one of four legitimate surprise teams this weekend. Even with the amazing Adrian Peterson–and make no bones about it, Peterson has been going above and beyond in carrying this team on his back–no one expected to see Minnesota in the playoffs. Hell, even without the Bears doing the flame-out that cost Lovie Smith his job, the Vikes deserve to be in Wild Card Weekend.

And if ever there was a time when they could shock the world, it’s now. The Packers have been frustratingly inconsistent all season, losing games they should have won and shaving things way too close. If Minnesota can establish Peterson early on, they should win this game after a long, grueling back-and-forth tug of war by about a possession.

Colts vs. Ravens (Sunday 1 p.m.)

And here’s maybe the single most unlikely of the surprise teams, the Colts. Andrew Luck has been everything Jim Irsay has been saying and more. He may be still raw, but he’s got all the qualities a quarterback needs. And Indianapolis has a good offense and defense built around their Chosen One. This is a team that, as structured, will be a perennial playoff teams for years to come.

And much like the Vikings above, they’ve got the Ravens at the best possible time. The Ravens limped into the playoffs thanks to winning games against teams–like the Steelers–who ended up underperforming due to injuries. But Baltimore’s defense not only lost its most valuable player in Ray Lewis, it’s seen its other big pieces all banged up to Hell. There are holes in there–very small holes–that the Colts can exploit. Plus we’ve got the Marlboro Man’s performance degrading (oddly enough, at about the same time he shaved off that goofy fu-manchu ‘stache…a connection?). That doesn’t mean that the Ravens can’t win; if Ray Rice can get his run on, that’ll stretch the field enough for the Ravens to pass all over the Colts secondary. This game can go either way, but I’ll call it for the Ravens–they’ve been here before, they tend to play tougher in the playoffs, and they can exploit Luck’s inexperience.

Seahawks vs. Native Americans (Sunday 4:30 p.m.)

I admit it–I’m arguably looking forward to this game the most of the four. This is a meet-up between the other two surprise films. I have been rather taken with the Seahawks and their ugly-ass uniforms. Pete Carroll really has put something together here, with a tough secondary (but not as tough as one possessed by a certain group of Paper Planes; sorry, Paul) and an amazing find in Russell Wilson. Wilson is maybe even more of a great find than Luck, a man who managed to keep the team undefeated at home.

And then there’s Washington. After that disastrous season where Shanahan couldn’t decide who was his quarterback, he seems to have found the solution in RG3. As with every Shanahan team, the Native Americans’ run game is strong, and they’re kicking all sorts of ass. However, I have to stick with my contention that a running QB will never win a championship–there’s a certain massive collision in Mr. Griffin’s future if he tries to run for it, and that’ll be the end of it. When all is said and done, I trust Wilson and the Seahawks’ defense more than RG3 and Washington’s offense, resulting in a Seattle win by about a possession and a half.

The Guys Sitting This Week Out

The Sucking Black Hole Of Evil

Who They Don’t Want To See Next Week: The Ravens

If it wasn’t for a few unfortunate mistakes at the last minute, it would be Baltimore hoisting the Lombardi Trophy last year. The Ravens know how to hurry up the Crybaby Quarterback and shatter his confidence. Trust me, they do not want a post-season rubber match with this team.

Who They Do Want To See Next Week: The Colts

The Sucking Black Hole can easily exploit the inexperience of a new configuration of their old foes, resulting in one of those astronomically high scores that will fool everyone into thinking that New England is the Greatest Team EEEEeeeeevah.

The Broncos

Who They Don’t Want To See Next Week: The Texans

If it wasn’t for that last minute slip-up in Week 17, Houston would be where they are…plus Fetus Head will have to stare down a defense that knows how to decimate him utterly, and has had lots of experience dealing with him when he was a Colt.

Who They Do Want To See Next Week: The Bengals

Just as with the Colts above, the Bengals’ relative inexperience can be easily exploited by Fetus Head’s adaptive mind.

The 49ers

Who They Don’t Want To See Next Week: The Seahawks

Seattle knows San Francisco too well, and they have enough of a knowledge of their home field that it might eliminate the one advantage they might have. Add in that muscular secondary, and we’ve got a group that could bust up San Fran’s Super Bowl dreams.

Who They Do Want To See Next Week: The Packers

Precisely because Green Bay is so shaky, I can see Colin Kaepernick going insane on the banged up Pack.

The Falcons

Who They Don’t Want To See Next Week: The Vikings

I think as good as Atlanta is at being a game winner, the idea of facing The Vikes must give them fits, especially given how adaptable their offense seems to have been throughout the season.

Who They Do Want To See Next Week: The Native Americans

The simple fact is that whatever the results of the Seattle/Washington tilt will result in a winner who is messed up. And I can see Matty Ice, Julio Jones and the group exploiting that messed-up-edness with Washington.

Moves Like Curtis: Epilepsy Can Ruin Division Titles (Week 17)

Thomas Deja — Sun, 30 Dec 2012 16:30:27 +0000

And with this, Rivalry Weekend, the 2012 campaign is over for almost everyone.

As with the last few seasons, this final weekend sees teams playing their division rivals. Supposedly this was started by Roger Goodell to encourage viewers to, you know, care about what sometimes amounts to a slew of junk games. And this season we’ve got…what amounts to a bunch of junk game, as the majority of the playoff slots are filled and teams are entering this Sunday with one eye on their tee time this Monday. Those who still have a hope of sliding into the playoffs are facing a very, very narrow window to sneak through indeed.

Before we begin, I want to once again remind everyone I’m looking for knowledgeable superfans to talk to me about what their teams need to improve for 2013. Contact me through TricycleOffense.com.

That out of the way, let’s get to it…

Sunday Games, 1:00 p.m.

Buccaneers (6-9, lost v. Rams) vs. Falcons (13-2, won v. Lions, 1st Seed NFC South)

This is pretty much a junk game if it wasn’t for Tampa Bay being one of those teams that played, thanks to Greg Schiano, tougher than their record indicated. There’s no way for the Bucs to play spoiler, as Atlanta has the 1st Seed locked in, but there’s always pride. Given that Schiano is a bit of a, ummmm, hard coach not above doing some low things (remember that kneel down surge in their game versus the Giants?), I can almost see the Bucs trying some pretty desperate schemes so they can exit the season on a high note.

Doesn’t mean they’ll win, though. Expect Atlanta to win by a possession and a half.

Paper Planes (6-9, lost v. Chargers) vs. Our Bitch (5-10, lost v. Dolphins)

And speaking of ending the season on a high note…grumblemutter…

Given their terrible season, there’s going to be some shake-ups on both ends. It looks like Buffalo’s coach is gone, and The Repeater will be driven out of New Jersey on a rail. There’s nothing to play for here–not even pride, as that left these teams a long time ago.

When all is said and done, there’s a reason why I call Buffalo ‘Our Bitch.’ Expect the Paper Planes to soar into a one possession or less victory.

Ravens (10-5, won v. Giants, 4th Seed AFC North) vs. Bengals (9-6, won v. Steelers, Projected 6th Seed Wild Card)

The only thing that can be decided here is Cincinnati’s Wild Card position. And given how Football Spock and his crew have been surging, and the way the Bengals seem to be able to smack around the AFC North fellows at will, expect Da Tigers to win by a possession.

Browns (5-10, lost v. Broncos) vs. Steelers (7-8, lost v. Bengals)

I still hold a lot of affection for what has developed in Cleveland. Even though it seemed like a joke that the Browns were going to go with over-aged rookie Brandon Weeden and unproven running back Trent Richardson, both have proven more than up to the task, and have helped the team surprise everyone by playing tough and garnering a bigger record than anyone expected.

…and I was going to call the game for them, because they’ve got the Steelers at a time when they’ve very beatable. The always injury-prone Ben Roethlisberger seems to have had trouble bouncing back from his latest trip to the doctor and their defense is so banged up they’re actually porous. A Cleveland Browns team as configured could easily beat Pittsburgh if they were healthy. So I guess it’s lucky for Mike Tomlin that both Weeden and Richardson are out for this game. Expect the Steelers to squeak by in a painful to watch game by a field goal or less.

Bears (9-6, won v. Cardinals, Potential NFC Wild Card) vs. Lions (4-11, lost v. Falcons)

And here are the dregs of the NFC North. And don’t get me wrong–even though the Bears were on top of creation for a brief period this season, they squandered this lead away with shaky offensive play. And the Lions have just regressed thoroughly this season, seeming to play more like the national joke they were and not the playoff team they showed they could be last year. I think that Chicago will barely win over the Lions by about a possession and a half.

Gerbils (2-13, lost v. Sucking Black Hole Of Evil) vs. Titans (5-10, lost v. Packers)

Oh, Lord…talk about junk games. This is a pointless little match-up which will decide nothing except which AFC South team will suck the least. And the toughest thing about choosing a winner here is that since Chad Henne has been starting for the Gerbils, their QB play is about even. I suspect that by the sheer dint that the Titans have all their mediocre offensive weapons while the Gerbils don’t, Tennessee will take this ugly game by a possession or less.

Eagles (4-11, lost v. Native Americans) vs. Giants (8-7, lost v. Ravens, Potential NFC Wild Card)

Much like the Bears/Lions tilt, this is a game between the dregs of the NFC East. The Eagles are just a total mess, and it saddens me that this awful team will be the final moments of Andy Reid’s formidable CV. And the Giants managed to piss away their division championship by playing as if they’re suffering from epilepsy. The only reason–the only reason–the Giants are going to win this game by a possession or less is simply because they’re more organized than the Eagles.

Panthers (6-9, won v. Raiders) vs. Saints (7-8, won v. Cowboys)

This is a lot tougher to call then you’d think. Carolina has been surging in this last handful of games, and that’s built a confidence that made them on par with this year’s bloody, limping but unbowed Saints team. I think that the Panthers’ confidence combined with their Ric Flair desire to ‘beat the man to be the man’ might actually put them over New Orleans by less than a possession.

Texans (12-3, lot v. Vikings, 1st Seed AFC South) vs. Colts (10-5, won v. Chiefs, Projected 6th Seed Wild Card)

Who knew at the beginning of this season that Andrew Luck would lead his team into the playoffs–well, besides the Polians? The Colts have had some natural luck come their way, but the bulk of the responsibility for this success is just really great ball play. It almost seems cruel that their last regular season appearance is against the nigh unstoppable Texans….especially given that The Texans have something to play for. If they don’t win, after all, Houston potentially loses their first-round bye and their home-field advantage throughout the playoffs. I suspect that the superior Houston defense (which features one of my favorite non-Paper Planes players, J.J. ‘The J is For Juggernaut’ Watt) will step up and prevent Luck from doing his thing, allowing Matt Schaub and Co. to run up a two possession or more victory.

Sunday Games, 4:30 p.m.

Packers (11-4, won v. Titans, 2nd Seed NFC North) vs. Vikings (9-6, won v. Texans, Projected 6th Seed)

This is one of the better potential games this week, because both teams have something to play for. The Packers get a first round bye if they win, and the Vikings–another team like the Colts that a lot was not expected–gets a Wild Card if they win. So I expect a very hard fought three hours, with a couple of lead changes. In the end, I expect Adrian Peterson will carry this team on his back to slip past the Pack by a possession or less.

Rams (7-7-1, won v. Bucs) vs. Seahawks (10-5, won v. 49ers, Projected 5th Seed)

I could give you a whole lot of reasoning, but the two facts that matter are this:

1) Seattle needs this game to remain a playoff team and
2) Seattle never loses with Russell Wilson under center on their home field.

So the Seahawks will win, assuring us the sight of those ugly-ass jerseys for at least another week. It’s as simple as that. I anticipate a possession and a half differential.

Dolphins (7-8, won v. Our Bitch) vs. The Sucking Black Hole Of Evil (11-4, won v. Gerbils, 3rd Seed AFC East)

I think we can all safely say that every other team in the AFC East hates The Sucking Black Hole with a passion. And when all the other teams have had substandard, losing seasons, nothing pleases those teams more than the chance to deny The Sucking Black Hole something they want….which is why you should expect the Dolphins to pull out all stops in doing what they can to beat the crap out of New England and, through a loss, deny them a chance for a first round bye. And as we’ve seen in past seasons, Miami knows how to give their most hated foes fits. So expect a Dolphins win by a possession, New England to have to play in a Wild Card game, the Crybaby Quarterback to make that stupid pouty-puss face on the sidelines, the Sinister Sweatshirt to disappear, and me jumping up and down for joy.

Chiefs (2-13, lost v. Colts) vs. Broncos (12-3, won v. Browns, 2nd Seed AFC West)

A lot of the scenarios for other teams in the AFC playoffs requires a Denver loss.

They’re playing the Chiefs.

That isn’t going to happen. Expect Fetus Head Peyton Manning to still be scoring touchdowns late Monday morning on Kansas City. From his home.

Raiders (4-11, lost v. Panthers) vs. Chargers (6-9, won v. Paper Planes)

Do I really have to speak on this game? I don’t care how San Diego might be crowing over their win last week–they suck. So do the Raiders. There’s no reason to watch this game, even if you are a fan of either the Raiders or the Chargers. I am going to give it to Oakland because they’re putting Spaghetti Arm on the bench, and because I want Kelen to have something to cheer about this dismal week.

Cardinals (5-10, lost v. Bears) vs. 49ers (10-4-1. lost v. Vikings, 3rd Seed NFC West)

Dear NFL Schedulers,

Thank you for giving us Arizona for our last game this season, as you’ve assured us we’ll be in the playoffs for the second straight year.

Your fans, the 49ers.

Sunday Game 8:30 p.m.

Cowboys (8-7, lost v. Saints, Potential NFC Wild Card) vs. Native Americans (9-6, won v. Eagles, 4th Seed NFC East)

And here’s the other game with serious implications. Namely, if you win, you’re in. Not only are you in, you win the NFC East. I think that when all is said and done, Washington has been playing tougher than the shaky ‘Boys, which means that they will enter the postseason to flame out on Wild Card Weekend by roughly a possession and a half.

See you for Wild Card Weekend!

Moves Like Curtis: You Mad, Bro? (Week 16)

Thomas Deja — Sun, 23 Dec 2012 16:49:51 +0000

You’ll notice there’s no Monday Night Game. That’s because some years ago some church-type people got all bent out of shape because the NFL dared put football games on Christmas Eve…so we’re getting Monday off.

So let’s get to it, then…

Saturday Game, 8:30 p.m.

Falcons (12-2, won v. Giants, 1st Seed NFC South) vs. Lions (4-10, lost v. Cardinals)

The Falcons are gaining momentum–and given that they were pretty nasty to begin with, gaining momentum is akin to a tiger waking up to find another tiger strapped to its back. There is a good chance that Atlanta is unstoppable going into the playoffs (once they’re in the playoffs is another thing altogether, but we’ll get to that once we hit Wildcard weekend). And given that the Football Gods have decided to throw Detroit’s suffering Lions to them for a week sixteen opponent, Matt Stafford and company don’t stand a chance. Expect a lop-sided, painful to watch win, with Atlanta going over the Lions by three possessions or more.

Sunday Games, 1:00 p.m.

Titans (5-9, won v. Paper Planes) vs. Packers (10-4, won v. Bears, 3rd Seed NFC North)

There was a span of, oh, about twenty minutes where I thought Tennessee might actually be about to make something of themselves. Jake Locker’s performance seems to have shaped up into a dead cat bounce, and the Titans are back to being suck monsters. Hell, if it wasn’t for the fact that The Paper Planes are striving really hard to be even bigger Suck Monsters, they would have lost on Monday night. They’re just not very good, what with a porous defense and a quarterback who simply doesn’t have anything in the neighborhood of an arm.

Which is why they will prove to be the perfect tune-up for Green Bay. The Pack has been unsteady all season, but they seem to be stable. The only thing that worries me about them is their uncanny habit of losing to teams they really shouldn’t have, and losing badly. Still, even with all the shakiness in their game, Green Bay should easily trample Tennessee by a possession and a half.

Vikings (8-6, won v. Rams, Potential NFC Wild Card) vs. Texans (12-2, won v. Colts,1st Seed AFC South)

As bad as Christian Ponder is–and he has regressed in this second half of the season almost as badly as Mark Sanchez–it’s to Minnesota’s credit that they’ve continued to move forward, grinding out enough wins to still be a legitimate playoff team this late in the game. The only thing that’s keeping the Vikes out of a Wild Card slot is the rubbery play of the receiving corps.

And given that the Texans are still One Of The Best In The Business, and J.J. Watt is probably smacking his lips in anticipation of sacking Ponder, like, a billion times, Minnesota will end up being a one dimensional team….and one dimensional teams is dessert for Houston. Expect a Texans win by one to two possessions.

Rams (6-7-1, lost v. Vikings, Potential NFC Wild Card) vs. Buccaneers (6-8, lost v. Saints)

And here we’ve got two teams going in different directions. To my surprise, St. Louis has been playing each game tough, and even though they’re still not great, they’re good enough to be a player in the postseason race. And Tampa Bay started out strong but has been slipping, almost as if they’re willfully trying to knock themselves out of playoff contention. The offense is pretty evenly matched (although I still think Josh Freeman is a better QB than Sam Bradford)…but I think the defense of the Rams, combined with Jeff Fisher’s play calling, is what is going to lead St. Louis to a narrow, one possession victory.

Native Americans (8-6, won v. Browns, 4th Seed NFC East) vs. Eagles (4-10, lost v. Bengals)

This is going to be painful. The Native Americans have found themselves in the position to win a division championship, and they need to fight hard to keep that position….

…except that they’ve got the wreck where the Eagles once stood. Philadelphia is way beyond hopeless, even with the slight signs of life they’ve shown in recent games. I doubt that the Eagles will reach double digits in this game no matter who’s under center. Expect Washington to beat Philly like the team collectively owns them money, with a win by over two possessions.

Saints (6-8, won v. Native Americans) vs. Cowboys (8-6, won v. Steelers, Potential NFC Wild Card)

And speaking of people who stumbled into playoff positioning….meet the Cowboys, who may very well have saved Jason Garrett’s job by beating Pittsburgh and crawling into a potential Wild Card berth. Of course, no one by die-hard ‘Boys fans (Hi, Zach!) know how unsteady Dallas truly is. This is not a solid team by a long shot, and that unsteadiness is what is going to foul up their dreams thanks to the surging Saints. After all, there’s nothing quite as dangerous as a team with nothing to lose, except a team with nothing to lose that has Drew Brees under center. Expect one of those games with lots of lead changes, resulting in New Orleans winning by less than a possession.

Chargers (5-9, lost v. Panthers) vs. Paper Planes (6-8, lost v. Titans)

sigh…

I know you all have been waiting for my rant on what happened on Monday, but trust me–it’s too long and too foul-mouthed for me to post it here. Let’s agree to reconvene after the Super Bowl and I’ll outline exactly why this team was screwed from early this summer.

(And let me once again state that I’m still looking for super-fans who would like to discuss their teams’ needs for 2013. Please contact me through TricycleOffense.com.)

The Chargers are wretched, and thankfully we’ve got Greg McElroy starting. I think the unfamiliarity of McElroy may result in a dead cat bounce that will give the Paper Planes a false sense of competency and a win by less than one possession.

Raiders (4-10, won v. Chiefs) vs. Panthers (5-9, won v. Chargers)

Congratulations, Raiders! You come off a confidence building win against the Chiefs only to walk into the buzzsaw of a newly confident Panthers team. Hopefully Carolina will leave enough pieces left to put you back together after their two possession win.

Our Bitch (5-9, lost v. Seahawks) vs. Dolphins (6-8, won v. Gerbils, Potential AFC Wild Card)

You know what’s going to really suck? Having the Dolphins solidify their Wild Card chances by smacking Buffalo around for three hours. Miami should win by about a possession and a half.

Bengals (8-6, won v. Eagles, Potential AFC Wild Card) vs. Steelers (7-7, lost v. Cowboys, Potential AFC Wild Card)

Another game that can kill a team’s hope. If Football Spock and his crew can triumph over the Steelers, they effectively kick Pittsburgh out of the hunt. And given how really shaky the Black N’ Gold have been–something we should be used to whenever Ben Roethlisberger gets hurt–it seems like it’s a distinct possibility. Expect Cincinnati to pull ahead late in the 2nd Quarter to win by less than a possession.

The Sucking Black Hole of Loserness (10-4, lost v. 49ers, 2nd Seed AFC East) vs. Gerbils (2-12, lost v. Dolphins)

Oh, you stupid, stupid Sucking Black Holes might feel all smug, knowing you’re going to the playoffs…but you do know deep in your dark, dark hole of a heart that you’re going to fold badly once the postseason begins, right? Hell, San Francisco felt so sorry for you they let you back in the game, and you still couldn’t win, could you? You mad, bro? You mad?

Boy, you should be grateful you got the Gerbils and the Dolphins to play these last two weeks. You can do that stanky ‘running up the score’ trick you do on people to convince them you’re the Best Eeeever going into the playoffs…but we know better, don’t we bro?

Enjoy this bajillion possession win against one of the worst teams in the NFL…because I’ll be laughing when you fall hard come the playoffs.

Colts (9-5, lost v. Texans, Potential AFC Wildcard) vs. Chiefs (2-12, lost v. Raiders)

The Colts are not going to win this because the Chiefs are wretchedly bad. The Colts are going to win by a possession because they’re genuinely good.

Sunday Games, 4:30 p.m

Browns (5-9, lost v. Native Americans) vs. Broncos (11-3, won v. Ravens, 2nd Seed AFC West)

Don’t let their record fool you–the Browns have been good, winning four games out of the last six, and giving legitimately better teams fit even when they lose. Cleveland may very well be the team to watch in 2013, a team that might actually make serious noise–hell, may even make the playoffs for the first time in, like, centuries.

And even though they’re going to lose to the Broncos. they’ll make it a hard-fought game. Expect Denver to squeak by with a less than possession win.

Giants (8-6, lost v. Falcons, Potential NFC Wild Card) vs. Ravens (9-5, lost v. Broncos, 4th Seed AFC North)

And here we have two teams struggling to stay in the postseason. The Ravens have had their defense tore up, while the Giants have seen their offense go off the rails in the last few weeks. However, the Ravens’ offense has been…shaky of late, which makes me wonder if they can overcome Big Blue’s still effective defense. Add in that New York has something to prove after their disastrous tilt versus Atlanta, and I think the Giants might pull this out by a narrow margin of a possession or less.

Bears (8-6, lost v. Packers, Potential NFC Wild Card) vs. Cardinals (5-9, won v. Lions)

The Bears, after a strong showing this season, seem to have fallen apart. Maybe the tension that has always been a part of the organization due to Kid Nastyman’s attitude has finally expressed itself on the field, but Chicago is suddenly beatable…and with the Cardinals finally coming off the snide, there’s a real strong chance that Arizona will beat them. Expect the Cards to somehow keep in the game and sneak past a win by less than a possession.

Sunday Game 8:30 p.m.

49ers (10-3-1, won v. The Sucking Black Hole of Loserness, 2nd Seed NFC West) vs. Seahawks (9-5, won v. Our Bitch, Potential NFC Wild Card)

There’s a reason this game is the marquee game for the week–this game literally decides the fate of both teams. If the 49ers drop this one, they end up tying with the ‘Hawks, and may very well lose out to Seattle due to the tiebreakers. That means San Fran falls to a Wild Card slot while Seattle slides into a 2nd Seed–which is entirely to their advantage, as the team is unbeatable this season. And given that the game is being played in Seattle, I am pretty confident in calling it for the Seahawks by a possession and a half.

See you for Rivalry Weekend!

Moves Like Curtis: Junk Games and Playoff Positioning (Week 15)

Thomas Deja — Sun, 16 Dec 2012 14:20:07 +0000

No preamble this week…I’m filing this under the wire. Let’s get to it, then!

Sunday Games, 1:00 p.m.

Native Americans (7-6, won v. Ravens, Potential NFC Wild Card) vs. Browns (5-8, won v. Chiefs)

Throughout this season, I’ve been talking about how the Browns are a much tougher team than their record indicates. Cleveland is young and they’re always in games until the end. Hell, they’ve won five of their last eight games. And even though their chance of making the playoffs this year is gone, the Browns can build up confidence for next season by playing Spoiler.

And they can Spoil something fierce if they manage to throw a monkey wrench into Washington’s playoff run. And I think Mike Shanahan knows it, judging from the way he’s being cagey about whether Cousins or RG III will start (and how’d you like to have this conundrum, having to choose between two great QBs?).¹ This is gonna be a tough, exciting game that could go either way…and I’m going to root for Cleveland to take it by a possession or less.

Colts (9-4, won v. Titans, Potential AFC Wild Card) vs. Texans (11-2, lost v. The Sucking Black Hole of Evil, 1st Seed AFC South)

I really suspect that the shellacking the Texans got at the hands of The Sucking Black Hole might have really unnerved them–it’s the worst loss they’ve had in a while, the kind of loss that will haunt them for the rest of the season….and given how Indianapolis is playing really hot, I suspect that this will be another heartbreaker for them. Oh, still expect my man J.J. Watt to be standing over Andrew Luck saluting the crowd because, you know, he’s awesome….but the Colts will eventually eke out a victory, shocking Houston into silence, by a possession and a half.

Broncos (10-3, won v. Raiders, 3rd Seed AFC West) vs. Ravens (9-4, lost v. Native Americans, 4th Seed AFC North)

Someone is going to be going home with their playoff spirits crushed this weekend. Both teams are tentatively holding onto their second-tier playoff spots, and need to win this to keep from dropping into Wild Card territory. On top of that, Denver is the odd man out, having to play without the advantage of their home field.

The key, if Denver is to win, lies in rattling The Marlboro Man, Joe Flacco. Joe is a good manager, but can be erratic–and with the Ravens defense being a little banged up, the Broncos can take advantage of that weakness. Peyton The Fetus Head is having a banner year, which may result in a high-passing game that will lead to Ed Reed picks and a couple of lead changes. But I think the Broncos will score more than the Ravens defense, leading to a Denver win by a possession and a half.

Gerbils (2-11, lost v. Paper Planes) vs. Dolphins (5-8, lost v. 49ers)

Welcome To The Land Of Junk Games!

Neither team has a chance to get into the playoffs, even with the surprising performance from Miami this season. And while Chad Henne is indisputably playing a better game (in that he seems to actually be playing something recognizable as football), and has been hitting his receivers with much more accuracy than Blane “The Lame” Gabbert, Jacksonville simply can’t score worth a damn. So barring another freak game, expect the Dolphins to leap into the winner’s circle by two to three possessions.

Vikings (7-6, won v. Bears, Potential NFC Wild Card) vs. Rams (6-6-1, won v. Bills, Potential NFC Wild Card)

Here we’ve got two teams that desperately need a win to keep their playoff hopes arrive. What is going to play a huge factor is which Christian Ponder shows up–because if we get Goofball Ponder, the team will collapse no matter how many carries they give Adrian Peterson. And I think that’s what’s going to happen, as the Vikes’ momentum has been decaying over the last few weeks. Expect St. Louis to win by about a possession and a half.

Buccaneers (6-7, lost v. Eagles) vs. Saints (5-8, lost v. Giants)

And here’s another Junk Game, albeit one that’s much more interesting. Both teams are pretty much out of playoff contention, but there’s a lot of pride to be gained by at least going 8-8. I think New Orleans needs it more, especially given all they’ve been though, and they’ll toughen up to snatch victory from the Bucs by two possessions.

Giants (8-5, won v. Saints, 4th Seed NFC East) vs. Falcons (11-2, lost v. Panthers, 1st Seed NFC South)

And here’s the antithesis of a Junk Game–two real tough contenders, one secure in their seeding and the other finding themselves fighting for their lives. Even with their loss to the Panthers last week, I don’t think the wheels have fallen off the Falcons just yet, while the Giants are playing unsteadily. The Dirty Birds should take out Big Blue by two possessions.

Packers (9-4, won v. Lions, 3rd Seed NFC North) vs. Bears (8-5, lost v. Vikings, Potential NFC Wild Card)

The Bears are really playing badly. Really badly. They seem to be spinning out of control, and Green Bay should take full advantage of this potential train wreck to pound Kid Nastyman and his Sidekick Marshall Sticky-Hands into the dust by about two possessions or more.

Sunday Games, 4:30 p.m

Seahawks (8-5, won v. Cardinals, 5th Seed NFC North) vs. Our Bitch (5-8, lost v. Rams)

This is going to be an ugly, one-sided game. I’m surprised Our Bitch actually got up to five wins given the total unreliability of Buffalo’s offense. Even without The Power Of Da Ugly-Ass Uniforms, Seattle should skin Buffalo alive by two to three possessions.

Panthers (4-9, won v. Falcons) vs. Chargers (5-8, won v. Steelers, Potential AFC Wild Card)

This is pretty interesting, as the Panthers seem to be gaining ground, getting more and more effective while the Chargers have this uncanny talent to put on their big boy pants in December that used to secure them a playoff berth early in Norv ‘Good Enough For Government Work’ Turner. But I think Carolina will prevail given San Diego’s overall suckiness by about a possession or less.

Lions (4-9, lost v. Packers) vs. Cardinals (4-9, lost v. Paper Planes)

I bet the Lions are really, really happy they’re getting the Cardinals…my God, Arizona is a team that’s dropped nine games in a row. If it wasn’t for that initial four game win streak, the Cards may have matched Detroit’s previous notoriety as a team with a no-win season. Detroit simply has more offensive weapons, and Arizona has Larry Fitzgerald rolling his eyes every time that idiotic rookie quarterback throws short. Expect the Lions to roar to victory by a possession and a half.

Chiefs (2-11, lost v. Browns) vs. Raiders (3-10, lost v. Broncos)

And now we return to the Land Of The Junk Games, with a game that will decide nothing except which team will get the second pick in the 2013 draft (I think it’s a given that the Gerbils have the first pick locked up right about now). This is going to be another Paper Planes/Gerbils travesty, with very low scoring. I’m giving it to the Raiders by less than a field goal because…well, because Kelen is my friend and I feel for him.

Steelers (7-6, lost v. Chargers, Potential AFC Wild Card) vs. Cowboys (7-6, won v. Bengals, Potential NFC Wild Card)

The Steelers are plummeting. The Cowboys…aren’t. Dallas should win this game by a possession.

Sunday Game 8:30 p.m.

49ers (9-3-1, won v. Dolphins, 2nd Seed NFC West) vs. The Sucking Black Hole of Evil (10-3, won v. Texans, 2nd Seed AFC East)

I am going to be very honest–I am picking this game totally from my irrational fan gut. These teams are very evenly matched, and could result in a low scoring strategic match. It could go either way (although I suspect Kaepernick’s relative inexperience will be San Fran’s downfall), so I will give it to the 49ers because I refuse to back Evil whenever I can.

Monday Game 8:30 p.m.

Paper Planes (6-7, won v. Gerbils, Potential AFC Wild Card) vs. Titans (4-9, lost v. Colts)

Imagine my surprise at writing ‘Potential AFC Wild Card’ next to the Paper Planes’ names. After all, they needed a lot of help, and last week they got it. They still need more help, but claiming Braylon Edwards is part of that help because…well, this’ll be the first time Mark Sanchez will have a receiver he could trust to catch his passes since Holmes went down.

Having both Dustin Keller and Braylon Edwards (who has never played as well as he did here) to rely on might be just the thing to lock in the Paper Planes’ win over Tennessee. The Titans are not good, and are very beatable, with no real offensive weapons to speak of. The Planes will struggle–because they’re the Paper Planes–but they will win by a possession or less, keeping them in the playoff hunt for one more week.

See you next week.

Moves Like Curtis: Russell Wilson is Unbeatable at Home in his Ugly Uniform (Week 14)

Thomas Deja — Sun, 09 Dec 2012 15:19:34 +0000

As we get deeper into this last bit of season, there are changes to the positions in the playoff hunt have been pretty surprising…so let’s get to the games right away.

(And I’m still looking for super-fans for teams other than the Paper Planes, the Cowboys, the Raiders, and the Steelers for a series of articles post-season about what each NFL team needs to do to improve for the 2013 season. Please contact me through the site.)

Firing Train Itinerary

Andy Reid, Norv Turner, Ken Wisenhunt, Chan Gailey, Ron Rivera, Jason Garrett (pending the free agency of Sean Payton)

Sunday Games, 1:00 p.m.

Ravens (9-3, lost v. Steelers, 3rd Seed AFC North) vs. Native Americans (6-6, won v. Giants, Potential NFC Wild Card/NFC East Title)

The Ravens are solid, if shaky. The Native Americans are very solid in their way–thanks to some judicious drafting, Coach Shanahan has fashioned a team that has upset what was believed to be a sure thing, namely a Giants Division Title. Washington has become a major contender, at the very least a spoiler and at the most a definite contender for a division title. And given that Baltimore has been a little shaky offensively and banged up defensively…which makes them ripe for a loss that will consolidate the NA’s position. Now granted, I still believe Joe Flacco is a really good quarterback, and has the edge in experience over RG III…but the Ravens’ vaunted d-line is punched through enough for Washington to run all over them. Expect the Crimson and Gold to triumph narrowly by a possession or less.

Cowboys (6-6, won v. Eagles, Potential NFC Wild Card/NFC East Title) vs. Bengals (7-5, won v. Chargers, Potential AFC Wild Card)

I hope Jerry Jones called up Dan Snyder and thanked him for what Washington did for dem Cowboys. Thanks to that upset on Sunday night, Dallas has gone from being on the verge of becoming inconsequential to a major contender. This is what the ‘Boys desperately needed, and now the pressure is on Tony Romo and company to build on their opportunity…

And what stands in their way? Football Spock and the Tigers….and that may be a bad thing all ’round. Cincinnati also has benefited from the actions of one of their peers; the Steelers’ rout of the Ravens has effectively made it possible for them to snatch the AFC North title from Baltimore. And quite frankly, the Bengals have been getting better with every week, whereas the Cowboys have been consistently inconsistent. So I’m thinking Cincy will win by a possession and a half at most.

Rams (5-6-1, won v. 49ers) vs. Our Bitch (5-7, won v. Gerbils, Potential AFC Wild Card)

While the Rams have been doing better than anyone expected, they’re still not a good team. And, to my utter surprise, Our Bitch is still solidly in the playoff hunt thanks to this weird parity the lesser AFC East teams seem to share. Of course, the major difference is that the Rams have played well enough to give formidable teams like San Francisco fits, while Buffalo…has not. While it’s true that C.J. Spiller has been stepping up, fulfilling the promise he had when Our Bitch drafted him, I have no faith in Ryan Fitzpatrick as a quarterback. And even though the cold will be a factor, given that St. Louis is a dome team, I still expect the Rams to win by roughly a possession.

Eagles (3-9, lost v. Cowboys) vs. Buccaneers (6-6, lost v. Broncos, Potential NFC Wild Card)

There is no help for Andy Reid; Philadelphia has finally self-destructed, a slow, painful process that has taken over a season to complete. This team is thoroughly lost, and–as I think I’ve mentioned before–I do not think they can win another game. These next four matches are a simple gift for the Eagles’ opponent, strengthening their position in the playoff hunt. I expect another ugly, one-sided game with the Bucs triumphing by roughly a possession and a half.

Falcons (11-1, won v. Saints, 1st Seed NFC South) vs. Panthers (3-9, lost v. Chiefs)

…and speaking of one-sided affairs.

The Panthers have serious problems, problems that may not be solved in time for next season. And the Falcons are maybe the most effective team in the NFL right now. There’s still another loss in Atlanta’s future, but it won’t be at Carolina’s hands. Expect a two possession win for Mattie Ice and his crew.

Chiefs (2-10, won v. Panthers) vs. Browns (4-8, won v. Raiders)

The problem with playing from a position of emotion, as Kansas City did last week, is that those performances are very, very fleeting. Soon enough, poor skill reasserts itself and you’re back to playing in a terrible manner. The Chiefs can not maintain that emotionally high level of play anymore, leaving them wide open for the superior and hungry Cleveland team. This will be an easy two possession–or more–win for the Browns.

Chargers (4-8, lost v. Bengals) vs. Steelers (7-5, won v. Ravens, Potential AFC Wild Card)

The Steelers may be bloodied but they have managed to trudge closer and closer to a playoff appearance, which is pretty impressive for a team that was almost written off due to their shakiness. They may be getting some key pieces back which will give San Diego fits. And given how unsteady the Not-So-Super-Chargers are, it’s going to be a pretty awful time for them. Expect Pittsburgh to win by a possession and a half.

Titans (4-8, lost v. Texans) vs. Colts (8-4, won v. Lions, Potential AFC Wild Card)

The Titans are playing tougher than usual right now…but the Andrew Luck Colts are playing even tougher, making their appearance in the playoffs extremely likely. Indianapolis should trample Tennessee easily by two possessions.

Paper Planes (5-7, ‘won’ v. Cardinals, Potential AFC Wildcard) v. Gerbils (2-10, lost v. Our Bitch)

‘Potential AFC Wild Card’. Wow. Didn’t expect to write that this season. Especially after the most embarrassing game that I suspect has ever been played by two professional teams.

And yet, that phrase could seem very, very likely for the ‘Planes. The games Gang Green have for the rest of the season are ridiculously easy, although they will need to beat San Diego and Our Bitch decisively for this to even begin to happen.

And speaking of ridiculously easy–this game isn’t as easy as it looks. The Gerbils have been playing better under Chad Henne, and Henne has beaten the Planes before (3-1 against the team). Of course, the Gerbils will struggle with two of their offensive weapons out…so I’m willing to bet that the Paper Planes, even with Mark Sanchez under center, wins by less than a possession.

Bears (8-4, lost v. Seahawks, Potential NFC Wild Card) vs. Vikings (6-6, lost v. Packers, Potential NFC Wild Card)

See, this is why you have to keep fighting and fighting hard even in the home stretch. Because the Bears let their guard down last week, they’ve been kicked out of their dominance of the NFC North and lost whatever home field advantage they had in the playoffs. Chicago needs to win every game from here on in and hope that Seattle stumbles once, ideally twice.

Thankfully, the Bears have Minnesota this week, who have not totally self-destructed like, let’s say, Arizona or Philadelphia, but are still very shaky. Christian Ponder is simply not doing well, and there’s only so much we can expect Adrian Peterson to carry this team by himself–his shoulders are simply not that broad. This is going to be a low-scoring, toughly played game that will result in a Bears win by less than a possession.

Sunday Games, 4:30 p.m

Dolphins (5-7, lost v. Sucking Black Hole of Evil, Potential AFC Wild Card) vs. 49ers (8-3-1, lost v. Rams, 2nd Seed NFC West)

The Dolphins may be playing much, much better than they should have–unlike, let’s say, the Paper Planes and Our Bitch, they have been playing every game hard. But I can’t see Miami winning against San Francisco, even a San Fran team that’s been playing so erratic. Expect the 49ers to slide into a victory by a possession or less.

Cardinals (4-8, lost v. Paper Planes) vs. Seahawks (7-5, won v. Bears, Potential NFC Wild Card)

And the question is not if the Cards will lose this week–they’re playing in Seattle, where Russell Wilson is simply unbeatable–but if they’ll win a game at all the rest of this season. John Skelton may give Arizona a little bit of a lift, but it won’t stop the Seahawks from smacking the Cards with their weird-looking, ugly ass uniforms by a possession to two possessions.

Saints (5-7, lost v. Falcons) vs. Giants (7-5, lost v. Native Americans)

This game could go either way. The Saints are playing well after that horrific start, while Big Blue seem to be struggling–something we all sort of figured out when we saw them almost lose to the Bucs and get pasted by the Native Americans and the Cowboys. This is the perfect time for the Saints to run into the Giants, as they can easily pad out their win total a bit more in the hopes of climbing back into that playoff race. Add into it the fact that Drew Brees seems to love playing this team, winning again and again and again against this squad, and we may have a tiny bit of an upset. I’m going for New Orleans to win by a possession and a half.

Sunday Game 8:30 p.m.

Lions (4-8, lost v. Colts) vs. Packers (8-4, won v. Vikings, 3rd Seed NFC North)

The Lions need to win this game. Their chances of making the playoffs are almost non-existent at this point, but the more important thing is to avoid slipping back into the dreaded Culture O’ Losing. Detroit has spent so much time working on being better that they can’t afford to become that sad sack little group of mewling kittens who once went 0-16. And luckily for them, the Pack has not been very good…and especially has not been good at home lately. If the Lions man up and pull this off, they’ll act as a spoiler, messing up Green Bay’s playoff run. It’s going to be a close game–we’re talking a field goal or less

Monday Game 8:30 p.m.

Texans (11-1, won v. Titans, 1st Seed AFC South) vs. The Sucking Black Hole of Evil (9-3, won v. Dolphins, 4th Seed AFC East)

Truth be told, this is a game I’ve been waiting for all season…if only because I’ve been dreaming of seeing J.J. Watt standing over the prone body of the Crybaby Quarterback and giving the Foxboro faithful that salute. Multiple times.

The Texans are simply a better team, with a pass rush that will hurry up and knock the Crybaby Quarterback all the way back to his home (Hell, he’ll be crying more than his newborn daughter!). The only thing the Sucking Black Hole can hope for is to frequently switch up between different receivers to confuse Houston’s defense and diffuse the secondary…but I think you need to bet on the red and blue, as they’ll win by about a possession and a half over the Sucking Black Hole.

Thursday Night Games (Week 15) 8:20 p.m.

Bengals v. Eagles

The Bengals are getting better, and the Eagles have reached the point of no return. Football Spock for the win by two to three possessions.

See you next week.

Moves Like Curtis: Fireman Ed Has Had Enough Of The Paper Planes’ [Fans'] S*** (Week 13)

Thomas Deja — Sun, 02 Dec 2012 05:55:53 +0000

So my continued sense of shame carries through to this week with the quitting of Fireman Ed.

Fireman Ed was the guy who, every Jets game, would get on his brother’s shoulder and lead the fans in the ‘J-E-T-S-Jets-Jets-Jets’ chant. He did this for years, and was pretty much Gang Green’s unofficial mascot. He was such a familiar figure in the stands that he’s one of the Super Fans enshrined at Canton.

(Yeah, that’s right. The Football Hall of Fame has a wing devoted to Super Fans, and Fireman Ed is in it. Deal with it.)

Anyway, this past weekend, in the wake of the horrific loss to The Sucking Black Hole of Evil, Fireman Ed announced he was walking away from his position effective immediately. It wasn’t this awful and frustrating season that spurred him to walk away; it was the behavior of the fans. Apparently, according to Ed, this season–the first season he swapped out his old jersey for a Mark Sanchez one–he was frequently confronted by fans under the belief that he was an employee of the Jets seeking to argue with him and pick fights. These knuckleheads, not having access to, let’s say, Rex Ryan or Sanchez, frequently blamed him for the struggles of the team–and let’s not get started with the Football Jebus Supporters, who apparently chose not to emulate their hero’s behavior (as much as I can’t stand Tebow as a player, I will admit that he’s a humble and pleasant man) and harassed Ed because Sanchez remained the starter.

And to add insult to injury, his announcement was met with derision amongst fans in the internet.

Look, people–Fireman Ed’s quitting was important because Football is a game of traditions, and The Super-Fan is a major tradition. Fireman Ed is as important to the mystique of the Jets as Bird Man is to the Eagles, Arrow Man is to the Chiefs, The Black Hole is to the Raiders, The Dawg Pound is to the Browns…well, you get the idea. The reason he made his quitting public is because his presence at every game was important, and his leading the cheer is part of the iconography of the Jets. This week, the first week he won’t be around (he’ll still be at the game, just not in his signature seat) to do so will be sad for me.

Oh, I’m sure there will be someone else who’ll rush in to stand for The Jets–that ‘Captain Jet’ character I see in the stands is a prime example–but we lost a part of our tradition, and it’s because of the fans.

Shame on you, New York Jets fans. Shame on you.

Before we begin, you’ll notice the grid has changed a bit. Since we’re now in the Playoff Hunt of the season, I’ll be adding the potential Seeds for teams that may qualify. This information is taken from NFL.com. Keep in mind, not everyone that could be a Wild Card is mentioned, as there are some teams (and I’m looking at you, Paper Planes) who mathematically could make the playoffs but really are nowhere in that hunt.

And since we’re no longer doing Bye Weeks, I’ve Added a ‘Firing Train Itinerary’ so you can see which coaches are getting ready to ride off into the sunset.

On to the games…

Firing Train Itinerary

Andy Reid, Norv Turner, Ken Wisenhunt, Chan Gailey, Ron Rivera

Sunday Games, 1:00 p.m.

Seahawks (6-5, lost v. Dolphins, 6th Seed NFC West ) vs. Bears (8-3, won v. Vikings, 3rd Seed NFC North)

This is going to be a tough little game. Pete Carroll’s Seahawks has surprised a lot of people, especially considering how their choice of Russell Wilson as their starting quarterback has resulted in their invincibility at home. No one expected them to be good, let alone contending for a Wild Card spot.

Of course, the upshot of this is that this team needs this game badly to retain their position or, even better, nudge the 49ers out of first place (this isn’t so far-fetched a concept, given San Fran’s tie game). They’re going to need to play super-hard in a hostile environment, trying to punch holes in an extremely tough, extremely experienced defense. And I think ultimately it will be the whole Soldier Field factor that will lead to a Seahawks loss by a possession or less.

Texans (10-1, won v. Lions, 1st Seed AFC South) vs. Titans (4-7, lost v. Gerbils, Potential AFC Wild Card)

This is an easy game to pick–after all, we are talking about the Texans, which features one of the most elite running backs, one of the most elite wide receivers, a kick-ass quarterback and the human rejection machine that is J.J. Watt. And the Titans…don’t. Expect Houston to go all David on this Goliath, winning by two to three possessions.

The Sucking Black Hole Of Evil (8-3, won v. Paper Planes, 3rd Seed AFC East) vs. Dolphins (5-6, won v. Seahawks, Potential AFC Wild Card)

This, however, is not such an easy game. The Dolphins are a much better team than we expected, and the Sucking Black Hole of Evil is not as good as their record indicates. Sure, the Sinister Sweatshirt, his Crybaby Quarterback and pretty much are guaranteed the AFC East Title…but they have been beatable by teams they should have lost against; it’s one of the reasons they’re back to running up scores again. I think Miami may be able to exploit the weaknesses in the defense of The Sucking Black Hole, and might be able to pull out a win by a possession or less.

Gerbils (2-9, won v. Titans) vs. Our Bitch (4-7, lost v. Colts)

And talk about Not An Easy Game To Call…the Gerbils are simply a much different team under Chad Henne. Unlike Gabbert, who always looks like he’s lost at sea, Henne has game smarts that were blunted when he was in Miami by the ministrations of The Repeater Tony Sporano. He’s potentially a good game manager, and it doesn’t hurt that he’s got both of the Gerbils’ wide receiver threats, and the team just picked up Jason Babin from the floundering Eagles. Even with being sacked seven times, Henne led the team to a victory against the Titans, who are better than they are.

So imagine how they’ll drub Our Bitch, who is just as bad–if not worse–than the Titans. Henne can certainly out-think Ryan Fitzpatrick, and the anemic offense will get themselves slammed by a team that’s suddenly found their balls. I figure the Gerbils to spank Our Bitch by about a possession and a half in an ugly, ugly game. And if they continue to behave like, you know, an actual football club, I may give them their original nickname back.

49ers (8-2-1, won v. Saints, 2nd Seed NFC West) vs. Rams (4-6-1, won v. Cardinals)

And so the great tie-ers meet again. No matter how you look at St. Louis’ team, you have to give the Rams credit–they gave San Francisco the one game that will give them fits when the playoff seeding comes. And this time the 49ers are coming to the Ram’s home ground, which means there’s going to be a lot of noise they’ll have to deal with. It’s going to end up being a tough game, with lots of lead changes…but I suspect that San Fran, still hurting from that tie that was handed to them, is going to eventually pull out the win by a possession or less.

Colts (7-4, won v. Our Bitch, Potential AFC Wild Card) vs. Lions (4-7, lost v. Texans)

I really had a lot of hope for Detroit, but it looks like they will be on the outside looking in. No matter how hard they try, it doesn’t look they’re going to repeat their entry into the playoffs. And now they’re going up against the team no one expected to be this good, as Indianapolis is re-energized thanks to Andrew Luck’s skill and leadership. And because it’s Indy, another dome team, their potential home field advantage is nullified. I expect that Indianapolis will end up winning by a possession and a half.

Vikings (6-5, lost v. Bears, Potential NFC Wild Card) vs. Packers (7-4, lost v. Giants, Potential NFC Wild Card)

This game could very well dictate which NFC North team becomes a Wild Card. Minnesota has been surprisingly good, even if Christian Ponder has been regressing in the last few weeks. And the Packers have been sputtering a bit, losing their games where they shouldn’t have. Green Bay is going to stumble a bit, especially given how banged up they are. This will be another close game. Expect a couple of lead changes–albeit very brief ones. But in the grand scheme of things, I think Adrian Peterson will be able to punch through the Pack’s D-line, resulting in a win by a possession or less.

Panthers (3-8, won v. Eagles) vs. Chiefs (1-10, lost v. Broncos)

Oh, boy…imagine you’re Cam Newton. Imagine you just beat the stuffings out of the Eagles. What do you think could be the perfect palette cleanser that would build up your confidence and keep you from making weird Hello, Kitty references?

If you said going to visit Kansas City so you could beat down the Chiefs, give yourself a point.

This is not a contest. Expect the Panthers to roar once more, and maybe pull Ron Rivera off the platform where the Firing Train is going to arrive. I expect Carolina to win by a possession and a half.

Cardinals (4-7, lost v. Rams) vs. Paper Planes (4-7, lost v. The Sucking Black Hole Of Evil)

The Cardinals are terrible. So are the Paper Planes. The Cardinals have Larry Fitzgerald, but no one who can accurately pass to him. The Paper Planes don’t have a single offensive weapon worth a damn. The Cardinals have a swiss cheese offense. The Paper Planes also have a swiss cheese offense, but it’s a baby swiss, so there’s smaller holes.

I am going to let my fanaticism fly and say the Paper Planes will pull another one of those massive wins out of their ass, convincing people they’re back on track until they lose miserably to the Chargers in about three weeks. Expect Coach Ryan to do cartwheels as they take it by two possessions or more.

Sunday Games, 4:30 p.m

Buccaneers (6-5, lost v. Falcons, Potential AFC Wild Card) vs. Broncos (8-3, won v. Chiefs, 4th Seed AFC West)

This is a closer match-up than it may seem on paper–remember, the Bucs are in a division with both the Falcons and the Saints, while the Broncos are the only team worth a damn in their division. And the Bucs have a really strong defense, which might be what plays in their favor. If they can bend-not-break, keeping Fetus Head Manning out of the end zone enough times, Tampa Bay will win…and I think it’s a greater than average possibility. Give it to the Bucs by a possession.

Steelers (6-5, lost v. Browns, Potential AFC Wild Card) vs. Ravens (9-2, won v. Chargers, 2nd Seed AFC North)

And so the honored rivalry begins again…and I don’t see anything changing this time around. The Ravens are just too good a match for a Big Ben-less, injured Pittsburgh. The Purple and Black will knock the Wild Card hopes right out of the Steelers mouth by two possessions.

Bengals (6-5, won v. Raiders, Potential AFC Wild Card) vs. Chargers (4-7, lost v. Ravens, Potential AFC Wild Card)

Believe it or not, Norv ‘Good Enough For Government Work’ Turner might find himself saved from a ride on the Firing Train if he can get San Diego to the playoffs. Granted, it doesn’t look likely, but knocking off another potential Wild Card in Cincinnati could do the trick–but for that to happen, Norv has to prevent the Bengals from getting into Philip Rivers’ head. The Chargers’ biggest weakness is their quarterback–get him rattled, and the offense falls apart. And I think the Tigers can hurry up and hit Rivers enough times early on to make San Diego fall apart, resulting in a win by about a possession and a half.

Browns (3-8, won v. Steelers) vs. Raiders (3-8, lost v. Bengals)

As much as I want to pull for Oakland here, the Browns are simply the better 3-8 team. They simply play harder, which is why they beat the Steelers. They will find a way to overcome the Raiders’ attack and triumph by less than a possession.

Sunday Game 8:30 p.m.

Eagles (3-8, lost v. Panthers) vs. Cowboys (5-6, lost v. Native Americans, Potential NFC Wild Card)

Here, Dallas…have a free win!

What’s going on in Philadelphia has the weird, horrific fascination of a ten car pile-up. The reign of Reid is all but over, and no amount of firing coaches and trading away problematic defensemen is going to stop that. There’s a strong chance the Eagles will not win another game between now and the end of the season, and that just makes Dallas all the happier while they dogfight for the right to be an NFC Wild Card. Dallas may be in the best position to get that Wild Card if there is one in the NFC East, and smacking around Philly goes a long way towards that goal. Expect the ‘Boys to win by two possession or more.

Monday Game 8:30 p.m.

Giants (7-4, won v. Packers, 4th Seed NFC East) vs. Native Americans (5-6, won v. Cowboys, Potential NFC Wild Card)

As you know, the Giants seem to have this talent for getting really, really hot in December. And even though the Native Americans are pretty strong right now, they still are going to fold before Big Blue. It’ll be a close game, but the Giants will pull ahead by a possession.

Thursday Night Game (Week 14) 8:20 p.m.

Broncos v. Raiders

Hey, look–it’s too teams that just don’t like each other much, the West Coast Equivalent of the Paper Planes and the Sucking Black Hole! I can’t think that the Raiders, who are totally lost in this Post-Al era, could possibly win this. For that matter, I can’t think that the Raiders will win much with Spaghetti Arm Palmer behind center. Fetus Head and company should blow the Black and Silver out by two and a half possessions easily.

See you next week.

Moves Like Curtis: Can The Indestructible Man Defeat The Browns? (Week 12)

Thomas Deja — Sun, 25 Nov 2012 18:11:01 +0000

I’m sorry this is late, and that many of these entries are short. That awful performance the Paper Planes has sucked the fanaticism for football out of me temporarily.

Two things:

1) I am still looking for examples of Pre-Game Shows for the individual teams in the NFL, those weekly half hour interviews-and-features programs that supposedly gets the fans all riled up for that week’s game.

2) I am looking for super-fans for each of the other 30 (i.e. not the Paper Planes or Raiders, as I’m sure Kelen will fill the later slot). What I want to do is interview you about what your team may need for the 2013 season for a series of column after the season is over. Please contact me through TricycleOffense.com if you’re interested in participating, or if you have an example of those pre-game shows to share with me.

On to the games…

Sunday Games, 1:00 p.m.

Our Bitch (4-6, won v. Dolphins) vs. Colts (6-4, lost v. The Sucking Black Hole of Loserness)

The Colts are good. Our Bitch are bad. Andrew Luck knows how to manage a game. Ryan Fitzpatrick does not. This may be a close game–Our Bitch may even have a lead for a while–but Indianapolis will take it by a possession.

Seahawks (6-4, Bye Week) vs. Dolphins (4-6, lost v. Our Bitch)

The Seahawks are proving plenty tough…maybe tougher than Miami is. And don’t get me wrong–Miami is plenty tough. I think all things being said, Seattle needs this game more to get itself within striking range of the NFC West Title–remember, San Fran, that ties count as loses–and will win by less than a possession.

Falcons (9-1, won v. Cardinals) vs. Buccaneers (6-4, won v. Panthers)

This is probably going to be a much closer game that it may seem on paper. Greg Schiano has managed to get Tampa Bay some momentum while also becoming one of the most contemptible coaches in the league. The Bucs will give Atlanta fits for a while…but then expect the Falcons defense to stiffen and Matt Ryan to start connecting with his receivers again…and again…and again…leading to a win by about two possessions.

Raiders (3-7, lost v. Saints) vs. Bengals (5-5, won v. Chiefs)

This is a winnable game for the Raiders–after all, Cincinnati has degraded a bit this year, and has struggled to get to 5-5. That being said…this is the Post-Al Raiders headed by Carson ‘Spaghetti Arm’ Palmer. Under Palmer, Oakland loses games they should win. A lot. So I expect the Bengals to rise above .500 by knocking the Raiders around. I call this by about a possession and a half.

Steelers (6-4, lost v. Ravens) vs. Browns (2-8, lost v. Cowboys)

So we’re now down to the third string quarterback here in Pittsburgh, but what a third-stringer. Charlie ‘The Indestructible Man’ Batch will win the Steelers games. He’ll win the Steelers multiple games. It’s one of the reasons why Pittsburgh is one of the most consistent, effective organizations in the League. He will be able to manage the Steelers–even a Steelers team that’s banged up, broken and having last minute replacements–so well that it’ll be like there’s no problems.

And as I’ve said multiple times, Cleveland is not the pushover their record seems to indicate. They’re hard fighting and effective at scoring–look at how Dallas barely survived their tilt with them last week. And this game, where Pittsburgh is staggered and bleeding, provides a perfect opportunity to show that they’re here in the mix for good. There’s a very good chance that the Browns can sneak out a last minute win…and given that they need this game more as a statement, and Cleveland is one of the youngest teams in the league, I’ll give them the win by about a possession or less.

Titans (4-6, Bye Week) vs. Gerbils (1-9, lost v. Texans)

The Gerbils almost impressed me last week–almost, before they once more proved they are who we thought they were, namely the ass-suckingest worst football club ever on the face of this planet right now. On the other hand, the Titans are rested, they showed signs of life before their bye week, and they might get a jolt from Jake Locker returning.

Of course, there’s one wild card here–Chad Henne, who was impressive when he first emerged as the Dolphins starter under Tony ‘The Repeater’ Sporano. Sadly, The Repeater ultimately undermined his own QB by, well repeating the same play over and over again until Miami became the most predictable team on Earth. Henne may actually give them the spark that Blane Gabbert never did, and his game play might take Tennessee by surprise…so to my surprise, I’m going to call this for the Gerbils by about a possession and a half, and predict that there might be a surge of game-winning-ness by Jacksonville before, well, they prove they are who we thought they were.

Broncos (7-3, won v. Chargers) vs. Chiefs (1-9, lost v. Bengals)

The Broncos have finally meshed with Peyton The Fetus Head to become an effective team that might slide easily into the AFC West Title…and part of the reason for that is that they’re playing the Chiefs and the Raiders and the Chargers. This is no contest, especially given the porousness of Kansas City’s defense. Expect a biiiiiiig win by Denver by about three possessions.

Vikings (6-4, Bye Week) vs. Bears (7-3, lost v. 49ers)

The Vikings are refreshed, and Adrian Peterson is still a beast (Christian Ponder not so much, but all things in time)….and the Bears are wobbling, losing two games in a row and suffering from some key injuries. While I’m sure Jason Campbell can win you a game, he hasn’t been doing so now. While I’m willing to bet that this would improve if Kid Nastyman is cleared to play, I can’t see the Bears overcoming the balanced Minnesota game, leading to the Vikes winning by a possession and change.

Sunday Games, 4:30 p.m

Ravens (8-2, won v. Steelers) vs. Chargers (4-6, lost v. Broncos)

Here comes the firing train, this time stopping off in San Diego for Norv ‘Good Enough For Government Work’ Turner! Turner has always been a little wobbly as Charger head coach, but this season, which is all but lost at this time, is bound to lead to some heads rolling. If he wants to prevent his head leading the pack, Turner needs to win this game….

Which he won’t, because the Marlboro Man is capable of laying some serious points on anemic defenses. Even with the Ravens’ banged up defenses, they’ll most likely get a couple of sacks on Philip Rivers–and, as you know, when Rivers gets rattled, the Chargers lose games.

They’ll be losing this one, as the Ravens fly high over their opponent by two possessions.

49ers (7-2-1, won v. Bears) vs. Saints (5-5, won v. Raiders)

Chinks have been showing in the 49ers armor of late, especially when it comes to that embarrassing tie game with the Rams. On the other hand, the Saints have gotten their momentum back and are gaining even more with each passing week. This is the New Orleans team we all expected to see before the whole scandal went down. The big obstacle that might be in the Saints’ way is Colin Kaepernick. As good as Harbaugh’s unit is under Alex Smith, they may be better under Kaepernick. The back-up gives the team a degree of unpredictability that might be just the edge the 49ers need to pull this win out. And the reason why Harbaugh is waffling about announcing his starter might be because of this. I suspect that this wildness will end up giving San Fran its eighth win by a possession or less.

Rams (3-6-1, lost v. Paper Planes) vs. Cardinals (4-6, lost v. Falcons)

Don’t think we haven’t forgotten that stop the firing train has at Phoenix…and judging from the way Ken Wisenhunt behaved last week, he’s welcoming the chance to get on. The Cardinals are a thorough mess, and it’ll be a miracle if they even get within a mile of the playoffs this time. This makes them an excellent confidence booster for St. Louis, still smarting from being beaten by the Paper Planes. Expect the Rams to clip Arizona’s wings by a good two possessions.

Sunday Game 8:30 p.m.

Packers (7-3, won vs. Lions) vs. Giants (6-4, Bye Week)

Do you hear that ticking noise in the background? That’s the Giants’ internal clock signifying the beginning of Playoff Hunting Time. And when Big Blue is Playoff Hunting, they suddenly become an entirely different team. I can’t think that this team wants this season, potentially the last one before Coach Coughlin retires, to spiral out of control into a shame shower. And given the Packer’s rather shaky play this season, it’s easy to go with New York by a possession and a half.

Monday Game 8:30 p.m.

Panthers (2-8, lost v. Buccs) v. Eagles (3-7, lost v. Native Americans)

Congratulations, Cam Newton–you get a real easy win this week, as the words of Coach Reid get drowned out by the firing train! The Iggles are thoroughly decimated, and I can’t see them getting any more traction. That last minute defensive coordinator change has been for naught, and even Andy seems desperate to get on that train and share a beer with Ken Wisenhunt, or maybe arrange to swap jobs with Norv Turner. Philadelphia, thanks to poor management and even poorer play, have become the unthinkable–a team that’s worse than Carolina. Expect Newton to do that stupid Superman thing about four times as the Panthers pull away by two possessions.

Thursday Night Games (Week Thirteen) 8:20 p.m.

Saints v. Falcons

This could be tough, and could go either way. But I think Atlanta is going to take this one to retain control of the number one seed by a possession.

See you next week.

Moves Like Curtis: The Firing Train Is A’Coming! (Week 11)

Thomas Deja — Sun, 18 Nov 2012 17:20:15 +0000

You know, I love football. I am proud of being a football fan. But there are times when I feel ashamed.

This season I’ve been feeling ashamed more often than I’d like, and it’s because of the behavior of some fans in Kansas City and, as of last week, Philadelphia, who feel it’s okay to cheer at the misery of their quarterbacks.

Look, I get it. Matt Cassel and Michael Vick have been playing poorly, and their teams have lost games because of that poor play. That doesn’t mean they aren’t trying their best to win games, and that doesn’t mean they don’t take their obligations seriously. And that definitely means they don’t deserve to have their injuries cheered.

I know that as fans, we pay these people’s salaries with our ticket sales and our patronage to the sponsors of the televised games and our merchandise purchases. It may make us feel we have a greater right to be critical. Lord knows I’ve been hypercritical of my team this season. But that doesn’t mean we should revel in it when someone goes down.

Shame on you, Kansas City. Shame on you, Philadelphia, a city I’ve grown to love. Show more respect.

On to the games…

Bye, Bye, Bye

Titans, Giants, Seahawks, Vikings

Sunday Games, 1:00 p.m.

Packers (6-3, Bye Week) vs. Lions (4-5, lost v. Vikings)

They’re back to normal.

Now that we’re entering the downhill race, Green Bay has finally found and re-attached their balls, whereas the Lions are still out in the woods looking for theirs….and after being walloped by the Vikings, I’m beginning to wonder if they’re ever going to be a factor in the playoffs. It’s sad that after steady progress, Detroit seems to be regressing slightly. This is not going to be a good game for them, as Green Bay triumphs by a possession or less.

Cardinals (4-5, Bye Week) vs. Falcons (8-1, lost v. Saints)

Ken Wisenhunt must be waking up in a cold sweat, knowing that the Firing Train is coming for him. After that strong start, the wings fell off the Cardinals, with the team giving up game after game after game. And I can’t see them doing a big upset over the Falcons. Don’t get me wrong–Atlanta will lose again, but it won’t be to Arizona. Expect it to be a hard-fought game, but in the end it’ll be the Dirty Birds cleaning up by two possessions.

Buccaneers (5-4, won v. Chargers) vs. Panthers (2-7, lost v. Broncos)

The Bucs have been improving, and they’re doing so at the right time. There’s a good chance they’ll be knocking on the door of the playoff hunt with their balanced mix of a tough defense and a pretty good offense.

That being said, they’re ripe for a trap game…and look who’s now on their radar screen. The Panthers are pretty bad, being held together by Cam Newton’s increasingly squirrelly self. The funny thing is I can easily see Newton pull another of his Superman performances out of his butt, throwing for a bazillion yards with a high completion percentage to snatch victory from the Bucs by about a possession.

Browns (2-7, Bye Week) vs. Cowboys (4-5, won v. Eagles)

And speaking of traps…yes, the Browns are terrible, but they’re one of the hardest playing, most tenacious terrible teams out there. Unlike, let’s say, the Gerbils, Cleveland plays like they want to win every game. For the first time since they re-entered the league, I can honestly see the Browns rise above their culture of losing and actually contend for something in the AFC North.

…which might prove to give the underperforming ‘Boys a real fright. This has not been the playoff bound juggernaut Dallas–or, to be more specific, Jerry Jones–portrayed themselves as being back in Week One. And this could be the end of the line for this iteration of the team–Tony Romo becomes a free agent after this season, and that could bring on a couple of years of wandering in the woods for No-Longer-America’s-Team. I can easily see Brandon Weedon and his crew taking the white-and-blue by surprise and squeezing out what might be a shocker of an upset by a possession or less.

Eagles (3-6, lost v. Cowboys) vs. Native American (3-6, Bye Week)

Oh, and here there be ugliness. Philadelphia is literally shaking itself to pieces amidst all the poor quarterback play, the increasing indecisiveness of Andy Reid, the locker room drama and any number of other factors. Having Michael Vick out due to concussion is just not going to help things, either. And the Native Americans are coming down from their early success to the usual awful game play that typifies Washington. All this being told, I have to think that the N.A.’s will be better prepared, be more consistent in their gameplay and will end up winning by about a possession and a half…

Paper Planes (3-6, lost v. Seahawks) vs. Rams (3-5-1, tied v. 49ers)

sigh…

Remember, folks–ties count as losses, so like the game above, this one’s between teams with the same record.

And if you thought the Paper Planes’ loss versus the Seahawks was demoralizing, wait until they lose to St. Louis. The Rams will have a homefield advantage, with a stadium as loud, if not more so, than the one New York struggled with in Seattle. They’re playing at a level better than the green-and-white are, and they’re not dealing with an idiotic offensive coordinator who keeps repeating the same plays over and over and keeps breaking up the rhythm of his starting quarterback by putting in the back-up quarterback at seemingly random times….okay, so they are dealing with our old offensive coordinator, who must be smirking right now, thinking he got out at just the right time. The Rams are simply the better team, and they are definitely going to win by a possession or two…leading up to the even more demoralizing, career-ending game four days hence, which we’ll get to below.

Bengals (4-5, won v. Giants) vs. Chiefs (1-8, lost v. Steelers)

I know the Gerbils are the worst the NFL has to offer, but Kansas City is only a hair shy of being just as bad. Granted, they’ve got Matt Cassel back under center, which might be an improvement…but let’s be honest, they’re still not going to be nearly as good as the Bengals.

And in spite of their record, Cincinnati has been good. This Andy Dalton led-squad may be the most solid crew Marvin Lewis has had–and yes, that includes all of the Carson Palmer/Chad Johnson combos. They’ve just managed to walked into some truly dreadful situations, and happen to be playing in a division where there are two superior teams over them. They’re probably got their morale elevated thanks to decimating the Giants so badly, and I can’t see them losing against the lowly Chiefs, so expect Dem Bengals to beat down Kansas City by two to three possessions.

Gerbils (1-8, lost v. Colts) vs. Texans (8-1, won v. Bears)

Are you kidding me? My God, can you imagine how many times J.J. Watt will tip Blane Gabbert’s pathetic lil’ passes? This is a thorough train wreck. Or it could be a trap game…

No, I don’t believe that, either.

I don’t think I need to expend too much thought on this game. The Texans destroy excellent teams like the Bears, so imagine what they’ll do to the Gerbils. Expect a rout by three possessions or more.

Sunday Game 4:30 p.m.

Saints (4-5, won v. Falcons) vs. Raiders (3-6, lost v. Ravens)

The Saints are on a roll. The Raiders are not. And while one of Oakland’s wins is against a truly elite team, I don’t expect them to repeat that miracle against New Orleans. There’s momentum on the side of the Black and Gold, and that momentum is going to flatten the Raiders by about two possessions.

Chargers (4-5, lost v. Buccaneers) vs. Broncos (6-3, won v. Panthers)

Even though the traditional AFC West rivalry is between Denver and Oakland, I’ve always found this match-up more intriguing…well, at least until now. San Diego has been collapsing under the weight of itself, which I think is going to lead to Norv ‘Good Enough For Government Work’ Turner looking for a new position (a position that I may speculate on as we get closer to the end of this season), while Denver, after a shaky start, seems to be thriving under Fetus Head Manning. Denver should take this after some back and forth to win by a possession.

Colts (6-3, won v. Gerbils) vs. The Sucking Black Hole Of Evil (6-3, won v. Our Bitch)

This could be another trap game–Hell, it could be the most likely of the trap games I’ve called this week. The Sucking Black Hole’s degrading of play has been disguised by its big blowouts against teams they should blow out (That’s right, Our Bitch. Hell, yeah, Paper Planes!), and the Colts are coming in between one such blow out and a short week where they’ll be dining on roasted Paper Plane. They’re probably going to underprepare, thinking the Thanksgiving tilt is more important, and that is going to be to Andrew Luck’s advantage…

Because Andrew Luck is good. And he’s getting better with each week. I mean, look at where Indianapolis is and where we expected them to be at the beginning of this season. It’s likely that the Colts will be cruising into the playoffs–easily cruising! They’re a formidable squad, and the only thing that might work in the Sucking Black Hole’s favor is their rather average defense. Expect a high scoring see-saw of a game that will result in Luck and his crew leading Indy to a victory of less than possession.

Sunday Game 8:30 p.m.

Ravens (7-2, won v. Raiders) vs. Steelers (6-3, won v. Chiefs)

This could be interesting for one thing–the fact that Byron Leftwich is starting for Pittsburgh.

I am a Leftwich fan–hell, there was a time I was campaigning for Leftwich to come and be the backup for the Paper Planes back when he was first cut–and there’s no doubt in my mind that he can win games. His only downside is that he’s got Glass Body syndrome (but then…if Leftwich goes down, the Steelers have Charlie Batch, who can also win games). Byron will keep the team competitive, and make sure Pittsburgh’s playoffs hopes are still realistic.

That being said, I am not sure if Leftwich could win this game. The Ravens may be winning against garbage teams, but I’m willing to bet that The Marlboro Man and the Ravens’ admittedly slightly pitted Wall O’ Pain will be able to do enough to squeak a win out by about a possession and a half.

Monday Game 8:30 p.m.

Bears (7-2, lost v. Texans) vs. 49ers (6-2-1, tied v. Rams)

This may look on paper like an even match-up, but I’m not so sure. The Bears’ defense is proving to be stouter and tougher than San Fran’s, and that will most likely be the deciding factor in this game. Expect Chicago to pull ahead late in the game to win by about a possession or less.

Thursday Night Games (Week Twelve) 8:20 p.m.

Ahhhhh, the day I dreaded when I started this practice of previewing the Thursday Games of the next week ahead of time. It’s the Dubious Thanksgiving Classics, which means not one, but three lousy games to sit through, beginning with…

Texans vs. Lions

…this massacre. The Lions, even as good as they’ve gotten, are simply not prepared for Houston. Even taking into account Detroit’s tendency to rise above their usual game play on Thanksgiving (although even that’s up for dispute this year, as the Lions have been getting other national games of late), there’s no way they can provide any opposition for the Texans. Expect a rout by about two to three possessions in an overall one-sided game.

Native Americans vs. Cowboys

This one might be the one game where the host team wins. The ‘Boys may be smarting, but they should be able to dominate over the Native Americans by about a possession.

Paper Planes v. The Sucking Black Hole Of Evil

….and here comes this apocalyptic mess. Yes, the Planes have done well under Rex Ryan against The Sucking Black Hole. Yes, they need this game desperately, if only for face saving reasons. Yes, they played one of their best games of the season in their narrow loss in Foxboro. But they also have done horribly on days when they’ve had short rest, and coming up against the team that inarguably hates them the most, that has been ready for them, will make this akin to walking into a buzzsaw. The Sucking Black Hole takes it by two to three possessions.

See you next week.